“Plan B Part 2” (Formerly Appendix A Part B) A Skit I performed
Mr. Nobody’s Theory of Everything Nothing
Lady’s and gentlemen, Nothing gives me greater pleasure to introduce to you the Einstein of Naught, the Freud of the Void, the Great Hoover of Vacuums…
Mr Nobody!
He was born in a barren region of the Netherlands where he spent his “hole” life doing nothing and proving nothing to no one. Nobody works for nothing, talks about nothing, and has developed a theory that no one but Nobody can prove.
Nobody has unified science and religion into an ultimate theory that shows the truth of both. And it’s Nobody’s business to teach (for nothing) everyone a little something about nothing, a whole lot of nothing about everything.
Lady’s and gentleman let’s give a big one-hand clapping round of no applause for Mr. Nobody!
[Silence]
Mr. Nobody starts speaking in a voice no one but Nobody himself hears:
“Modern Science has proved that “Matter is Really Nothing”.
“Mystics and Saints of all Religions have realized that Nothing really matters!”
“So Religion and Science have absolutely Nothing in common and this No-thing can be traced to the first ATOM/ADAM which is essentially made of … Nothing/No-thing!”
“This Ultimate Theory of Everything is actually …An Ever-Changing Theory of Nothing.”
“The Holy Grail of Physics is a Theory of Everything that completely describes Everything but Nobody has found it, myself included.”
“The problem is they see their Holy Grail as HALF FULL instead of HALF EMPTY.”
“And instead of a Holy Grail, science is finding this theory is full of Holes. And it is in these Holes that the whole truth lays… a golden goose egg of truth…NOTHING.”
“So I spent many years working on a theory of Nothing. I had nothing better to do anyway. What the heck I thought, ‘Nothing ventured, Nothing gained’.”
“It was the best years in my life. It’s like time didn’t exist (because it doesn’t). I had nothing to worry about and naught a care in the world. The problem was that nothing was real for me and I became a Nobody with nothing on my mind.”
I saught out a Guru, Swami Nadananda (Spanish for the Bliss of Nothingness).
“One day when nothing was on my mind, I received a Revelation from by Nada’s Grace: As I meditated all night, a voice whispered sweet “Nothings” into my ear and then it finally dawned on me (when the sun rose).”
“Any theory about any-thing and everything is doomed to fail because there will always be nothing and No-body to prove it wrong.”
“Also physics runs into constant trouble with its theories; that is, there are too many constants describing too many things.”
“But I discovered that the only constant is change… And what changes is Nothing… That is: Nothing EVER Changes!”
“So I understood that change is good for Nothing and Nothing always changes for the better.”
“Take heart if you understood Nothing I said, because that was my purpose!”
“Ok, do you want to experience Nothing for yourself?”
‘My guru taught me a technique called ‘NOT Meditating’. If you DON’T like meditation, ‘NOT meditating’ is Right for YOU! Nada told me NOT to share it with anyone, but because I am Nobody, here it is...”
“First, find an empty room with Nothing in it. Leave the “Do this, Do that or (do-do)” mentality behind. NOW is the time to be sitting around and doing Nothing!
If you must have an alter, and want to worship a form of nothing, the following items are acceptable: a Zero bar, a Hoover vacuum, a blank or voided check, a goose egg, donut holes, or anything that reminds you of nothing. If nothing I mentioned works for you, it’s even better to use an altar with Nothing on it.
Next sit comfortably in what yogi’s call the tailor pose and realize the fabric of the universe is really Nothing! Once you really feel that, then fabric is no longer needed and you can take all your clothes off and wear Nothing to experience the Naked truth (if this is your first time, you may be in for a nude awakening).
Now that you are “exposed” to Nothing, relax and let Nothing happen to you… You’ll see Nothing, feel Nothing and hear Nothing (and you might even find as I did, that Nothing beats sex!).
Remember that when NOT meditating; do not focus on anything in particular. Be careful, if you stay one pointed on anything (even nothing), you are missing the point.
Instead of one-pointed, stay un-pointed on everything, and then you will have only Nothing to lose and Nothing to gain.”
Note: Some people say experiencing Nothing is easy, but Nothing could be further from the truth.
If Not meditating is not your half empty cup of tea, I have also the Nada meditation technique named after my Guru. He used the Nada to experience Fool realization. That is where you realize you are the same fool you have always been, Nothing! (Nada in Sanskrit is the sacred sounds heard with the inner ear, but this Nada is Spanish for nothing).
If you don’t listen well, then Nada might be for you. Start by Not listening to others and yourself, and in this unlistening, You might hear the sacred Nada, the Cosmic Goose-egg OOOOOOM. Make sure to leave the M behind. Only OOOOOOOO.
“So practice Not Meditating or Nada every day and you’ll get Nothing accomplished.”
“You must dedicate your life to NOTHING! Give nothing to everyone and receive nothing in return. Work for nothing and receive blank checks (or if you’re lucky “voided” checks).
“Accumulate nothing and you will have nothing to worry about. When you are away traveling, you will have nothing to write home about… Also try eating nothing for a while, which will clean out your colon, so you’ll always leave nothing behind.”
“You MUST take Nothing seriously and remember that if Nothing is ventured then Nothing will be gained!”
“Everything is an illusion, only Nothing is real. Nothing is Eternal and Nothing lasts forever and Nothing EVER changes through the timeless Void.
Practice NOT meditating (or Nada) ceaselessly and realize Nothing for yourself so that nothing is always on your mind. Then you will see Nothing in everything and everything in Nothing – THEN, Nothing can touch you and Nothing will stop you either! And I mean NOTHING!
And don’t forget to say “Thanks for Nothing!” as a show of gratitude.
Once you understand Nothing your mind becomes empty (empty mind = gold mine) and when your mind becomes empty, your heart becomes full of that sweet something we call LOVE… AND in the Center of l-O-ve is of course NOTHING!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOm!
Mr. Nobody’s Theory of Everything Nothing
Lady’s and gentlemen, Nothing gives me greater pleasure to introduce to you the Einstein of Naught, the Freud of the Void, the Great Hoover of Vacuums…
Mr Nobody!
He was born in a barren region of the Netherlands where he spent his “hole” life doing nothing and proving nothing to no one. Nobody works for nothing, talks about nothing, and has developed a theory that no one but Nobody can prove.
Nobody has unified science and religion into an ultimate theory that shows the truth of both. And it’s Nobody’s business to teach (for nothing) everyone a little something about nothing, a whole lot of nothing about everything.
Lady’s and gentleman let’s give a big one-hand clapping round of no applause for Mr. Nobody!
[Silence]
Mr. Nobody starts speaking in a voice no one but Nobody himself hears:
“Modern Science has proved that “Matter is Really Nothing”.
“Mystics and Saints of all Religions have realized that Nothing really matters!”
“So Religion and Science have absolutely Nothing in common and this No-thing can be traced to the first ATOM/ADAM which is essentially made of … Nothing/No-thing!”
“This Ultimate Theory of Everything is actually …An Ever-Changing Theory of Nothing.”
“The Holy Grail of Physics is a Theory of Everything that completely describes Everything but Nobody has found it, myself included.”
“The problem is they see their Holy Grail as HALF FULL instead of HALF EMPTY.”
“And instead of a Holy Grail, science is finding this theory is full of Holes. And it is in these Holes that the whole truth lays… a golden goose egg of truth…NOTHING.”
“So I spent many years working on a theory of Nothing. I had nothing better to do anyway. What the heck I thought, ‘Nothing ventured, Nothing gained’.”
“It was the best years in my life. It’s like time didn’t exist (because it doesn’t). I had nothing to worry about and naught a care in the world. The problem was that nothing was real for me and I became a Nobody with nothing on my mind.”
I saught out a Guru, Swami Nadananda (Spanish for the Bliss of Nothingness).
“One day when nothing was on my mind, I received a Revelation from by Nada’s Grace: As I meditated all night, a voice whispered sweet “Nothings” into my ear and then it finally dawned on me (when the sun rose).”
“Any theory about any-thing and everything is doomed to fail because there will always be nothing and No-body to prove it wrong.”
“Also physics runs into constant trouble with its theories; that is, there are too many constants describing too many things.”
“But I discovered that the only constant is change… And what changes is Nothing… That is: Nothing EVER Changes!”
“So I understood that change is good for Nothing and Nothing always changes for the better.”
“Take heart if you understood Nothing I said, because that was my purpose!”
“Ok, do you want to experience Nothing for yourself?”
‘My guru taught me a technique called ‘NOT Meditating’. If you DON’T like meditation, ‘NOT meditating’ is Right for YOU! Nada told me NOT to share it with anyone, but because I am Nobody, here it is...”
“First, find an empty room with Nothing in it. Leave the “Do this, Do that or (do-do)” mentality behind. NOW is the time to be sitting around and doing Nothing!
If you must have an alter, and want to worship a form of nothing, the following items are acceptable: a Zero bar, a Hoover vacuum, a blank or voided check, a goose egg, donut holes, or anything that reminds you of nothing. If nothing I mentioned works for you, it’s even better to use an altar with Nothing on it.
Next sit comfortably in what yogi’s call the tailor pose and realize the fabric of the universe is really Nothing! Once you really feel that, then fabric is no longer needed and you can take all your clothes off and wear Nothing to experience the Naked truth (if this is your first time, you may be in for a nude awakening).
Now that you are “exposed” to Nothing, relax and let Nothing happen to you… You’ll see Nothing, feel Nothing and hear Nothing (and you might even find as I did, that Nothing beats sex!).
Remember that when NOT meditating; do not focus on anything in particular. Be careful, if you stay one pointed on anything (even nothing), you are missing the point.
Instead of one-pointed, stay un-pointed on everything, and then you will have only Nothing to lose and Nothing to gain.”
Note: Some people say experiencing Nothing is easy, but Nothing could be further from the truth.
If Not meditating is not your half empty cup of tea, I have also the Nada meditation technique named after my Guru. He used the Nada to experience Fool realization. That is where you realize you are the same fool you have always been, Nothing! (Nada in Sanskrit is the sacred sounds heard with the inner ear, but this Nada is Spanish for nothing).
If you don’t listen well, then Nada might be for you. Start by Not listening to others and yourself, and in this unlistening, You might hear the sacred Nada, the Cosmic Goose-egg OOOOOOM. Make sure to leave the M behind. Only OOOOOOOO.
“So practice Not Meditating or Nada every day and you’ll get Nothing accomplished.”
“You must dedicate your life to NOTHING! Give nothing to everyone and receive nothing in return. Work for nothing and receive blank checks (or if you’re lucky “voided” checks).
“Accumulate nothing and you will have nothing to worry about. When you are away traveling, you will have nothing to write home about… Also try eating nothing for a while, which will clean out your colon, so you’ll always leave nothing behind.”
“You MUST take Nothing seriously and remember that if Nothing is ventured then Nothing will be gained!”
“Everything is an illusion, only Nothing is real. Nothing is Eternal and Nothing lasts forever and Nothing EVER changes through the timeless Void.
Practice NOT meditating (or Nada) ceaselessly and realize Nothing for yourself so that nothing is always on your mind. Then you will see Nothing in everything and everything in Nothing – THEN, Nothing can touch you and Nothing will stop you either! And I mean NOTHING!
And don’t forget to say “Thanks for Nothing!” as a show of gratitude.
Once you understand Nothing your mind becomes empty (empty mind = gold mine) and when your mind becomes empty, your heart becomes full of that sweet something we call LOVE… AND in the Center of l-O-ve is of course NOTHING!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOm!
