Men Are From Mars and Children are From Chuckles and Snickers
(Assorted Chuckles and Snickers & other Nutty Jokes)
Bar Jokes:
A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, a redneck, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve breakfast here.”
A three legged dog walk bursts into a wild west saloon and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
A Three-legged Dog walks into a saloon, and sits at the bar.
Bartender says "what can I help you with, stranger?"
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
"a deer walks into a bar". and the bartender says; Go home deer, you're drunk.
Masochist walks up to a sadist in a bar, says to the sadist “hurt me.” Sadist says “no.”
René Descartes walks into a bar. The Bartender asks if he wants a drink. … "I think not", Descartes days. And then "poof" he disappears
Descartes So Descartes goes into a bar late one night for a beer. At closing time, the bartender makes Last Call and asks him, "Get you another?" Descartes replies, "I think not." And disappears.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." Grasshopper says "You've got a drink named Steve?"
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
I five dollar bill walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out-a here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
A gymnast walks into a bar. He receives a 10 point deduction.
A horse walks up to the bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender sets the drink in front of him and tells the horse, "it's o.k. buddy, you can talk to me. Why the long face?"
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
A quantum physicist walks into a bar. . . maybe
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.
5 in Roman = V
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.
Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.
A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender said, "You've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy said, "I know. It's driving me nuts."
V2 - A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck in his pants.
The bartender asks, "Hey man isn't that annoying?"
The pirate growls, "Arrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducks.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender "gimme a beer and a mop."
A penguin walked into a bar and said, "Has my father been in here today?" The bartender said, "I don't know , what does he look like?"
A man walked into the bar and ordered a drink, and the bartender said, "I thought you quit drinking."
"No, I just wanted to cut my drinking in half so I joined A."
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
(V2) A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around he noticed the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over, "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told him. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"You heard me. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
The bartender yells out immediately, "We don' t serve string here. Get out!"
So the two string leave, pull their ends apart and entangle themselves together. Then they re-enter the bar.
The bartender sees them and yells at them "Hey aren't you the strings I just kicked out of here?"
To which the strings reply "No, we're a frayed knot!"
A man walked out of the bar and got in his car and a policeman came over.
"Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
"Officer, your eyes seem to be glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams" "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells: "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home Dad, you're drunk."
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pees in the glass. The man ask the barman, "Who owns the monkey?" The barmen indicates the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says, Do you know your monkey peed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but you hum it I'll play it."
A Northerner walks into a bar down South around Christmastime, and there's a little nativity scene on the bar.
The guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are wearing firemen's hats?"
And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible - the three wise men came from afar." (a fire)
A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, a redneck, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve breakfast here.”
A three legged dog walk bursts into a wild west saloon and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
A Three-legged Dog walks into a saloon, and sits at the bar.
Bartender says "what can I help you with, stranger?"
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
"a deer walks into a bar". and the bartender says; Go home deer, you're drunk.
Masochist walks up to a sadist in a bar, says to the sadist “hurt me.” Sadist says “no.”
René Descartes walks into a bar. The Bartender asks if he wants a drink. … "I think not", Descartes days. And then "poof" he disappears
Descartes So Descartes goes into a bar late one night for a beer. At closing time, the bartender makes Last Call and asks him, "Get you another?" Descartes replies, "I think not." And disappears.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." Grasshopper says "You've got a drink named Steve?"
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
I five dollar bill walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out-a here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
A gymnast walks into a bar. He receives a 10 point deduction.
A horse walks up to the bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender sets the drink in front of him and tells the horse, "it's o.k. buddy, you can talk to me. Why the long face?"
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
A quantum physicist walks into a bar. . . maybe
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.
5 in Roman = V
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.
Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.
A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender said, "You've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy said, "I know. It's driving me nuts."
V2 - A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck in his pants.
The bartender asks, "Hey man isn't that annoying?"
The pirate growls, "Arrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducks.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender "gimme a beer and a mop."
A penguin walked into a bar and said, "Has my father been in here today?" The bartender said, "I don't know , what does he look like?"
A man walked into the bar and ordered a drink, and the bartender said, "I thought you quit drinking."
"No, I just wanted to cut my drinking in half so I joined A."
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
(V2) A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around he noticed the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over, "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told him. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"You heard me. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
The bartender yells out immediately, "We don' t serve string here. Get out!"
So the two string leave, pull their ends apart and entangle themselves together. Then they re-enter the bar.
The bartender sees them and yells at them "Hey aren't you the strings I just kicked out of here?"
To which the strings reply "No, we're a frayed knot!"
A man walked out of the bar and got in his car and a policeman came over.
"Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
"Officer, your eyes seem to be glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams" "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells: "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home Dad, you're drunk."
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pees in the glass. The man ask the barman, "Who owns the monkey?" The barmen indicates the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says, Do you know your monkey peed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but you hum it I'll play it."
A Northerner walks into a bar down South around Christmastime, and there's a little nativity scene on the bar.
The guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are wearing firemen's hats?"
And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible - the three wise men came from afar." (a fire)
Assorted Snickers and Chuckles
Music Jokes
What happens when you play blues music backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life and you get out of prision.
What do you get when you play country music backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back, your car back..."
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
My friend was trying to write a drinking song but he couldn't get past the first few bars.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Duh dum chh.
Two musicians walk down the street, and one says to the other,”who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?” The other replies,”that was no piccolo, that was my fife.
What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A: Beethoven's Last Movement
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A: No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
How do you get two violinists to play in unison?
A: Shoot one
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.
Q: What do you call a musician with problems?
A: a trebled man.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
Dieting
Your fat and you need to go on a diet.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it because you'll eat that too.
You can't lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
What do you call a fascist vegan?
Lactose intolerant.
How do you know your low fat diet is working?
The fat hangs lower every day.
What makes the Tower of Piza lean?
A proper diet and exercise.
Cinderella
Why was Cinderella not a good basketball player?
A: Because she ran away from the ball.
What is another reason?
A: Her coach was a pumpkin.
Why is Cinderella no good at sports? Because her coach is a pumpkin, and she is always running away from the ball!
Why did Cinderella hang out at the photo shop?
A: Because she was waiting for her prints/prince.
I/eye jokes
What happened when two egotists met?
A: They saw each other “I” to “I”
What did one eye say to the other?
A: Between us something smells.
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Marriage Jokes
Socrates once said that if you get a good wife you become happy, but if you get a bad one you become a philosopher.
Christmas
Why is Santa so jolly?
A: He knows where all the naughty girls live.
The main reason Santa is so Jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??
Santa of course, because the other two do not exist.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Business
There are two rules for succeeding in business. The first one is "Never tell them everything you know."
A boss gave his new secretary a mini skirt for her first salary. The next month he raised it.
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a way. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four week' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" From across the room came a voice, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Job Jokes
Why did the auto mechanic go to art school?
So he could learn to make a van go.
Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid?
He said it was no problem - he could stop any time.
The human cannonball decided to retire. The circus owner cried, "But you can't! Where am I going to find a man of your caliber?"
Why was the archeologist depressed?
His career was in ruins.
Did you hear that archeoligists just recently identified the cause of the Dark Ages?
It was definitely the Y1K problem.
A manager is a person who thinks that nine women ought to be able to produce a child in one month.
A consultant is a man who knows 147 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a woman who used to think she liked small children.
A philosopher is a person who doesn't have a job but at least understands why.
A newspaper editor is a person whose business is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.
A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful woman enters the room and everybody looks at her, looks at everybody.
I got fired/quit:
I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I was fired from the M&M Factory for throwing out all the W's.
I got fired from the eyeglass warehouse because I couldn't focus
I got fired from the orange juice factory because I couldn't concentrate.
I quit the helium factory because I didn't like the way I was being talked to.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I quit my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
Magician
Did you hear about the Magician who was walking down the street when he turned into a restaurant.
A magician was walking down the street and then he turned into a grocery store
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to figure out how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?
The magacian was furious but couldn’t do anything. After all, it was the captain’s parrot. Then during a fierce storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea, with as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another, and then another. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: “OK, I give up, Where’s the ship?”
Tennis
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
A: To them, "Love" means nothing.
Q: Why are fish never good tennis players?
A: They don't like getting close to the net.
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Q: Why is a tennis game a noisy game?
A; Because each player raises a racket
Q: What did one tennis ball say to the other tennis ball?
A: “See you round..”
Dyslexia
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
Did you hear about the atheist dyslexic? He didn’t believe there was a dog.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He always thought he was following someone.
Why did the dyslexic cow join a yoga class? Because all he could say was ‘Oom'.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association
I found out I was a dyslexic when I turned up to a toga party dressed as a goat
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Psychics
When two psychic friends met, one said:
"You are fine. How am I ?"
What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.
Cannibal
I tell people before I became a vegeatarian I was a humantarian. This reminds me of a couple cannibal jokes.
Did you hear about the frugal cannibal?
He only eats where children are half price...
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Borderline Bad Jokes
Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man
Linguistics/Grammar Jokes:
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, Name two pronouns. I said "Who, Me"?
An English teacher to a sleepy kid in a class: "Name two pronouns." The kid replies "Who, Me?".
What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?… An etymologist knows the difference.
10 Examples why the English Language is Weird
1) The bandage was wound around the wound
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse the refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he could get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of a bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
Pirates
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
About a Buccaneer.
What's a pirate's favourite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at "C".
A ship carrying blue paint and a ship carrying red paint both crashed on an island. All the sailors were marooned.
Addcitions
"I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now."
"I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid! I can stop anytime!"
"I used to be addicted to lunch meat. I quit cold turkey."
Milton Jones is a British comedian who who specializes in these:
"I'd like to see a world without plagiarism. You may say I'm a dreamer... but I'm not the only one..."
"My wife - it's difficult to say what she does - she sells sea shells on the sea shore."
"My grandfather was a peeping-tom. He lived in a flat and used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people below. He died recently, but I like to think of him up there... looking down on us..."
Misc.
"What are one liners like this called?"
"It's hard to say."
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
What did the mexican fireman name his two kids?
Jose( pronounced'hose a')and hose b
How do you make a hanky dance?
A: Put a little boogy in it.
Why did the scarecrow receive an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
What’s the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
Cos she was trying to make up her mind!
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A: “I’ll tell you later…”
Man delivers load of bubblewrap.
Where do you want this he asks. Just pop it in the corner was the reply.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
Do you know why blind people don’t like to skydive?
A: It scares their dogs.
Blind guy with a seeing eye dog walks into a department store. Guy picks up dog by the tail and starts swinging him around over his head. Clerk rushes over and says nervously “Can I help you sir?” Guy replies: “No thanks, I’m just looking around.”
Why should you take an extra pair of socks to the golf course?
A: In case you get a hole in one.
What's the difference between a golf player and a sky-diver?
The golfer goes: Whack! ... "Darn it!"
The sky diver goes: "Darn it!"
A man with dementia is driving on the freeway and his wife calls him and says,”Sweetheart, I heard there is someone driving the wrong way on the freeway.” He says, “One? There’s hundreds.”
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind?
Use a news anchor!
I would like to go to Holland someday. Wooden Shoe?
Why is it great to be a test tube baby? You get a womb with a view.
I'm so bright my mother calls me son.
One hat said to the other you stay here I'll go on a head
My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calender?
They both got 6 months!
I moustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.
What's ET short for?
He's got little legs.
Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.
Julius, the great emperor of Rome asked for a weather report for the upcoming battle. One of his Generals exclaimed, “Hail, Caesar!”
Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It's sweeping the nation!
Three men were on a boat and wanted a smoke. They had a pack of cigarettes but no matches. How did they smoke? They threw one of the cigarettes overboard and then the boat was a cigarette lighter.
I used to be afraid of hurdles but then I got over it.
The circus was in town. It was intents.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What do you do when you see a space man? You park in it, man.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
Especially when you went back for seconds
I had to watch my weight after that
Did you hear about the guy on a desert island who had only one buttock?
He was left behind.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
A invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Alternate: The kids looked nothing like each other.
It must have been an engineer who designed the human body. Who else would put a waste plant next to the recreation area.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A Fish.
I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.
Did you hear about the young butcher who sat on a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.
Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It's dread-full.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Luckily she survived because the check bounced.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
How does an Eskimo keep his house together?
With Ig-glue.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that but it's also terrible.
Why is it that there are no Walmarts in Iraq; is it because they are all becoming targets?
Is the Clinton Presidency best summarized as “Sex between the Bushs' ”.
If Buckwheat converted to Islam, would he be called Kareem of Wheat?
Why did the projector blush?
Because it saw the film strip.
Q: What is the tallest building in the world?
A: The library! It has the most stories!
Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho... Alaska!
Q: What did Delaware? A: a New Jersey
Why do they put fences around graveyards....
Because people are dying to get in
I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I tried to catch some fog earlier.
I mist.
Why can't a women ask her brother for help?
Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
There has been a falling-out between Cher and Madoona. Apparently they're no longer on a first-name basis.
What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop?
Take me to your litre!
After a long and fruitful life, Angus MacDonald died. His widow called the local newspaper, requesting that a death notice be published. Ever frugal, she asked that the notice simply state: “Angus Dead”.
The newspaper representative told her that death notices must be a minimum of 5 words. “Fine”, she said, “make it: Angus Dead; Volvo for sale.”
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in midswing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is name "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain and is name "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice: "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Rich Millionaire
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'
Two Brothers (too funny not to include)
One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood. They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill. John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him. Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me." Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro" John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg. Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs. Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!" John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms. He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg." Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!" Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm." And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"
The shark then bites off Johns other arm. Now John has no arms or legs.
His brother finally arrives to save him.
Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.
When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel f--ked"
And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!"
A group of Chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can’t stand chess nut’s boasting in an open foyer.
A Man makes it to the front of the supermarket check-out line. The check-out girl, while swiping through his frozen pizzas, TV dinners, case of beer, and TV guides, asks: “You’re single, aren’t you?
The man replies: “Why yes, I am single. How could you tell?”
“Well, because you are really ugly,” she answers.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, Not screaming and yelling like his passengers.
A man calls the fire department and yells: “help, help! My house is on fire!”
The operator says: ”Calm down. How do we get there?”
The man says: ”Don’t you have those big red trucks anymore?”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
A couple of New Jersey Hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator in a calm voice says:”Just take it easy, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says: “O.K., now what?”
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00am”
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper. It said: “It’s 5:00am, wake up.”
A couple in their sixties are walking along the beach to admire the sunset. The wife sees a dirty lamp and the husband stoops down to dust it off. Magically a genie appears out of nowhere and thanks the couple for freeing him of his imprisionment. “As a reward,” the Genie says, “I’ll grant each of you one wish.”
The wife says: “I want to sail around the world. Send me and my husband on a first class luxurious cruise.” POOF She’s suddenly holding two tickets on the finest ship around the world.
The genie turns to the husband: “And for you sir?” The husband looks at his wife and leans close to the Genie: “I want a wife that is thirty years younger than me.” POOF And he’s suddenly 90 years old.
**
A man from Chicago has to go to Las vegas to attend a one-day business conference, and has arranged for his wife to fly down and join him after the conference finishes. When he arrives at the hotel, he decides to send a quick message to his wife back home. Unable to find the piece of paper on which he wrote her email address, he does his best from memory which unfortunately he doesn’t get right. The email is accidentally forwarded to a grieving widow who opens the email, takes a look at the monitor, screams and faints. The message read:
My darling wife… Just checked in, everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to us being together again. Your loving husband. P.S. It sure is hot down here.
**
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his
side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special
ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through
his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special
stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a
stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young
lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make
sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old
man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
**
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated the question for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message for them to deliver to the moon.
**
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone, in his native tongue, were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land."
First: Hey, look way off over there. What's that?
Second: Wow, smoke signals!
First: What do they say?
Second: Help ... my ... blankets ... on ... fire!
**
Lucky Numbers
A man woke up one morning before the alarm rang and noticed the time was 7:07. He couldn’t help but notice the date ... July 7th, seventh month, seventh day. He picked up the paper, turned to the sports section and there on page seven he noticed that a horse named Lucky Sevens was running in the seventh race. It was a 7-1 favorite, so the man took the #7 train down to the race track, waited for the 7th race and put $77 at 7-1 on Lucky Sevens. And what happened should be obvious. That horse came in 7th.
**
Conversation Differences Between Women and Men.
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
Compassion
Two men meet on the street after not having seen each other for twenty-five years. “Wow. Twenty-five years!” says the first one. “Tell me, how is your wife.” “Don’t ask,” replies his friend. “We were divorced, and she took me for everything. Left me penniless.”
“Well, could be worse,” replied the friend cheerfully. “And how is your business?”
“Another terrible tragedy,” came the reply. “It burned to the ground. But my fire insurance expired a week before, and I didn’t know. I lost everything.”
“Could be worse,” replied the friend. “And your son? How is your son?” =
“That,” sighed the poor man, “is the saddest tragedy of all. I had dreams that one day he would be saying, ‘I would like to thank the Nobel Prize Committee.’ Instead, he’s saying, ‘You want fries with that?”
“Could be worse,” came the reply.
At this point, the afflicted friend became very upset. He said, “Look, whatever I say, you say ‘could be worse, could be worse, could be worse.’ How could it possibly be worse?”
“It could be happening to me,” came the cheerful reply.
**
Two preschoolers, a boy and a girl, were on the playground, comparing anatomy. “I got one of these, and you don’t!” said the young boy, and the young girl ran away crying. The next day on the playground, once again the young boy teased her: “I have one of these and you don’t!”
But instead of getting upset, she calmly continued playing.
“Hey,” the boy said, “how come you didn’t cry this time?”
“Because,” the little girl said, “my mommy told me that with one of THESE, I can
get as many of THOSE as I want.”
**
A man tells his wife he is going down to the local pub to buy a pack of cigarettes. While he is waiting at the cash register to get change for the cigarette machine, he notices an attractive woman at the bar motioning to him. He ignores her, but when she persists he goes over there out of curiosity. “I’d like to buy you a drink,” she says.
“No, actually I can’t. My wife -- “ But something about her is so alluring, that he agrees. She buys him a drink, and to make a long story shorter, she buys him eight drinks. Finally, a little unsteady, he stands up to leave.
“I’d like you to come home and make love to me,” the woman says.
“Lady,” he tells her, “I can’t do that. My wife must be worried sick. I have to go.”
But something about this woman is so compelling, that despite everything, he ends up going home with her. They make love, he falls asleep, and awakens with a start. The clock says 2:00 a.m. He furiously gets his clothes on, awakens the woman, and asks, “Do you have any talcum powder?”
She looks puzzled, but she hands him the talcum powder, which he puts all over his hands, and he drives home.
His wife is awake, and worried sick. But when she sees him, her worry turns to anger. “Where WERE you?” she demands.
“Well,” he says, “you’re not going to believe this, but when I went to the bar to get cigarettes, this woman kept motioning to me. I tried to ignore her, but finally I went over there. She bought me a drink, she bought me eight drinks. When I stood up to go home, she insisted that I come home with her and make love. I don’t know what possessed me, but I actually went home with her. We made love, I fell asleep, I woke up, and I came home as quickly as I could.”
“Wait a minute,” said the wife. “Let me see your hands.”
He held out his talcum-powdered hands, and she said, “You liar! You were out bowling with the boys, weren’t you?”
**
Speak Up
A young man became quite wealthy, and took a trip around the world. He loved his mother and wanted to get her a unique and memorable gift.
He was in a marketplace in South America, where he came upon what he was looking for -- a mynah bird that spoke twelve languages fluently. So he paid $1,500 and had the bird shipped to his mother’s apartment in Brooklyn. When he returned to the States a month later, he eagerly called his mother. “So, ma,” he asked, “how’d you like the gift?”
“It was delicious,” she replied.
He was stunned. “Mom, don’t tell me you ate that bird! That bird spoke twelve languages!”
“So,” the mother replied, “ he should have said something.”
**
An American visiting Israel notices his watch is broken, and is looking for a place to have it fixed. He’s walking down the street when he notices a shop with a huge watch in the window, so he goes in. Behind the counter is an old bearded Jewish man wearing a caftan. “Good afternoon,” says the tourist. “My watch is broken, and I’d like it fixed.”
“So?” says the man behind the counter.
“What do you mean, so?” says the tourist. “You fix watches, don’t you?”
“No,” says the bearded man, “I’m a mohel. I do circumcisions.”
“Then why do you have the big watch in your shop window?”
The old man looked at him quizzically. “So what do you think I should put in my window?”
**
While doing his interviews on human sexuality, Alfred Kinsey came upon a man who was literally beaming. He looked like the happiest man on earth. Kinsey was impressed. “How frequently do you have sex?” Kinsey asked.
“Once every six years or so,” was the cheerful reply.
Now Kinsey was really impressed. “If you only have sex once every six years, why are you so happy?”
“Because tonight’s the night!” came the reply.
***
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’
What happens when you play blues music backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life and you get out of prision.
What do you get when you play country music backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back, your car back..."
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
My friend was trying to write a drinking song but he couldn't get past the first few bars.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Duh dum chh.
Two musicians walk down the street, and one says to the other,”who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?” The other replies,”that was no piccolo, that was my fife.
What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A: Beethoven's Last Movement
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A: No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
How do you get two violinists to play in unison?
A: Shoot one
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.
Q: What do you call a musician with problems?
A: a trebled man.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
Dieting
Your fat and you need to go on a diet.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it because you'll eat that too.
You can't lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
What do you call a fascist vegan?
Lactose intolerant.
How do you know your low fat diet is working?
The fat hangs lower every day.
What makes the Tower of Piza lean?
A proper diet and exercise.
Cinderella
Why was Cinderella not a good basketball player?
A: Because she ran away from the ball.
What is another reason?
A: Her coach was a pumpkin.
Why is Cinderella no good at sports? Because her coach is a pumpkin, and she is always running away from the ball!
Why did Cinderella hang out at the photo shop?
A: Because she was waiting for her prints/prince.
I/eye jokes
What happened when two egotists met?
A: They saw each other “I” to “I”
What did one eye say to the other?
A: Between us something smells.
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Marriage Jokes
Socrates once said that if you get a good wife you become happy, but if you get a bad one you become a philosopher.
Christmas
Why is Santa so jolly?
A: He knows where all the naughty girls live.
The main reason Santa is so Jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??
Santa of course, because the other two do not exist.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Business
There are two rules for succeeding in business. The first one is "Never tell them everything you know."
A boss gave his new secretary a mini skirt for her first salary. The next month he raised it.
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a way. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four week' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" From across the room came a voice, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Job Jokes
Why did the auto mechanic go to art school?
So he could learn to make a van go.
Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid?
He said it was no problem - he could stop any time.
The human cannonball decided to retire. The circus owner cried, "But you can't! Where am I going to find a man of your caliber?"
Why was the archeologist depressed?
His career was in ruins.
Did you hear that archeoligists just recently identified the cause of the Dark Ages?
It was definitely the Y1K problem.
A manager is a person who thinks that nine women ought to be able to produce a child in one month.
A consultant is a man who knows 147 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a woman who used to think she liked small children.
A philosopher is a person who doesn't have a job but at least understands why.
A newspaper editor is a person whose business is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.
A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful woman enters the room and everybody looks at her, looks at everybody.
I got fired/quit:
I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I was fired from the M&M Factory for throwing out all the W's.
I got fired from the eyeglass warehouse because I couldn't focus
I got fired from the orange juice factory because I couldn't concentrate.
I quit the helium factory because I didn't like the way I was being talked to.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I quit my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
Magician
Did you hear about the Magician who was walking down the street when he turned into a restaurant.
A magician was walking down the street and then he turned into a grocery store
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to figure out how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?
The magacian was furious but couldn’t do anything. After all, it was the captain’s parrot. Then during a fierce storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea, with as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another, and then another. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: “OK, I give up, Where’s the ship?”
Tennis
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
A: To them, "Love" means nothing.
Q: Why are fish never good tennis players?
A: They don't like getting close to the net.
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Q: Why is a tennis game a noisy game?
A; Because each player raises a racket
Q: What did one tennis ball say to the other tennis ball?
A: “See you round..”
Dyslexia
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
Did you hear about the atheist dyslexic? He didn’t believe there was a dog.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He always thought he was following someone.
Why did the dyslexic cow join a yoga class? Because all he could say was ‘Oom'.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association
I found out I was a dyslexic when I turned up to a toga party dressed as a goat
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Psychics
When two psychic friends met, one said:
"You are fine. How am I ?"
What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.
Cannibal
I tell people before I became a vegeatarian I was a humantarian. This reminds me of a couple cannibal jokes.
Did you hear about the frugal cannibal?
He only eats where children are half price...
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Borderline Bad Jokes
Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man
Linguistics/Grammar Jokes:
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, Name two pronouns. I said "Who, Me"?
An English teacher to a sleepy kid in a class: "Name two pronouns." The kid replies "Who, Me?".
What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?… An etymologist knows the difference.
10 Examples why the English Language is Weird
1) The bandage was wound around the wound
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse the refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he could get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of a bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
Pirates
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
About a Buccaneer.
What's a pirate's favourite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at "C".
A ship carrying blue paint and a ship carrying red paint both crashed on an island. All the sailors were marooned.
Addcitions
"I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now."
"I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid! I can stop anytime!"
"I used to be addicted to lunch meat. I quit cold turkey."
Milton Jones is a British comedian who who specializes in these:
"I'd like to see a world without plagiarism. You may say I'm a dreamer... but I'm not the only one..."
"My wife - it's difficult to say what she does - she sells sea shells on the sea shore."
"My grandfather was a peeping-tom. He lived in a flat and used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people below. He died recently, but I like to think of him up there... looking down on us..."
Misc.
"What are one liners like this called?"
"It's hard to say."
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
What did the mexican fireman name his two kids?
Jose( pronounced'hose a')and hose b
How do you make a hanky dance?
A: Put a little boogy in it.
Why did the scarecrow receive an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
What’s the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
Cos she was trying to make up her mind!
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A: “I’ll tell you later…”
Man delivers load of bubblewrap.
Where do you want this he asks. Just pop it in the corner was the reply.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
Do you know why blind people don’t like to skydive?
A: It scares their dogs.
Blind guy with a seeing eye dog walks into a department store. Guy picks up dog by the tail and starts swinging him around over his head. Clerk rushes over and says nervously “Can I help you sir?” Guy replies: “No thanks, I’m just looking around.”
Why should you take an extra pair of socks to the golf course?
A: In case you get a hole in one.
What's the difference between a golf player and a sky-diver?
The golfer goes: Whack! ... "Darn it!"
The sky diver goes: "Darn it!"
A man with dementia is driving on the freeway and his wife calls him and says,”Sweetheart, I heard there is someone driving the wrong way on the freeway.” He says, “One? There’s hundreds.”
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind?
Use a news anchor!
I would like to go to Holland someday. Wooden Shoe?
Why is it great to be a test tube baby? You get a womb with a view.
I'm so bright my mother calls me son.
One hat said to the other you stay here I'll go on a head
My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calender?
They both got 6 months!
I moustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.
What's ET short for?
He's got little legs.
Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.
Julius, the great emperor of Rome asked for a weather report for the upcoming battle. One of his Generals exclaimed, “Hail, Caesar!”
Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It's sweeping the nation!
Three men were on a boat and wanted a smoke. They had a pack of cigarettes but no matches. How did they smoke? They threw one of the cigarettes overboard and then the boat was a cigarette lighter.
I used to be afraid of hurdles but then I got over it.
The circus was in town. It was intents.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What do you do when you see a space man? You park in it, man.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
Especially when you went back for seconds
I had to watch my weight after that
Did you hear about the guy on a desert island who had only one buttock?
He was left behind.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
A invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Alternate: The kids looked nothing like each other.
It must have been an engineer who designed the human body. Who else would put a waste plant next to the recreation area.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A Fish.
I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.
Did you hear about the young butcher who sat on a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.
Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It's dread-full.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Luckily she survived because the check bounced.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
How does an Eskimo keep his house together?
With Ig-glue.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that but it's also terrible.
Why is it that there are no Walmarts in Iraq; is it because they are all becoming targets?
Is the Clinton Presidency best summarized as “Sex between the Bushs' ”.
If Buckwheat converted to Islam, would he be called Kareem of Wheat?
Why did the projector blush?
Because it saw the film strip.
Q: What is the tallest building in the world?
A: The library! It has the most stories!
Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho... Alaska!
Q: What did Delaware? A: a New Jersey
Why do they put fences around graveyards....
Because people are dying to get in
I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I tried to catch some fog earlier.
I mist.
Why can't a women ask her brother for help?
Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
There has been a falling-out between Cher and Madoona. Apparently they're no longer on a first-name basis.
What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop?
Take me to your litre!
After a long and fruitful life, Angus MacDonald died. His widow called the local newspaper, requesting that a death notice be published. Ever frugal, she asked that the notice simply state: “Angus Dead”.
The newspaper representative told her that death notices must be a minimum of 5 words. “Fine”, she said, “make it: Angus Dead; Volvo for sale.”
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in midswing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is name "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain and is name "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice: "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Rich Millionaire
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'
Two Brothers (too funny not to include)
One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood. They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill. John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him. Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me." Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro" John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg. Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs. Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!" John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms. He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg." Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!" Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm." And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"
The shark then bites off Johns other arm. Now John has no arms or legs.
His brother finally arrives to save him.
Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.
When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel f--ked"
And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!"
A group of Chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can’t stand chess nut’s boasting in an open foyer.
A Man makes it to the front of the supermarket check-out line. The check-out girl, while swiping through his frozen pizzas, TV dinners, case of beer, and TV guides, asks: “You’re single, aren’t you?
The man replies: “Why yes, I am single. How could you tell?”
“Well, because you are really ugly,” she answers.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, Not screaming and yelling like his passengers.
A man calls the fire department and yells: “help, help! My house is on fire!”
The operator says: ”Calm down. How do we get there?”
The man says: ”Don’t you have those big red trucks anymore?”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
A couple of New Jersey Hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator in a calm voice says:”Just take it easy, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says: “O.K., now what?”
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00am”
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper. It said: “It’s 5:00am, wake up.”
A couple in their sixties are walking along the beach to admire the sunset. The wife sees a dirty lamp and the husband stoops down to dust it off. Magically a genie appears out of nowhere and thanks the couple for freeing him of his imprisionment. “As a reward,” the Genie says, “I’ll grant each of you one wish.”
The wife says: “I want to sail around the world. Send me and my husband on a first class luxurious cruise.” POOF She’s suddenly holding two tickets on the finest ship around the world.
The genie turns to the husband: “And for you sir?” The husband looks at his wife and leans close to the Genie: “I want a wife that is thirty years younger than me.” POOF And he’s suddenly 90 years old.
**
A man from Chicago has to go to Las vegas to attend a one-day business conference, and has arranged for his wife to fly down and join him after the conference finishes. When he arrives at the hotel, he decides to send a quick message to his wife back home. Unable to find the piece of paper on which he wrote her email address, he does his best from memory which unfortunately he doesn’t get right. The email is accidentally forwarded to a grieving widow who opens the email, takes a look at the monitor, screams and faints. The message read:
My darling wife… Just checked in, everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to us being together again. Your loving husband. P.S. It sure is hot down here.
**
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his
side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special
ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through
his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special
stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a
stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young
lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make
sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old
man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
**
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated the question for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message for them to deliver to the moon.
**
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone, in his native tongue, were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land."
First: Hey, look way off over there. What's that?
Second: Wow, smoke signals!
First: What do they say?
Second: Help ... my ... blankets ... on ... fire!
**
Lucky Numbers
A man woke up one morning before the alarm rang and noticed the time was 7:07. He couldn’t help but notice the date ... July 7th, seventh month, seventh day. He picked up the paper, turned to the sports section and there on page seven he noticed that a horse named Lucky Sevens was running in the seventh race. It was a 7-1 favorite, so the man took the #7 train down to the race track, waited for the 7th race and put $77 at 7-1 on Lucky Sevens. And what happened should be obvious. That horse came in 7th.
**
Conversation Differences Between Women and Men.
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
Compassion
Two men meet on the street after not having seen each other for twenty-five years. “Wow. Twenty-five years!” says the first one. “Tell me, how is your wife.” “Don’t ask,” replies his friend. “We were divorced, and she took me for everything. Left me penniless.”
“Well, could be worse,” replied the friend cheerfully. “And how is your business?”
“Another terrible tragedy,” came the reply. “It burned to the ground. But my fire insurance expired a week before, and I didn’t know. I lost everything.”
“Could be worse,” replied the friend. “And your son? How is your son?” =
“That,” sighed the poor man, “is the saddest tragedy of all. I had dreams that one day he would be saying, ‘I would like to thank the Nobel Prize Committee.’ Instead, he’s saying, ‘You want fries with that?”
“Could be worse,” came the reply.
At this point, the afflicted friend became very upset. He said, “Look, whatever I say, you say ‘could be worse, could be worse, could be worse.’ How could it possibly be worse?”
“It could be happening to me,” came the cheerful reply.
**
Two preschoolers, a boy and a girl, were on the playground, comparing anatomy. “I got one of these, and you don’t!” said the young boy, and the young girl ran away crying. The next day on the playground, once again the young boy teased her: “I have one of these and you don’t!”
But instead of getting upset, she calmly continued playing.
“Hey,” the boy said, “how come you didn’t cry this time?”
“Because,” the little girl said, “my mommy told me that with one of THESE, I can
get as many of THOSE as I want.”
**
A man tells his wife he is going down to the local pub to buy a pack of cigarettes. While he is waiting at the cash register to get change for the cigarette machine, he notices an attractive woman at the bar motioning to him. He ignores her, but when she persists he goes over there out of curiosity. “I’d like to buy you a drink,” she says.
“No, actually I can’t. My wife -- “ But something about her is so alluring, that he agrees. She buys him a drink, and to make a long story shorter, she buys him eight drinks. Finally, a little unsteady, he stands up to leave.
“I’d like you to come home and make love to me,” the woman says.
“Lady,” he tells her, “I can’t do that. My wife must be worried sick. I have to go.”
But something about this woman is so compelling, that despite everything, he ends up going home with her. They make love, he falls asleep, and awakens with a start. The clock says 2:00 a.m. He furiously gets his clothes on, awakens the woman, and asks, “Do you have any talcum powder?”
She looks puzzled, but she hands him the talcum powder, which he puts all over his hands, and he drives home.
His wife is awake, and worried sick. But when she sees him, her worry turns to anger. “Where WERE you?” she demands.
“Well,” he says, “you’re not going to believe this, but when I went to the bar to get cigarettes, this woman kept motioning to me. I tried to ignore her, but finally I went over there. She bought me a drink, she bought me eight drinks. When I stood up to go home, she insisted that I come home with her and make love. I don’t know what possessed me, but I actually went home with her. We made love, I fell asleep, I woke up, and I came home as quickly as I could.”
“Wait a minute,” said the wife. “Let me see your hands.”
He held out his talcum-powdered hands, and she said, “You liar! You were out bowling with the boys, weren’t you?”
**
Speak Up
A young man became quite wealthy, and took a trip around the world. He loved his mother and wanted to get her a unique and memorable gift.
He was in a marketplace in South America, where he came upon what he was looking for -- a mynah bird that spoke twelve languages fluently. So he paid $1,500 and had the bird shipped to his mother’s apartment in Brooklyn. When he returned to the States a month later, he eagerly called his mother. “So, ma,” he asked, “how’d you like the gift?”
“It was delicious,” she replied.
He was stunned. “Mom, don’t tell me you ate that bird! That bird spoke twelve languages!”
“So,” the mother replied, “ he should have said something.”
**
An American visiting Israel notices his watch is broken, and is looking for a place to have it fixed. He’s walking down the street when he notices a shop with a huge watch in the window, so he goes in. Behind the counter is an old bearded Jewish man wearing a caftan. “Good afternoon,” says the tourist. “My watch is broken, and I’d like it fixed.”
“So?” says the man behind the counter.
“What do you mean, so?” says the tourist. “You fix watches, don’t you?”
“No,” says the bearded man, “I’m a mohel. I do circumcisions.”
“Then why do you have the big watch in your shop window?”
The old man looked at him quizzically. “So what do you think I should put in my window?”
**
While doing his interviews on human sexuality, Alfred Kinsey came upon a man who was literally beaming. He looked like the happiest man on earth. Kinsey was impressed. “How frequently do you have sex?” Kinsey asked.
“Once every six years or so,” was the cheerful reply.
Now Kinsey was really impressed. “If you only have sex once every six years, why are you so happy?”
“Because tonight’s the night!” came the reply.
***
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’