Hold the Mayo (Mayo clinic that is) - Doctors & Hospitals are a Joke!
Jokes that will leave you in stitches
"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease."
~Voltaire
"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease."
~Voltaire
Patient: “Okay doc, break it to me, how long do I have to live?”
Doctor: “ten.”
Patient: “Ten, what? Years? Months?”
Doctor:” …nine…eight…seven…six”
Patient: “I'm feeling terrible. Am I dying?”
Doctor: I'll have to examine you. Hmmm....hmmmmmm. I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time.
Patient: Oh no! how long have I got?
Doctor: Ten...
Patient: “Ten, what?
Doctor: Nine...
Patient: Nine? Nine what -- months? weeks? what?!
Doctor: Eight…seven…six...
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type and DNA.
There are over 50 million people in the U.S. that are overweight. These of course are only round figures.
What do you call a doctor who graduated at the bottom of his class?
Doctor.
Doctor: What seems to be the matter?
Patient: I have a sore throat, Doctor. I ache, I have a fever.
Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.
Patient: Everyone in the office has it.
Doctor: Well Then, maybe it's a staff infection.
"Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Come now, pull yourself together."
Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I guy goes to the doctor's office and the doctor says, "I haven't seen you for a while."
The guy says, "I know, I've been sick."
What do you do if you break your arm in two places? Don't go back to those two places.
Why did the urologist lose his license?
He got in trouble with his peers.
"Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room."
"Tell him I can't see him now."
The pony went to the doctor and said "I have a sore throat."
The doctor said "It's okay your just a little horse."
"Doctor, I think I'm suffering from memory loss."
"Have you ever had it before?"
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $300
Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can do it slower if you like.
A guy walks up to the receptionist in the psychiatrist’s office and says: “I’m the invisible man and I would like to talk to the doctor.” The receptionist pokes her head into the psychiatrist’s office and says: “There is a man here who wants to talk to you, and he claims he’s the invisible man.” The psychiatrist replies: “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”
A doctor says to his patient: “Without these treatments, you got three months to live” and hands him a bill. The patient says: “My God! Look at all these. I can’t come up with this kind of money in three months!” The doctor says, “Alright! You’ve got six months to live.”
Patient: “Doctor, when I press my stomach it hurts, when I press my cheeks it hurts, and when I press my leg it hurts! What’s wrong with me? Is it serious?”
Doctor: “No, it’s just your finger that is broken.”
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor, I can’t get this song out of my head and it’s driving me mad. I can’t stop humming, “It’s Good to Touch the Green Green Grass of Home.”
Doctor:”Hmm, sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Patient: “Never heard of it.”
Doctor: “Well, it’s not unusual…”
Teacher: "What is the spinal column?"
Student: "A long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."
An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news.
The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc."
The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."
The doctor says to the patient: “You’re in excellent health – you’ll live to be ninety.” The patient replies: “But doctor, I am ninety!”
The doctor responds: Well that’s it then.”
Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s alright now!
A man goes to the doctor, wags his arm and says, ‘Doctor, it hurts when I do this.’ And the doctor says, ‘So don’t do this.’
Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...
She was attacked by a giant crab.
Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. “Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!” “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed. “Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!
Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment. “How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” She asked.” “It’s $130″, was the prompt reply. “$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to go cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.” “Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.” “Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say,” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
A man goes to the doctor and has a check up. The doctor says to his patient: I have bad news and worse news.” “Oh dear, what’s the bad news”, asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” That’s terrible”, said the patient, “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."
Patient: "That's ok. I will come back when you are sober."
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
So this man searching for the fountain of youth goes to a doctor and ask him, “Can you tell me how I can live forever?” The doctor responds, “give up smoking, drinking, sex, and eat only raw salad with no dressing.” Shocked the man replies, “that will make me live forever.” To this the doctor answers, “I don’t know but it will seem like forever.”
Did you hear that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
A guy walks into a doctors office with a strawberry growing out of his ear.
The doctor says, “I've got some cream for that.
Confucius's once said, "When you breathe, you inspire, and when you do not breathe, you expire."
Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. After the surgery I found another note on myself .”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????”
A man goes to the doctor and says: “doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.” The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, “Is it serious doctor?” and the doctor replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
Patient: Doctor, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
Doctor: Are you taking anything for that?
Patient: Ground Pepper!
Bob had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all night long. The guilt was overwhelming. A soothing voice inside himself would always remind him the doctors have always been sleeping with their patients. But another voice would bring him back to reality, “dammit Bob, you’re a vet.”
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I’ve got some cream for that.”
'What's wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled."
"I can't figure out exactly what's wrong with you. I think it's the result of heavy drinking."
"Well then, I'll just come back when you're sober."
A 90 year old man went to his doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife, who is eighteen, is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of his gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. And when a bear suddenly charged at him, he pointed his umbrella at the bear, shot at it, and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible. Somebody else must have shot the bear."
"Exactly my point."
Doctor! Something's wrong! I'm shrinking!"
"Take it easy, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient."
The doctor calls up the patient and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news for you."
"What's the good news, Doctor?"
"They're going to name a disease after you."
Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me, When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me doctor!?
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight…”
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"
"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts."
"I believe you've broken your finger."
"Hello Doctor?"
"Yes?"
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?"
"No, this is her husband!"
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
***
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I married recently and was making progress with establishing a relationship with my mother-in-law by having a pleasant round of golf. The she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my mother-in-law's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tell and yelled, "HEY, THIS LOOKS LIKE YOURS!"
***
Living Longer
It was reputed some years back that there was one little neighborhood on the Lower East Side in New York where people lived to be very old. A sociologist from NYU decided to investigate, first to see if there was any truth to the rumor, and second to see what these people did to help them live that long.
So she traveled to the neighborhood, and there on the park bench was a very, very old man. “Excuse me,” she said to him, “but you seem very old. Do you mind if I ask you how old you are?”
“I’m a hundred and three,” he replied.
“And I understand there are a lot of other very, very old people in this neighborhood,” she continued.
“That’s right,” he nodded.
“Well,” she said, “I’d like to find out what the death rate is around here.” “Oh,” the old man replied, “it’s about one per person.”
***
Long Life
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "
Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking."
The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "
Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "
Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
The doctor replies "I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
***
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Why did the boy tiptoe infront of the medicine cabinet?
Because he didnt wanna wake the sleeping pills.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out." Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.
(eat poop for clean version).
***
**
Health Insurance
A man needed a very serious operation, and he went to the finest surgeon in the country. The operation was a success, and the surgeon presented his bill. “Oh, I can’t pay that,” the patient replied.
“How about your health insurance?” the surgeon asked.
“Who has health insurance?” the man answered.
“All right,” said the surgeon, somewhat annoyed. “Then pay me what you can.”
“I don’t have a penny to my name,” the man told him. “I can’t pay you anything.”
Now the surgeon was really upset. “If you knew you couldn’t pay, why did you come to the finest surgeon in the country?”
“Because,” replied the man, “when it comes to my health, money is no object.”
**
Dieting
Your fat and you need to go on a diet.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it because you'll eat that too.
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light she starts to eat. -Henry Youngman
You can't lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
Why should you go to the paint store if your on a diet?
You can get thinner there.
How do most people curb their appetite?
At the drive thru window.
What should you never put in an ice cream sundae?
A Spoon.
What do you call a fascist vegan?
Lactose intolerant.
How do you know your low fat diet is working?
The fat hangs lower every day.
Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.
What makes the Tower of Piza lean?
A: A proper diet and exercise.
Psychiatrist Jokes
**
A man was being given a psychology test for a job interview.
“Now,” said the psychologist, “I’m going to draw a picture, and you’re going to give me a free association.”
The psychologist drew a circle, and the man said, “Sex.”
Then he drew a square. “Sex,” said the man.
Then a triangle. The man nodded and said, “Sex.”
“Well,” said the psychologist, “you certainly seem to be obsessed with sex.” “Me?” said the man. “What do you mean, me? You’re the one drawing all the dirty pictures.”
**
I guy walked into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but a piece of Saran Wrap around his waist. The psychiatrist said: “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
Psychiatrist: Mr Phelps, I can say with confidence that after fifteen years of psychotherapy you are cured.
Patient: Well, that's good, I guess. But on the other hand, fifteen years ago I was God. Now I'm nobody.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning
He conditioned it.
Do you know the name Pavlov?
It rings a bell.
Have you heard of Pavlov?
That name rings a bell...
A woman told her therapist: "For eighteen years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world! Then we met."
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.
Who is this Rorschach guy? … and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. He says, "What's the matter with me?"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."
It's a Freudian Slip when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”
A guy walks in to his psychiatrists office and says" Doc you got to help me, One night I dream I'm a teepee and the next night i dream that i am a wigwam." The doctor say's," relax, you're two tents”
Patient, nervously: "I'm a teepee!, I'm a wigwam !
Psychiatrist: "Relax,... you're two tents."
A guy goes to the Doctors and he says "Doctor, I'm really worried about my brother, he thinks he's a Hen!" The Doctor says "well have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?", and the guy says "Don't be stupid, we need the eggs!"
A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: “Could you please pass the butter. ”
But instead I said: “You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.”
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
A man consults a therapist and states, "Doc, I'm suicidal. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Pay in advance".
A Jewish man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. He said, "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
**
Two psychiatrists each had their practice in the same building for twenty-five years, but had never spoken. After a quarter-century in practice, one still appeared young and upbeat. The other looked old and beat up. One day, they found themselves on the elevator together. Unable to contain his curiosity, the prematurely-aged psychiatrist began a conversation with his colleague. “I’ve got to know,” he began. “How can you spend twenty-five years listening to people’s problems and still look so bright and cheerful?”
“Who listens?” was the reply.
**
Doctor: “ten.”
Patient: “Ten, what? Years? Months?”
Doctor:” …nine…eight…seven…six”
Patient: “I'm feeling terrible. Am I dying?”
Doctor: I'll have to examine you. Hmmm....hmmmmmm. I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time.
Patient: Oh no! how long have I got?
Doctor: Ten...
Patient: “Ten, what?
Doctor: Nine...
Patient: Nine? Nine what -- months? weeks? what?!
Doctor: Eight…seven…six...
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type and DNA.
There are over 50 million people in the U.S. that are overweight. These of course are only round figures.
What do you call a doctor who graduated at the bottom of his class?
Doctor.
Doctor: What seems to be the matter?
Patient: I have a sore throat, Doctor. I ache, I have a fever.
Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.
Patient: Everyone in the office has it.
Doctor: Well Then, maybe it's a staff infection.
"Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Come now, pull yourself together."
Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I guy goes to the doctor's office and the doctor says, "I haven't seen you for a while."
The guy says, "I know, I've been sick."
What do you do if you break your arm in two places? Don't go back to those two places.
Why did the urologist lose his license?
He got in trouble with his peers.
"Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room."
"Tell him I can't see him now."
The pony went to the doctor and said "I have a sore throat."
The doctor said "It's okay your just a little horse."
"Doctor, I think I'm suffering from memory loss."
"Have you ever had it before?"
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $300
Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can do it slower if you like.
A guy walks up to the receptionist in the psychiatrist’s office and says: “I’m the invisible man and I would like to talk to the doctor.” The receptionist pokes her head into the psychiatrist’s office and says: “There is a man here who wants to talk to you, and he claims he’s the invisible man.” The psychiatrist replies: “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”
A doctor says to his patient: “Without these treatments, you got three months to live” and hands him a bill. The patient says: “My God! Look at all these. I can’t come up with this kind of money in three months!” The doctor says, “Alright! You’ve got six months to live.”
Patient: “Doctor, when I press my stomach it hurts, when I press my cheeks it hurts, and when I press my leg it hurts! What’s wrong with me? Is it serious?”
Doctor: “No, it’s just your finger that is broken.”
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor, I can’t get this song out of my head and it’s driving me mad. I can’t stop humming, “It’s Good to Touch the Green Green Grass of Home.”
Doctor:”Hmm, sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Patient: “Never heard of it.”
Doctor: “Well, it’s not unusual…”
Teacher: "What is the spinal column?"
Student: "A long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."
An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news.
The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc."
The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."
The doctor says to the patient: “You’re in excellent health – you’ll live to be ninety.” The patient replies: “But doctor, I am ninety!”
The doctor responds: Well that’s it then.”
Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s alright now!
A man goes to the doctor, wags his arm and says, ‘Doctor, it hurts when I do this.’ And the doctor says, ‘So don’t do this.’
Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...
She was attacked by a giant crab.
Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. “Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!” “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed. “Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!
Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment. “How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” She asked.” “It’s $130″, was the prompt reply. “$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to go cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.” “Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.” “Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say,” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
A man goes to the doctor and has a check up. The doctor says to his patient: I have bad news and worse news.” “Oh dear, what’s the bad news”, asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” That’s terrible”, said the patient, “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."
Patient: "That's ok. I will come back when you are sober."
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
So this man searching for the fountain of youth goes to a doctor and ask him, “Can you tell me how I can live forever?” The doctor responds, “give up smoking, drinking, sex, and eat only raw salad with no dressing.” Shocked the man replies, “that will make me live forever.” To this the doctor answers, “I don’t know but it will seem like forever.”
Did you hear that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
A guy walks into a doctors office with a strawberry growing out of his ear.
The doctor says, “I've got some cream for that.
Confucius's once said, "When you breathe, you inspire, and when you do not breathe, you expire."
Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. After the surgery I found another note on myself .”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????”
A man goes to the doctor and says: “doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.” The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, “Is it serious doctor?” and the doctor replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
Patient: Doctor, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
Doctor: Are you taking anything for that?
Patient: Ground Pepper!
Bob had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all night long. The guilt was overwhelming. A soothing voice inside himself would always remind him the doctors have always been sleeping with their patients. But another voice would bring him back to reality, “dammit Bob, you’re a vet.”
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I’ve got some cream for that.”
'What's wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled."
"I can't figure out exactly what's wrong with you. I think it's the result of heavy drinking."
"Well then, I'll just come back when you're sober."
A 90 year old man went to his doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife, who is eighteen, is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of his gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. And when a bear suddenly charged at him, he pointed his umbrella at the bear, shot at it, and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible. Somebody else must have shot the bear."
"Exactly my point."
Doctor! Something's wrong! I'm shrinking!"
"Take it easy, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient."
The doctor calls up the patient and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news for you."
"What's the good news, Doctor?"
"They're going to name a disease after you."
Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me, When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me doctor!?
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight…”
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"
"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts."
"I believe you've broken your finger."
"Hello Doctor?"
"Yes?"
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?"
"No, this is her husband!"
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
***
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I married recently and was making progress with establishing a relationship with my mother-in-law by having a pleasant round of golf. The she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my mother-in-law's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tell and yelled, "HEY, THIS LOOKS LIKE YOURS!"
***
Living Longer
It was reputed some years back that there was one little neighborhood on the Lower East Side in New York where people lived to be very old. A sociologist from NYU decided to investigate, first to see if there was any truth to the rumor, and second to see what these people did to help them live that long.
So she traveled to the neighborhood, and there on the park bench was a very, very old man. “Excuse me,” she said to him, “but you seem very old. Do you mind if I ask you how old you are?”
“I’m a hundred and three,” he replied.
“And I understand there are a lot of other very, very old people in this neighborhood,” she continued.
“That’s right,” he nodded.
“Well,” she said, “I’d like to find out what the death rate is around here.” “Oh,” the old man replied, “it’s about one per person.”
***
Long Life
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "
Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking."
The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "
Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "
Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
The doctor replies "I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
***
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Why did the boy tiptoe infront of the medicine cabinet?
Because he didnt wanna wake the sleeping pills.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out." Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.
(eat poop for clean version).
***
**
Health Insurance
A man needed a very serious operation, and he went to the finest surgeon in the country. The operation was a success, and the surgeon presented his bill. “Oh, I can’t pay that,” the patient replied.
“How about your health insurance?” the surgeon asked.
“Who has health insurance?” the man answered.
“All right,” said the surgeon, somewhat annoyed. “Then pay me what you can.”
“I don’t have a penny to my name,” the man told him. “I can’t pay you anything.”
Now the surgeon was really upset. “If you knew you couldn’t pay, why did you come to the finest surgeon in the country?”
“Because,” replied the man, “when it comes to my health, money is no object.”
**
Dieting
Your fat and you need to go on a diet.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it because you'll eat that too.
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light she starts to eat. -Henry Youngman
You can't lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
Why should you go to the paint store if your on a diet?
You can get thinner there.
How do most people curb their appetite?
At the drive thru window.
What should you never put in an ice cream sundae?
A Spoon.
What do you call a fascist vegan?
Lactose intolerant.
How do you know your low fat diet is working?
The fat hangs lower every day.
Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.
What makes the Tower of Piza lean?
A: A proper diet and exercise.
Psychiatrist Jokes
**
A man was being given a psychology test for a job interview.
“Now,” said the psychologist, “I’m going to draw a picture, and you’re going to give me a free association.”
The psychologist drew a circle, and the man said, “Sex.”
Then he drew a square. “Sex,” said the man.
Then a triangle. The man nodded and said, “Sex.”
“Well,” said the psychologist, “you certainly seem to be obsessed with sex.” “Me?” said the man. “What do you mean, me? You’re the one drawing all the dirty pictures.”
**
I guy walked into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but a piece of Saran Wrap around his waist. The psychiatrist said: “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
Psychiatrist: Mr Phelps, I can say with confidence that after fifteen years of psychotherapy you are cured.
Patient: Well, that's good, I guess. But on the other hand, fifteen years ago I was God. Now I'm nobody.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning
He conditioned it.
Do you know the name Pavlov?
It rings a bell.
Have you heard of Pavlov?
That name rings a bell...
A woman told her therapist: "For eighteen years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world! Then we met."
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.
Who is this Rorschach guy? … and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. He says, "What's the matter with me?"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."
It's a Freudian Slip when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”
A guy walks in to his psychiatrists office and says" Doc you got to help me, One night I dream I'm a teepee and the next night i dream that i am a wigwam." The doctor say's," relax, you're two tents”
Patient, nervously: "I'm a teepee!, I'm a wigwam !
Psychiatrist: "Relax,... you're two tents."
A guy goes to the Doctors and he says "Doctor, I'm really worried about my brother, he thinks he's a Hen!" The Doctor says "well have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?", and the guy says "Don't be stupid, we need the eggs!"
A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: “Could you please pass the butter. ”
But instead I said: “You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.”
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
A man consults a therapist and states, "Doc, I'm suicidal. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Pay in advance".
A Jewish man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. He said, "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
**
Two psychiatrists each had their practice in the same building for twenty-five years, but had never spoken. After a quarter-century in practice, one still appeared young and upbeat. The other looked old and beat up. One day, they found themselves on the elevator together. Unable to contain his curiosity, the prematurely-aged psychiatrist began a conversation with his colleague. “I’ve got to know,” he began. “How can you spend twenty-five years listening to people’s problems and still look so bright and cheerful?”
“Who listens?” was the reply.
**
