Bryant Meyers Originals
Certified Fresh and Raw
Q: Why do you get frostbit when you run out of Vodka?
A: Because you reach Absolut zero.
What do you call a really good spicy red wine? A "Hell of a Pinot" (Jalapeno)
I lost $1000 in a business idea... Talk about a "grand" mistake.
What is Chronic Fatigues Syndrome? - that's when you get tired of wearing the same military casual wear every day.
What do you call a bad lemon? - a lemon
A big bottle of whole milk said to a slender little cup of curd, “What’s your secret? How do you stay so thin”? “I was once like you”, replied the curd, “but I lost a lot of whey.”
There was this squirrel psychologist who went from tree to tree rounding up all the crazy and mentally disturbed squirrels in late autumn. A fellow colleague of this squirrel shrink watched this peculiar behavior and inquired as to what was going on. The squirrel replied, “Oh, I am just gathering some nuts before winter.”
There was this overweight geometry teacher who could not lose weight because she simply could not give up her pi.
A duck runs into a doctors office with a snake bite.
The doctor says, I have just the remedy for that, and he pulls out a bottle that is labeled "snake oil." The Duck, seeing the label angerly flies out the door and on his way out he turns to the doctor and says with an angered look... "Quack!".
Two mathematicians were sitting in front of a gas-powered fireplace discussing the beauty of transcendental numbers when suddenly one said to the other, “This is a very nice fire but I must admit that I prefer natural logs.”
Two rows of 4 Geese walk into a bar and they all order a V-8
A pentagon was indebted to a triangle and offered one of his sides as payment for the debt. The triangle accepted and replied, “O.K., now we’re square.”
Did you hear about the indecisive quantum physicist who became head of a small high school? Everyone called him the Uncertainty Principal.
What did one soybean say to the other late one night?
I'll see you Tamari.
Joke about being in stitches
Why did Neil Armstrong have a hard time walking on the moon? He couldn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.
Did you hear about the frustrated pediatrician?
A: He had little patients.
Why did the Dolphin leave (his) school? Because he wanted to find out the Porpoise of life.
Did you hear about the Trigonometry teacher that had an Identity crisis? She couldn't remember all the Identities. (work on this).
I was referencing in one of my writings David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear.
What an allusion that was!
Squats are great for toning your glutes, and squatting is best for helping you poop!
I once met a guy who was a career bartender and spent his adult life behind bars.
I invited a taxodermist out for dinner after work one day, and he said, thanks but I just stuffed.
Gravity Sucks, But Black Holes Suck Big Time!
Black holes suck and white holes blow... so don't bother with them.
Best way to complain to a person is a criticism sandwich - start and end with a compliment and but your beef in the middle.
An engineer was giving a lecture to members of the treasury for a revolutionary new process for minting pennies. A scientist in the audience was confused and objected, “You have done a nice job in your presentation, but frankly I must tell you that the process does not make cents.”
So this piece of ham cracked joke after joke and had the whole sandwich reeling with laughter. Finally the two buns cracked, “I got to ham it to you, you’re really on a roll.”
In Switzerland, people have long suffered from chronic fatigue. It had been thought that overconsumption of diary was the cause. But a Swiss biophysicist used cutting edge Kirlian photography to prove otherwise. What he found was that people had big gaping holes in their auras. So the problem was not overconsumption of diary, but rather a lack of Swiss Chi.
It is tough being a parent rabbit to so many little bunnies. Talk about a hare raising experience.
(This is a true story) This lady walked into our health food store and asked for some pine nuts. I got them for her and then she asked me where pine nuts come from. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “I don’t know, maybe schizophrenic evergreens.”
(Another true Story) This little old lady walked into our health food store and bought twenty pounds of wheat bran! I said to her, “Wow, I see that you are going to be one of our most regular customers.
(True Story) My friend and I were in her office complex after 5pm and the vacuums from the maids started to get loud. I told her, I cannot hear you because we are surrounded by a vacuum (hint: sound cannot travel in a vacuum , air is required).
(True Story) Teaching inertia in a physics class I was able to yank a tableclothe & leave all the dishes, sliverware and glass on the table virtually undisturbed... I can't believe I "pulled it off".
(True Story) My friend asked me if I was flying or taking my car to see her in North Carolina. I said I am taking my car as long as it doesn't drive me crazy.
(true story) I called someone for private yoga lessions to increase my flexibility. I told them I want to do the splits as an example.
The yoga teacher asked me, "Well, I can teach you that, but tell me, how flexible are you?"
I told her, "I can't make Tuesdays."
(true story) guaca-moldy
(true story) falafel --> fal-awful
Did you know that in some parts of the world Monkey Brains are considered a delicacy. I tried a slice of what is called Monkey Brain Pie. I must admit that that was the first time I ever experienced piece of mind.
I traveled to the Florida keys and locked myself out of my car.
It was frustrating because when I googled florida keys locksmith, it just showed me locksmiths for the entire state of florida. To make matters worse, floridakeyslocksmith.com was in Tampa. I guess locksmiths use the word Keys a lot.
Q: Did you hear about the new College in the Himalayas?
A: It's Fantastic but They offer Higher Education programs only.
Q: Why do people work at the Vitamin Shoppe?
A: To supplement their income.
Religions are best to be avoided... There is no such thing as safe "sects"
My Theory of Evolution ... Darwin had Mommy and Daddy issues, grandma and grandpa issues, great grandma and great grandpa issues... ad infinitem to atom or ad 6000 to Adam.
So I went to visit the local apiary and to my surprise everyone there was lacking energy. Being a nutritionist I told the head of the apiary, “the problem is very clear to me, your workers are simply not getting enough B’s. Simply give them a good B-complex. But avoid megadoses of the B’s as this can cause hives.”
So Moses, the man who parted the Red Sea and set his people free, walked into a health food store and asked for the best vitamin. “How do you take your vitamins, Moses?”, replied the clerk. Moses quickly replied, “I prefer taking two tablets.”
An artichoke master gave advice to his young disciple, “You can become any kind of artichoke you like, but the highest calling lies in Jerusalem where I am sure that through prayer and meditation, you will at last find your heart.”
This spiritual seeker a few thousand years ago told another, “I can’t understand why so many people are flocking to the so-called sage down the way. He tells everyone he is confused and always in doubt.” The other aspirant just grinned and replied, “No, no you did not hear right. This sage is the great master of the Way. What he said was ‘I am Confuscius, I am always in Tao.’”
The Catepillar effect is where a tornado in Texas causes a butterflies wings to flap in Brazil.
What if Chaos theory is wrong and Tornados are needed to flap butterfly wings?
Maybe Jeff Bloomberg in Jurassic park had it backwards.
A butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil landed Jeff Bloomberg a role in Jurassic Park.
If at first you don't succeed, don't leave a suicide note.
Chaos Theory should clearly be a Law that is often broken
Entropy is the number 2 Law of thermodynamics, because everything goes to sh!#
The Law of Entropy states that a clean house cannot remain that way for more than 2 minutes
The Ten Commandments of Entropy
1) equilibrium x 10
Isn't it strange that Entropy has an orderly equation to describe it... I think if it is an equation that it should be a random mixure of letters and numbers like f75hJustin=Beiberz6y&
How is it that particle physics is called such... Shouldn't it be particle wave physics
A psychic from the future in a parallel universe gave me all the answers... It turns out I make every possible decision and experience every possible outcome... wow! If only I knew which me is doing what.
I once ran a humidifier and dehumifier at the same time in my room while I sleeped. I woke up with dry mouth and diarrhea. I also opened a wormhole to another dimension, and heard a distant voice say, stop doing whatever you are doing. Our oceans vanished and is nothing but rain all day.
I have two thermostats in my house... I set one to 45 and the other to 90. It started to hail inside.
I traveled back in time to bring my past self to my future self...
It turns out I end up being God in the future and the distant past.,
Or its possible I did not hear mysefl correctly , it could have been sod.
Event horizon and weddings -
Black holes suck, but black whores blow.
White holes blow and White Whores suck
A: Because you reach Absolut zero.
What do you call a really good spicy red wine? A "Hell of a Pinot" (Jalapeno)
I lost $1000 in a business idea... Talk about a "grand" mistake.
What is Chronic Fatigues Syndrome? - that's when you get tired of wearing the same military casual wear every day.
What do you call a bad lemon? - a lemon
A big bottle of whole milk said to a slender little cup of curd, “What’s your secret? How do you stay so thin”? “I was once like you”, replied the curd, “but I lost a lot of whey.”
There was this squirrel psychologist who went from tree to tree rounding up all the crazy and mentally disturbed squirrels in late autumn. A fellow colleague of this squirrel shrink watched this peculiar behavior and inquired as to what was going on. The squirrel replied, “Oh, I am just gathering some nuts before winter.”
There was this overweight geometry teacher who could not lose weight because she simply could not give up her pi.
A duck runs into a doctors office with a snake bite.
The doctor says, I have just the remedy for that, and he pulls out a bottle that is labeled "snake oil." The Duck, seeing the label angerly flies out the door and on his way out he turns to the doctor and says with an angered look... "Quack!".
Two mathematicians were sitting in front of a gas-powered fireplace discussing the beauty of transcendental numbers when suddenly one said to the other, “This is a very nice fire but I must admit that I prefer natural logs.”
Two rows of 4 Geese walk into a bar and they all order a V-8
A pentagon was indebted to a triangle and offered one of his sides as payment for the debt. The triangle accepted and replied, “O.K., now we’re square.”
Did you hear about the indecisive quantum physicist who became head of a small high school? Everyone called him the Uncertainty Principal.
What did one soybean say to the other late one night?
I'll see you Tamari.
Joke about being in stitches
Why did Neil Armstrong have a hard time walking on the moon? He couldn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.
Did you hear about the frustrated pediatrician?
A: He had little patients.
Why did the Dolphin leave (his) school? Because he wanted to find out the Porpoise of life.
Did you hear about the Trigonometry teacher that had an Identity crisis? She couldn't remember all the Identities. (work on this).
I was referencing in one of my writings David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear.
What an allusion that was!
Squats are great for toning your glutes, and squatting is best for helping you poop!
I once met a guy who was a career bartender and spent his adult life behind bars.
I invited a taxodermist out for dinner after work one day, and he said, thanks but I just stuffed.
Gravity Sucks, But Black Holes Suck Big Time!
Black holes suck and white holes blow... so don't bother with them.
Best way to complain to a person is a criticism sandwich - start and end with a compliment and but your beef in the middle.
An engineer was giving a lecture to members of the treasury for a revolutionary new process for minting pennies. A scientist in the audience was confused and objected, “You have done a nice job in your presentation, but frankly I must tell you that the process does not make cents.”
So this piece of ham cracked joke after joke and had the whole sandwich reeling with laughter. Finally the two buns cracked, “I got to ham it to you, you’re really on a roll.”
In Switzerland, people have long suffered from chronic fatigue. It had been thought that overconsumption of diary was the cause. But a Swiss biophysicist used cutting edge Kirlian photography to prove otherwise. What he found was that people had big gaping holes in their auras. So the problem was not overconsumption of diary, but rather a lack of Swiss Chi.
It is tough being a parent rabbit to so many little bunnies. Talk about a hare raising experience.
(This is a true story) This lady walked into our health food store and asked for some pine nuts. I got them for her and then she asked me where pine nuts come from. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “I don’t know, maybe schizophrenic evergreens.”
(Another true Story) This little old lady walked into our health food store and bought twenty pounds of wheat bran! I said to her, “Wow, I see that you are going to be one of our most regular customers.
(True Story) My friend and I were in her office complex after 5pm and the vacuums from the maids started to get loud. I told her, I cannot hear you because we are surrounded by a vacuum (hint: sound cannot travel in a vacuum , air is required).
(True Story) Teaching inertia in a physics class I was able to yank a tableclothe & leave all the dishes, sliverware and glass on the table virtually undisturbed... I can't believe I "pulled it off".
(True Story) My friend asked me if I was flying or taking my car to see her in North Carolina. I said I am taking my car as long as it doesn't drive me crazy.
(true story) I called someone for private yoga lessions to increase my flexibility. I told them I want to do the splits as an example.
The yoga teacher asked me, "Well, I can teach you that, but tell me, how flexible are you?"
I told her, "I can't make Tuesdays."
(true story) guaca-moldy
(true story) falafel --> fal-awful
Did you know that in some parts of the world Monkey Brains are considered a delicacy. I tried a slice of what is called Monkey Brain Pie. I must admit that that was the first time I ever experienced piece of mind.
I traveled to the Florida keys and locked myself out of my car.
It was frustrating because when I googled florida keys locksmith, it just showed me locksmiths for the entire state of florida. To make matters worse, floridakeyslocksmith.com was in Tampa. I guess locksmiths use the word Keys a lot.
Q: Did you hear about the new College in the Himalayas?
A: It's Fantastic but They offer Higher Education programs only.
Q: Why do people work at the Vitamin Shoppe?
A: To supplement their income.
Religions are best to be avoided... There is no such thing as safe "sects"
My Theory of Evolution ... Darwin had Mommy and Daddy issues, grandma and grandpa issues, great grandma and great grandpa issues... ad infinitem to atom or ad 6000 to Adam.
So I went to visit the local apiary and to my surprise everyone there was lacking energy. Being a nutritionist I told the head of the apiary, “the problem is very clear to me, your workers are simply not getting enough B’s. Simply give them a good B-complex. But avoid megadoses of the B’s as this can cause hives.”
So Moses, the man who parted the Red Sea and set his people free, walked into a health food store and asked for the best vitamin. “How do you take your vitamins, Moses?”, replied the clerk. Moses quickly replied, “I prefer taking two tablets.”
An artichoke master gave advice to his young disciple, “You can become any kind of artichoke you like, but the highest calling lies in Jerusalem where I am sure that through prayer and meditation, you will at last find your heart.”
This spiritual seeker a few thousand years ago told another, “I can’t understand why so many people are flocking to the so-called sage down the way. He tells everyone he is confused and always in doubt.” The other aspirant just grinned and replied, “No, no you did not hear right. This sage is the great master of the Way. What he said was ‘I am Confuscius, I am always in Tao.’”
The Catepillar effect is where a tornado in Texas causes a butterflies wings to flap in Brazil.
What if Chaos theory is wrong and Tornados are needed to flap butterfly wings?
Maybe Jeff Bloomberg in Jurassic park had it backwards.
A butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil landed Jeff Bloomberg a role in Jurassic Park.
If at first you don't succeed, don't leave a suicide note.
Chaos Theory should clearly be a Law that is often broken
Entropy is the number 2 Law of thermodynamics, because everything goes to sh!#
The Law of Entropy states that a clean house cannot remain that way for more than 2 minutes
The Ten Commandments of Entropy
1) equilibrium x 10
Isn't it strange that Entropy has an orderly equation to describe it... I think if it is an equation that it should be a random mixure of letters and numbers like f75hJustin=Beiberz6y&
How is it that particle physics is called such... Shouldn't it be particle wave physics
A psychic from the future in a parallel universe gave me all the answers... It turns out I make every possible decision and experience every possible outcome... wow! If only I knew which me is doing what.
I once ran a humidifier and dehumifier at the same time in my room while I sleeped. I woke up with dry mouth and diarrhea. I also opened a wormhole to another dimension, and heard a distant voice say, stop doing whatever you are doing. Our oceans vanished and is nothing but rain all day.
I have two thermostats in my house... I set one to 45 and the other to 90. It started to hail inside.
I traveled back in time to bring my past self to my future self...
It turns out I end up being God in the future and the distant past.,
Or its possible I did not hear mysefl correctly , it could have been sod.
Event horizon and weddings -
Black holes suck, but black whores blow.
White holes blow and White Whores suck
