Eastern huMor - G-U-R-U (Gee You Are You)
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.
The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”
The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”
To make a long satori short...
Also, turn off the T.V. and Tell-A-Vision! That is share positive, healing visions we can step into, which beats what we have been stepping into ;-)
Another problem is our short intention span … Start with intention, then tell-a-vision to the actual screen of the universe.
My alter ego-- alter my ego… ego, e-going, e-gone (mantra to shrink the ego).
Pessimystc says the sky is falling… An optimistic says it only looks that way because we are ascending...
You CAN become young again through discipline, research, exercise and constant practice or there is always Plan B to Being Young Again … Reincarnation! If you don't believe in reincarnation, you will in your next life.
Why do bad things sometimes happen? It's always 100% you, but remember life is like photography in that you use the negatives to develop.
Global Warming… Best thing you can do is Stay cool on the outside, but always keep a warm heart.
Typographical error: "May your medication today bring you peace, happiness, and bliss."
Best weapons are laughing gas and creating a situation where people explode with laughter…. Also creme pie weapons and lick… We really licked them!
Also, turn off the T.V. and Tell-A-Vision! That is share positive, healing visions we can step into, which beats what we have been stepping into ;-)
Another problem is our short intention span … Start with intention, then tell-a-vision to the actual screen of the universe.
My alter ego-- alter my ego… ego, e-going, e-gone (mantra to shrink the ego).
Pessimystc says the sky is falling… An optimistic says it only looks that way because we are ascending...
You CAN become young again through discipline, research, exercise and constant practice or there is always Plan B to Being Young Again … Reincarnation! If you don't believe in reincarnation, you will in your next life.
Why do bad things sometimes happen? It's always 100% you, but remember life is like photography in that you use the negatives to develop.
Global Warming… Best thing you can do is Stay cool on the outside, but always keep a warm heart.
Typographical error: "May your medication today bring you peace, happiness, and bliss."
Best weapons are laughing gas and creating a situation where people explode with laughter…. Also creme pie weapons and lick… We really licked them!
V1 - Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth. When the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine. The yogi said "No. I can transcend dental medication."
V2 - Did you hear about the yogi who refused novocaine during his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Q. Why did the yogi refuse anesthesia when having his wisdom teeth removed?
A. He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!
Q: What do Yoga meditation and an apple peeler have in common?
A: They both take you to the core.
Q. What did the advertisement of the Yoga teacher searching for new students say?
A. "Inquire within"
Q: What did the yogi tell his restless student?
A: Don't just do something - Sit there!
What do you call a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A person who is at two with the universe.
Buddhist Compliment...
The Buddhist Master says to his disciple: "I've never met anyone so thoughtless in my life.
Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates?
A: Aware wolf.
Q: How did the yoga teacher accidentally kill his pet?
A: His karma ran over his dogma
When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied "I wish no gifts, only presence"
While talking about meditation techniques, a Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
Meditation student: If I'm open minded, won't my brains fall out?
Teacher: No, just keep your mouth shut at the same time.
V1
Q: Why Couldn't the Zen Master Vacuum His Couch?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.
V2
Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.
Q. What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?
A. Inquire within!
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
In Yoga, it's just one thing after another -- breath, breath, breath
Q: Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain?
A: He's got no beef.
Vegetarian is derived from the hindu word for "bad hunter".
I accidentally spilled coffee on a Hindu lady's dress. I told her I was very sari.
They just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, they just give you what you deserve.
Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I dont know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!"
This Hindu girl from my school said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him very frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?
“A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis”
or
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!"
"It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly.
A week later, the student came back to his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!"
"It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly.
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping. The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"
A monk arrived at a monastery that observed silence. It was carefully explained to him by one of the residents that he may speak just two words every seven years. He nodded in understanding. Seven long years passed and the monk said to the head swami, “hard bed”. Another seven years passed and he exclaimed, “lousy food”. Finally after another hard seven years he said, “I’m leaving”. To this the head swami replied, “Good, ever since you got here you have done nothing but complain!”
Version 2
A guy enters a monastery. He has to take a vow of silence, but once a year he can write a word on the chalkboard in front of the head monk. The first year it's tough not to talk, but Word Day comes around and the monk writes, "The" on the chalkboard. The second year is painful- it's very difficult not to talk - But finally Word day rolls around. The monk scratches "food" on the chalkboard and enters his third year, which is excruciating. But the Monk struggles through it, and when Word Day rolls around again, he writes "stinks."
And the head monk says, "What's with you? You've been here for three years and all you've done is complain."
Three Yogis are doing meditative in a remote cave. One day a sound is heard from outside the cave. After about six months, one of the yogis says, "Did you hear that goat?" Once again, there was silence. About a year later, one of the other Yogis says, "That wasn't a goat; it was a mule." Again, there was silence. About two years later the third yogi says, "If you two don't stop arguing, I'm leaving."
**
The Afterlife According To Eastern Religions
Two spiritual seekers, Abe and Sam, often discussed the prospect of life after death, and so they made a pact. Whichever one of them passed away first would contact the other from the next world. Many years passed, and then one day, so did Sam. About two weeks later, Abe is meditating when he hears a faint but familiar voice. “Sam, is that you?” he asks.
“Yes,” says the voice.
“That’s amazing!” said Abe. “Where are you? What are you doing?”
“Well,” Sam replied, “I get up every morning and have a little breakfast. Then I
make love all morning long. I have lunch, enjoy a little lovemaking in the afternoon, have dinner, make love all evening and the next day ... it’s the same thing.”
“Wow,” said Abe. “So you’re in heaven?” “No,” said Sam. “I’m a bull in Colorado.”
**
So I went to the local yoga studio. I said: “Can you teach me how to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can make Tuesdays.”
There is a new restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.
I hear the Dalai Lama recently fired his gardener, who had a degree in carnations but didn't dig reincarnations.
Wise Teacher One zen student said, "My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating." The second said, "My teacher has so much self control, he can go days without sleep." The third said, "My teacher is so wise that he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired."
Two Boys A Catholic boy and a Buddhist boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your Buddha." The Buddhist boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
Two Zen monks were walking down the road.
First monk says: "These pine trees are magnificent."
The second monk slaps him across the face.
First monk: "Why did you do that?"
"I'm a Zen monk so I can get away with all kinds of weird sh!# like that."
I once had an out of body experience. I was beside myself!
The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.
Sign in the window of a metaphysical bookstore:
"Vagueness spoken here"
Zen Sarcasm
· Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
· The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
· It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
· Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
· No one is listening until you fart.
· Always Remember: Life is Sexually Transmitted!
· Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit.
· It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, just whether you beat the point spread.
· Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
· Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
· If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
· Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
· If at first you don't first succeed, skydiving is not for you.
· Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
· The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
· If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
· If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
· Everything is relative and relatives take your things.
· Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
Some days you're the dog and some days you're the fire hydrant
· Spiritual Laryngitis is when you lose your inner voice.
· Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
· Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
· The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
· A closed mouth gathers no foot.
· Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
· There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
· Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
· Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
· Never miss a good chance to shut up.
· We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt. Then things get worse.
· Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
· There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
· No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
· There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday…around age 11.
· Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
· Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop.
· Don’t get even, get odd!
· Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through channels.
· Meditation is like mental floss that helps stop Truth Decay.
· Be a true Fun-damentalist, that’s where you always put the Fun before the Mental.
· It’s O.K. to find a fault, just don’t dwell on it.
· Remember that life is a situation comedy and we are in this material world to get more material.
· Have a good laughsitive three times a day, which will ensure reguhilarity.
· God loves you, he’s just not ready to make a commitment.
· If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no mad at me.
· Whenever you are feeling blue, remember to start breathing again!
· The Shortest Distance Between Two Points is …usually under construction.
· Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
· Prejudiced people are all alike.
· Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
· An oral contract isn’t worth the paper its written on.
· Don’t be redundant by repeating yourself.
· My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
· I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
· Entropy just isn’t what it used to be.
· Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
· The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away
· Man was predestined to have free will
· Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off
· “Life is an Orgasm, Don’t Fake it!”
If you can't be kind, at least be vague
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them talk.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Rehab is for quitters
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometime age comes alone.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Being honest may not get you a lot of FRIENDS but it'll always get you the RIGHT ONES.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman - Then always be Batman.
Remember, Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people are just out of film.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people are just out of film.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
The Afterlife is Out of This World
Farting on an Elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing.
Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver
Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?
If your dog is too fat, then your not getting enough exercise.
Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.
Having trouble sleeping? Try counting your blessings.
We are punished by our sins, not for them
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
I believe in God. I just don't trust anybody who works for him.
Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
If it seems like everything is coming at you, maybe you're in the wrong lane.
The enlightened ones have no boundaries, but respect those of others.
A word to the wise is sufficient, but a thousand to a fool is not quite enough.
A world without religion doesn't have a prayer.
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race has not, and will never achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings.
It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who push to share their religious views with you rarely care to have you to share yours with them.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
On the other hand, you have different fingers...
"Meditation - Don't just do something, sit there."
"Meditation - You have the right to remain silent."
"Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time."
V2 - Did you hear about the yogi who refused novocaine during his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Q. Why did the yogi refuse anesthesia when having his wisdom teeth removed?
A. He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!
Q: What do Yoga meditation and an apple peeler have in common?
A: They both take you to the core.
Q. What did the advertisement of the Yoga teacher searching for new students say?
A. "Inquire within"
Q: What did the yogi tell his restless student?
A: Don't just do something - Sit there!
What do you call a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A person who is at two with the universe.
Buddhist Compliment...
The Buddhist Master says to his disciple: "I've never met anyone so thoughtless in my life.
Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates?
A: Aware wolf.
Q: How did the yoga teacher accidentally kill his pet?
A: His karma ran over his dogma
When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied "I wish no gifts, only presence"
While talking about meditation techniques, a Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
Meditation student: If I'm open minded, won't my brains fall out?
Teacher: No, just keep your mouth shut at the same time.
V1
Q: Why Couldn't the Zen Master Vacuum His Couch?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.
V2
Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.
Q. What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?
A. Inquire within!
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
In Yoga, it's just one thing after another -- breath, breath, breath
Q: Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain?
A: He's got no beef.
Vegetarian is derived from the hindu word for "bad hunter".
I accidentally spilled coffee on a Hindu lady's dress. I told her I was very sari.
They just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, they just give you what you deserve.
Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I dont know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!"
This Hindu girl from my school said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him very frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?
“A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis”
or
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!"
"It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly.
A week later, the student came back to his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!"
"It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly.
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping. The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"
A monk arrived at a monastery that observed silence. It was carefully explained to him by one of the residents that he may speak just two words every seven years. He nodded in understanding. Seven long years passed and the monk said to the head swami, “hard bed”. Another seven years passed and he exclaimed, “lousy food”. Finally after another hard seven years he said, “I’m leaving”. To this the head swami replied, “Good, ever since you got here you have done nothing but complain!”
Version 2
A guy enters a monastery. He has to take a vow of silence, but once a year he can write a word on the chalkboard in front of the head monk. The first year it's tough not to talk, but Word Day comes around and the monk writes, "The" on the chalkboard. The second year is painful- it's very difficult not to talk - But finally Word day rolls around. The monk scratches "food" on the chalkboard and enters his third year, which is excruciating. But the Monk struggles through it, and when Word Day rolls around again, he writes "stinks."
And the head monk says, "What's with you? You've been here for three years and all you've done is complain."
Three Yogis are doing meditative in a remote cave. One day a sound is heard from outside the cave. After about six months, one of the yogis says, "Did you hear that goat?" Once again, there was silence. About a year later, one of the other Yogis says, "That wasn't a goat; it was a mule." Again, there was silence. About two years later the third yogi says, "If you two don't stop arguing, I'm leaving."
**
The Afterlife According To Eastern Religions
Two spiritual seekers, Abe and Sam, often discussed the prospect of life after death, and so they made a pact. Whichever one of them passed away first would contact the other from the next world. Many years passed, and then one day, so did Sam. About two weeks later, Abe is meditating when he hears a faint but familiar voice. “Sam, is that you?” he asks.
“Yes,” says the voice.
“That’s amazing!” said Abe. “Where are you? What are you doing?”
“Well,” Sam replied, “I get up every morning and have a little breakfast. Then I
make love all morning long. I have lunch, enjoy a little lovemaking in the afternoon, have dinner, make love all evening and the next day ... it’s the same thing.”
“Wow,” said Abe. “So you’re in heaven?” “No,” said Sam. “I’m a bull in Colorado.”
**
So I went to the local yoga studio. I said: “Can you teach me how to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can make Tuesdays.”
There is a new restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.
I hear the Dalai Lama recently fired his gardener, who had a degree in carnations but didn't dig reincarnations.
Wise Teacher One zen student said, "My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating." The second said, "My teacher has so much self control, he can go days without sleep." The third said, "My teacher is so wise that he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired."
Two Boys A Catholic boy and a Buddhist boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your Buddha." The Buddhist boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
Two Zen monks were walking down the road.
First monk says: "These pine trees are magnificent."
The second monk slaps him across the face.
First monk: "Why did you do that?"
"I'm a Zen monk so I can get away with all kinds of weird sh!# like that."
I once had an out of body experience. I was beside myself!
The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.
Sign in the window of a metaphysical bookstore:
"Vagueness spoken here"
Zen Sarcasm
· Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
· The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
· It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
· Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
· No one is listening until you fart.
· Always Remember: Life is Sexually Transmitted!
· Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit.
· It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, just whether you beat the point spread.
· Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
· Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
· If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
· Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
· If at first you don't first succeed, skydiving is not for you.
· Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
· The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
· If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
· If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
· Everything is relative and relatives take your things.
· Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
Some days you're the dog and some days you're the fire hydrant
· Spiritual Laryngitis is when you lose your inner voice.
· Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
· Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
· The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
· A closed mouth gathers no foot.
· Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
· There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
· Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
· Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
· Never miss a good chance to shut up.
· We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt. Then things get worse.
· Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
· There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
· No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
· There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday…around age 11.
· Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
· Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop.
· Don’t get even, get odd!
· Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through channels.
· Meditation is like mental floss that helps stop Truth Decay.
· Be a true Fun-damentalist, that’s where you always put the Fun before the Mental.
· It’s O.K. to find a fault, just don’t dwell on it.
· Remember that life is a situation comedy and we are in this material world to get more material.
· Have a good laughsitive three times a day, which will ensure reguhilarity.
· God loves you, he’s just not ready to make a commitment.
· If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no mad at me.
· Whenever you are feeling blue, remember to start breathing again!
· The Shortest Distance Between Two Points is …usually under construction.
· Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
· Prejudiced people are all alike.
· Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
· An oral contract isn’t worth the paper its written on.
· Don’t be redundant by repeating yourself.
· My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
· I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
· Entropy just isn’t what it used to be.
· Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
· The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away
· Man was predestined to have free will
· Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off
· “Life is an Orgasm, Don’t Fake it!”
If you can't be kind, at least be vague
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them talk.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Rehab is for quitters
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometime age comes alone.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Being honest may not get you a lot of FRIENDS but it'll always get you the RIGHT ONES.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman - Then always be Batman.
Remember, Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people are just out of film.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people are just out of film.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
The Afterlife is Out of This World
Farting on an Elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing.
Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver
Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?
If your dog is too fat, then your not getting enough exercise.
Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.
Having trouble sleeping? Try counting your blessings.
We are punished by our sins, not for them
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
I believe in God. I just don't trust anybody who works for him.
Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
If it seems like everything is coming at you, maybe you're in the wrong lane.
The enlightened ones have no boundaries, but respect those of others.
A word to the wise is sufficient, but a thousand to a fool is not quite enough.
A world without religion doesn't have a prayer.
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race has not, and will never achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings.
It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who push to share their religious views with you rarely care to have you to share yours with them.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
On the other hand, you have different fingers...
"Meditation - Don't just do something, sit there."
"Meditation - You have the right to remain silent."
"Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time."