Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.
- G. K. Chesterton
“Even the gods love jokes”
- G. K. Chesterton
“Even the gods love jokes”
Western huMor - Jes-Us (Geez, It's Us!)
Might as well Start with a "Western" Religion Joke
A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says,
“Say, is this some kind of joke?”
Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"
Did you know they played tennis in ancient egypt?
A: They must have, because Joseph served in Pharoahs court.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roaming Catholic.
Why was Adam in Paradise?
A: Because he had no Mother-in-law.
Adam and Eve had the pefect marriage. He didn't have to listen to her talk about men she knew before him, and she didn't have to put up with his mother.
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye kicked his Ass.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What’s Eternal Love?
A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis
What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
A: Stays up nights wondering if there’s a dog.
What did Eve say when she saw a leaf blowing?
A: Ooh Look, the invisible man.
You know in the Bible it says not to covet they neighbors wife?
What about the women two doors down?
"God is dead"
"Nietzsche is dead."
- God, 1900
Did you hear about the married Amish woman who also had a lover?
She like two Mennonite.
Was Baseball in the Bible.
- In the big inning (Genesis 1:1)
- Genesis 3:6- Eve stole first and Adam stole second
- Rebekah went to the well with a "pitcher"
- Exodus 4:4 "And he put out his hand, and caught it"
- Numbers 11:32 "Ten homers"
- Proverbs 18:10 "The righteous run into it, and is safe
- Ezekiel 36:12 "Yea, I will cause men to walk"
An old guy goes to confession and says to the priest: “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”
The priest said: “well my son, when was the last time you had a confession?”
“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody.”
God was talking to one of his angels. He said, "Boy, I justt figured out how to rotate Earth so it creates this really incredible twenty-four-hour period of alternating light and darkness." The angel said, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "Call it a day."
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ?
She fell for the Big Apple !
Going into church one day, a man looking for a place to sit asked a lady: "Is the seat next to you saved?" To which she replied, "No, but I'm praying for it."
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me." All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice. The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, then said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
Devotee: God, how long is a million years?
God: One second
Devotee: How much is a million dollars?
God: Just a penny
Devotee: Please give me a penny.
God: Sure! ... Just a second.
A man was praying to God. He said, "God?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"
And God said, "Sure!... Just a second."
A man prays to God every night: “Oh God, let me win the lottery.” This goes on for weeks until eventually a voice booms from the heavens and says: “Come on, meet me halfway here – at least buy a lottery ticket!”
Question: What do you get if you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's witness?Answer: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.
This man went to a rabbi and said, I'm very troubled by my son. He went away and he came back a Christian."
The rabbi said, "You know, it's funny you say that. My son, too, left home and came back a Christian."
They decided to pray about it, and God said, "You know, it's funny you say that..."
A priest's bicycle was stolen and he thought somebody in his congregation might have done it, so the next Sunday he preached on the commandment "Thou shalt not steal," and then he noticed the commandment "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and then he remembered where he left his bicycle.
"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company."
"Okay," replied God. "I'll give you the perfect companion. She is beautiful, intelligent, and gracious- she'll cook and clean and never say a cross word."
"Sounds great," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?"
"An arm and a leg," answered God.
"That's pretty steep," replied Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm eighty years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two eighteen-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
And the priest says, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were at confession?"
"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm tellin' everyone!"
A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggest they have a word.
“I’ve got a few suggestions,” he says,
“Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. “Very good”, says the senor. “No try saying things like ‘I see’, ‘I understand’ and Yes, go on’.” The younger priest practices these sayings, too. “Well done”, says the older priest. “Don’t you think that’s better than slapping your knee and saying: “No way! What happened next?”
A pastor skips services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turns the corner along the path, he and a bear collide. The pastor stumbles backwards, slips off the trail, and begins tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally, the pastor crashes into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both of his legs. The pastor lying there; he's lost his gun, and the bear is coming closer. So he cries out in desperation, "Lord, I repent for all I have done. Please make this bear a Christian."
The bear skids to a halt at the pastors feet, falls to its knees, clasps its paws together, and says, "Lord, I do thank you for the food I am about to receive."
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the shore of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors.
“I’m screwed (I’m done for),” the man cries in despair.
“No you are not,” comes a booming voice from the heavens. “Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say.
Grab the spear from the one who is beside you and shove it through the heart of the chief.”
The man does so and the remainder of the tribe stare in disbelief.
“Now, what?” The man asks the heavens.
“Ok, Now you are Screwed”.
Do you think that Moses led the Israelites through the desert for forty years because God was testing him, or because he wanted them to really appreciate the promised land when they finally got there, or was it because Moses refused to ask anybody for directions?
A Minister is driving down to New York, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor.
He asks, "Sir have you been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks down at the bottle and says. "Good Lord, he's done it again!"
There was once an old monastery were many of the monks spent all their time copying manuscripts. A young monk asked the head priest, “How do you know that we are correctly copying all these documents. Isn’t it possible that one of the monks could have made a mistake?” The head priest replied, “You have a good point. I will go down into the vault where we keep all our original manuscripts.” The head priest was gone all day when finally the monks got worried and went downstairs. They found the priest sobbing over the original manuscripts and he looked up at the young monks and cried, “The word is celebrate, the word is celebrate!”
An old, old monk had the job of translating ancient documents. He was down in the catacombs one day, when the other monks heard a scream. They went rushing downstairs, and the old monk stood shaking. “It says celebrate,” he said, “not celibate.
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"
The Power of Prayer?
A reporter from the Jerusalem Post had heard a remarkable story, and decided to investigate. It seemed that this old Jewish man had gone to the Wailing Wall to pray for peace every day for 25 years. He had never missed a day. Sensing a compelling magazine piece, she decided to interview him.
“So,” she says, “you come here every day to pray for world peace?”
“That’s right,” he tells her. “Every day for 25 years, never miss a day. I pray for world peace, and especially peace between the Israelis and Palestinians.”
The journalist is impressed. "Wow, that’s amazing. What does it feel like?" she asks.
The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall." (use "fricking" for clean version)
The waters receded and the ark settled and Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply. He was cleaning out the ark, and he saw a couple of snakes still there. He said, "Didn't I tell you to go forth and multiply? They said, "We can't multiply, we're adders." (Bible, Animal and Math).
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer!
A city dweller came to a farm and saw a beautiful horse. He decided he had to have the animal. He bargained with the farmer and the farmer finially sold him the horse. The city man jumped on the horse and said, "Giddyup!" The horse didn't budge. The farmer explained, "This is a special kind of horse. He'll only move if you say, 'Praise the Lord.' To stop him, you have to say, 'Amen.'" Keeping this in mind, the new owner yelled, "Praise the Lord!" whereupon the horse took off with great speed. Soon horse and rider were headed for a cliff. Just in time the rider remembered to say "Amen!" The horse came to a screeching halt right at the edge of the cliff. Relieved, the rider raised his eyes to heaven and exclaimed, "Praise the Lord!"
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station t o borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
An idiot really wanted to go fishing. He’d seen many books on the subject and, after getting all the necessary tools, he made for the nearesr frozen lake. After positioning his footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly – from the sky – a voice boomed: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!” Started, the idiot moved further down the ice, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!” The idiot, now quite worried, moved his way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up his stool, and tried again to cut the hole. The voice came once more, even louder: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
He stopped, looked skyward, and said: “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice replied: “NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER! THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
A Blessed Cadillac
A man was so proud of his fancy new Cadillac that he invited a priest, a minister, and a rabbi to come and bless it. The priest approached the auto, sprinkled holy water over it, and chanted in Latin. The minister invoked the name of the almighty and led them all in silent prayer. The Rabbi sang a psalm and cut off the end of the tailpipe.
When Does Life Begin?
Three clergymen, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi, were being interviewed on the topic, “when does life begin?”
“Life begins at conception,” said the priest.
“Life begins when the newborn baby takes its first breath,” said the minister. “Life begins,” said the rabbi, “when the children leave home and the dog dies.”
It was Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. The doctor, the lawyer and the banker were all in the front row of the synagogue. As was the custom, each was beating his breast and declaring his unworthiness: “I’m unworthy! I’m unworthy! I’m unworthy!” Just then, the lowly janitor walked in. He observed the scene, and he too
walked to the front and began crying out, “I’m unworthy! I’m unworthy! I’m unworthy!”
The lawyer turned to the banker and said, “So look who thinks he’s unworthy?”
How the Bible was Written
The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'”
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we figured you’d be reluctant. So we’re prepared to increase our offer to $300 million dollars.”
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
“OK,” the Tyson guy says, "Half a billion dollars, and that is my final offer.”
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news."
"The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder Bread account."
Love Thine Enemy
During the Nazis’ rise to power, two Jews decided they were going to assassinate Hitler. They knew his motorcade passed a certain intersection every day at 11 a.m., and they were waiting for him. But at 11 a.m., Hitler didn’t arrive. 11:15, 11:30 and still no Hitler. When the Fuhrer hadn’t arrived by 11:30, one of the assassins turned to the other and said, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”
What Goes around, Comes around
In a little town in Texas around the turn of last century, the local madam came to the minister and said, “Reverend, I would like to make amends for my life. I want to donate everything I have to the church.”
“Well, ma’am,” said the minister, “I’ll have to think about that. Please come back tomorrow.”
The next day she returned, and the minister had made up his mind. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I cannot accept your offer.”
She left, and one of the townspeople approached the minister. “Reverend,” he said, “we need a new building. Why did you turn down that woman’s generous offer?”
“Because her money,” the minister proclaimed, “is tainted money.”
“What do you mean, her money,” the man replied. “It’s our money.
What will people say when I am gone.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi die in a car wash. They go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked ‘When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregants are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?’ The minister says, ‘I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.
The priest says, ‘I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.’
The rabbi replies, ‘I would like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’
So Tommy goes into a confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes Father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, for I do not wish to ruin her reputation."
"Was it Crystal?"
"Was it Tiffany?"
"Was it Amber?"
"Was it Brandy?"
"Very well, Tommy. Go say six Our Fathers and five Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew, and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "When happened?"
And Tommy says, "I got six Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and four good leads."
A Religious Conversation
Two Jewish gentlemen were walking by a Catholic Church, and they saw an astonishing sign: “We will give $500 to any Jew who converts.” One of them started to walk away, but the other said, “You know what? I’m going to do it.”
Over his friend’s objections, the man walked into the Catholic Church. He was in there for well over an hour, as his concerned friend paced outside. Finally, he emerged.
“Well,” said the friend, “Did you get the $500?”
The converted one looked at his friend in disgust. “Money?” he said, “Is that all you people think about?”
Intention, Or Results?
A world-renowned minister died and went to heaven, and arrived at the same time as cab driver from New York. To his surprise, they let the cab driver in immediately and the minister was left waiting outside. Finally, the minister called over the attending angel. “Excuse me,” he said, “but I am a minister known the world over. How come you let that cab driver in and I’m waiting out here?”
“Well,” said the angel, “when you preached, everyone slept. But when he drove, everyone prayed.”
Does God Make Mistakes?
A priest and a monsignor are playing golf. The priest misses an easy chip and says, “Damn it! I missed!”
“Father!” admonishes the monsignor. “You’re man of God and should set a better example than to take His name in vain.”
The priest apologizes, but no sooner does he miss another easy shot, that once again he cries, “Damn it! I missed!”
Once again, the monsignor upbraids him, and once again he insists it won’t happen again. But it does, several times, until finally the priest is so ashamed of his behavior that he makes a declaration: “If I ever utter those words again, may God strike me dead with a thunderbolt!”
But sure enough, once again the priest misses a putt, and once again he shouts, “Damn it! I missed!”
Whereupon a thunderbolt comes down from on high -- and strikes the monsignor dead. And from the sky comes a loud, booming voice, “DAMN IT! I MISSED!”
Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged
A man went to get a haircut, and when he sat down in the chair, he excitedly told the barber, “I need a haircut because I’m taking a trip to Italy!”
“Italy?” scoffed the barber. “Why do you want to go there? Nothing works in Italy, and the people are rude. How are you getting there?”
“Alitalia Airlines,” the man replies.
“Alitalia? They have a terrible reputation. The planes are late, and the food is terrible. And you’re staying where?”
“The Rome Hilton.”
“The Rome Hilton? Isn’t that the place that’s being renovated? It’s so noisy, you’ll never get a good night’s sleep. And what are you doing in Italy, anyway?”
“Oh,” said the man, “I’m going to see the Pope.”
“You’re going to see the Pope?” said the barber. “Don’t be silly. Why would the Pope want to see you?”
Six weeks later, the man is back at the barbershop. “So,” said the barber. “How was Italy? Nothing works there, right?”
“No, it’s a funny thing,” said the man, “but everything was perfect. Italy was beautiful, the people were gracious.”
“But Alitalia, the airline,” the barber said, “they were late, right?”
“Well, the flight was a little late,” said the man, “and to make up for it, they upgraded us to first class for the flight home. It was quite elegant.”
“But the hotel – “
“The renovation is done, and it’s absolutely beautiful. Our room had a breathtaking view of Rome, and the food there was exquisite.”
“But the Pope,” said the barber. “You didn’t really get to see the Pope, right?”
“Well that was the most amazing thing of all. We were on a guided tour of the Vatican, when we got word that the Pope wanted to give an audience to American tourists, so we got to see the Pope. Not only that, but the Pope spoke to me.”
“He spoke to you?” the barber said. “What did he say?” He said, “Where’d you get that shitty haircut?”
(Or crummy haircut for clean version)
This guy goes into his barber, and he's all excited. He says, "I'm going to go to Rome. I'm flying on Atitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, AND I'm going to see the Pope."
The barber says, "Ha! Atitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about 10,000 people."
So the guy goes to Rome and comes back.
His barber asks, "How was it?"
"Great," he says. Atitalia was a wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope."
"You met the Pope?" said the barber.
"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."
"And what did he say?"
"He said, 'Where did you get that shitty haircut?'"
(Or crummy haircut for clean version)