Ah-HA! - Math and Science Giggles
Physics Jokes
What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”
Why can't you trust atoms (or Why should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
Why are moon rocks better to eat than Earth rocks?
Because, they're a little meteor.
A transistor as a nun who's had a sex change.
Q: What is a nuclear physicist's favorite meal?
A: Fission Chips.
It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you."
Famous Astronomer Quote: I was up all night wondering where the Sun had gone; ... then it dawned on me.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them talk.
Elementary particle are the dreams that stuff is made of.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Q: Did you hear that NASA recently launched a bunch of Holsteins into low Earth orbit? A: They called it the Herd Shot 'Round The World!
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve faster than light particles in here."
A tachyon walks into a bar
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he is stopped by a cop. The cop says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know where I am.”
Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
In Fairbanks Alaska you can get 40 below on a test.
They just discovered room temperature superconductivity in Fairbanks, Alaska
"Teach us about absolute zero!" 0 K
Unknown Fact: You can be cooled to -273.15C and be 0K.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.
0k = zero Kelvin is equivalent to −273.15°C also known as absolute zero. He’s not OK, he’s 0k
I SAW MY FRIENDS SUCKING BALLOONS WITH HELIUM, AND I WAS LIKE He, He, He
Physicist's favorite bumper sticker saying: "Absolute zero is cool!"
I realized I weighed nothing on a milligram scale and I was like, 0mg
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks, “Excuse me professor, but does New York stop by this train?
A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
Physics quote of the day: Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.
Q: What did the dog say to his owner?
A: "My favorite frequency is 50,000 hertz but you've probably never heard of that."
I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I'm reading a terrifically interesting book about ani-gravity- I just can't put it down.
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Mew here means friction. coefficient of friction -> μ -> mu -> mew--
Everything is relative and relatives take all your things.
Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.
A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest yells 'get out!'
The Boson replies 'But you can't have mass without me'.
What are Black Holes?
What you get in black socks.
I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
An Unsolved Question in Biophysics: Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?
What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
(Hint, he invented fractal mathematics and geometry)
A quantum physicist walks into a bar. . . maybe
Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar ...and doesn't
When the astronomy department found out their famous professor was not going to get the Nobel prize this year, they decided to hold a party for him anyway and give him a constellation prize instead.
Why was Albert Einstein's father afraid to teach him the vowels?
A: Because every time he said them out loud, he ended up owing his son money!
(Hint: Think Albert Einsteins Initials then say all the vowels after that A.E.I.O.U)
Q:What did the lion do to the particle physicists?
A:It lepton him!
Q: What did the receiver say to the radio wave?
A: Ow! That megahertz.
Q: What was Schrödinger's favorite childhood book?
A: The Cat in the Box by Dr. Seuss
Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.
Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?
Theoretical Physicist - n.- physicist that is postulated to exist but has never actually been observed in a laboratory.
There was a physics professor at Princeton who reported to have said to his thermodynamics class the following:
"If you cannot answer question 20 on this test, then you better major in another subject."
Question 20 on the test read, "Watt is the unit of power?"
Physicist - "for my next experiment I intend to prove that neutrinos have mass."
Langdon - "neutrinos have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic"
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
A physics professor, who was teaching a graduate course on superstring theory, decided to add an essay question to this year's final exam. The instructions read, "Describe the universe in 400 words or less and give three examples."
An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.
Is your mother traveling at the speed of light? Because her mass is infinite.
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle says "You can never be sure how many beers you had last night."
Einstein
Three months before his 1905 seminal relativity paper, Einstein perform the following thought experiment, which, by the way, is known as a gedanken experiment in theoretical physics:
Einstein imagined, "If I vere to put my hand on a hot stove for a minute, it vould seem like an hour. But if I vere to sit with a pretty girl for an hour, it vould seem like a minute. By Jove, I zink time is relative."
Einstein's favorite limerick was:
There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
--
Halley's (Comet) Limerick
From the public, his discovery brought cheers.
From his wife, it drew nothing but torrents of tears.
"For you see," said Ms. Halley,
"He used to come daily;
Now he comes once every 70 years!"
--
Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Oh f****, it's just a satellite.
BIG BANG
A surgeon, a Mathematician and a Politician were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon stated that his profession was first, "After all", he asked, "who do you think helped god make Eve out of one of Adam's ribs?" The mathematician said "No, before Adam and Eve and even before the Big Bang, there was chaos and God needed a mahematician to show him how to use chaos theory." The politician spoke up, "Ha! I win, who do you think caused the chaos?"
--
So I was talking to Heisenburg the other day and I asked him, "Hows it going?" and he said, "Not so good..."
I asked "Why not so good?" and he said "Well.. it's the ladies.. I just cant get any!"
I said "Why not? I mean you'd think the ladies would be swarming you with international fame and all."
His reply was "Well, they are.. they are.. it's just when I've got the time I haven't got the energy and when I've got the energy I havent got the time...."
--
Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"
--
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were going camping. They pitched a tent under the start and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson and said “look up at the stars and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like our earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that someone stole our tent”.
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were sleeping out in the wild. At 2:00 am in the morning, Holmes woke up Watson and he asked, "Watson, look up and pray tell me what you presume."
Watson replied, "I see a vast Universe, full of stars and wonder. There is Venus over there. And the Moon is half lit. I know that lurking at the center of our galaxy is a black hole, and that gamma ray bursts occasionally blast at us, that there are billions and billions of planets out there, some of which must harbor life. We are not alone."
Watson would have continued but Holmes abruptly cut him off, "No, Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!"
Ten little known facts about relativity:
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
(3) Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
(5) The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
(6) Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
(7) The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
(8) Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
(9) Moving midgets are shortened.
(10) Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.
Albert Einstein - True Story
A reporter once came to interview Albert Einstein. When she arrived at his laboratory at Princeton, she was surprised to notice a horseshoe hanging above the door.
“Professor Einstein,” she said, “surely a man of science like you doesn’t believe a horseshoe will bring you good luck?”
“Of course not,” was his reply. “I think the notion is utter nonsense.” “Then, why is that horseshoe up there?” she asked.
“Because it works whether you believe in it or not,” Einstein replied.
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”
Why can't you trust atoms (or Why should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
Why are moon rocks better to eat than Earth rocks?
Because, they're a little meteor.
A transistor as a nun who's had a sex change.
Q: What is a nuclear physicist's favorite meal?
A: Fission Chips.
It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you."
Famous Astronomer Quote: I was up all night wondering where the Sun had gone; ... then it dawned on me.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them talk.
Elementary particle are the dreams that stuff is made of.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Q: Did you hear that NASA recently launched a bunch of Holsteins into low Earth orbit? A: They called it the Herd Shot 'Round The World!
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve faster than light particles in here."
A tachyon walks into a bar
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he is stopped by a cop. The cop says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know where I am.”
Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
In Fairbanks Alaska you can get 40 below on a test.
They just discovered room temperature superconductivity in Fairbanks, Alaska
"Teach us about absolute zero!" 0 K
Unknown Fact: You can be cooled to -273.15C and be 0K.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.
0k = zero Kelvin is equivalent to −273.15°C also known as absolute zero. He’s not OK, he’s 0k
I SAW MY FRIENDS SUCKING BALLOONS WITH HELIUM, AND I WAS LIKE He, He, He
Physicist's favorite bumper sticker saying: "Absolute zero is cool!"
I realized I weighed nothing on a milligram scale and I was like, 0mg
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks, “Excuse me professor, but does New York stop by this train?
A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
Physics quote of the day: Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.
Q: What did the dog say to his owner?
A: "My favorite frequency is 50,000 hertz but you've probably never heard of that."
I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I'm reading a terrifically interesting book about ani-gravity- I just can't put it down.
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Mew here means friction. coefficient of friction -> μ -> mu -> mew--
Everything is relative and relatives take all your things.
Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.
A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest yells 'get out!'
The Boson replies 'But you can't have mass without me'.
What are Black Holes?
What you get in black socks.
I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
An Unsolved Question in Biophysics: Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?
What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
(Hint, he invented fractal mathematics and geometry)
A quantum physicist walks into a bar. . . maybe
Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar ...and doesn't
When the astronomy department found out their famous professor was not going to get the Nobel prize this year, they decided to hold a party for him anyway and give him a constellation prize instead.
Why was Albert Einstein's father afraid to teach him the vowels?
A: Because every time he said them out loud, he ended up owing his son money!
(Hint: Think Albert Einsteins Initials then say all the vowels after that A.E.I.O.U)
Q:What did the lion do to the particle physicists?
A:It lepton him!
Q: What did the receiver say to the radio wave?
A: Ow! That megahertz.
Q: What was Schrödinger's favorite childhood book?
A: The Cat in the Box by Dr. Seuss
Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.
Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?
Theoretical Physicist - n.- physicist that is postulated to exist but has never actually been observed in a laboratory.
There was a physics professor at Princeton who reported to have said to his thermodynamics class the following:
"If you cannot answer question 20 on this test, then you better major in another subject."
Question 20 on the test read, "Watt is the unit of power?"
Physicist - "for my next experiment I intend to prove that neutrinos have mass."
Langdon - "neutrinos have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic"
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
A physics professor, who was teaching a graduate course on superstring theory, decided to add an essay question to this year's final exam. The instructions read, "Describe the universe in 400 words or less and give three examples."
An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.
Is your mother traveling at the speed of light? Because her mass is infinite.
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle says "You can never be sure how many beers you had last night."
Einstein
Three months before his 1905 seminal relativity paper, Einstein perform the following thought experiment, which, by the way, is known as a gedanken experiment in theoretical physics:
Einstein imagined, "If I vere to put my hand on a hot stove for a minute, it vould seem like an hour. But if I vere to sit with a pretty girl for an hour, it vould seem like a minute. By Jove, I zink time is relative."
Einstein's favorite limerick was:
There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
--
Halley's (Comet) Limerick
From the public, his discovery brought cheers.
From his wife, it drew nothing but torrents of tears.
"For you see," said Ms. Halley,
"He used to come daily;
Now he comes once every 70 years!"
--
Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Oh f****, it's just a satellite.
BIG BANG
A surgeon, a Mathematician and a Politician were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon stated that his profession was first, "After all", he asked, "who do you think helped god make Eve out of one of Adam's ribs?" The mathematician said "No, before Adam and Eve and even before the Big Bang, there was chaos and God needed a mahematician to show him how to use chaos theory." The politician spoke up, "Ha! I win, who do you think caused the chaos?"
--
So I was talking to Heisenburg the other day and I asked him, "Hows it going?" and he said, "Not so good..."
I asked "Why not so good?" and he said "Well.. it's the ladies.. I just cant get any!"
I said "Why not? I mean you'd think the ladies would be swarming you with international fame and all."
His reply was "Well, they are.. they are.. it's just when I've got the time I haven't got the energy and when I've got the energy I havent got the time...."
--
Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"
--
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were going camping. They pitched a tent under the start and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson and said “look up at the stars and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like our earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that someone stole our tent”.
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were sleeping out in the wild. At 2:00 am in the morning, Holmes woke up Watson and he asked, "Watson, look up and pray tell me what you presume."
Watson replied, "I see a vast Universe, full of stars and wonder. There is Venus over there. And the Moon is half lit. I know that lurking at the center of our galaxy is a black hole, and that gamma ray bursts occasionally blast at us, that there are billions and billions of planets out there, some of which must harbor life. We are not alone."
Watson would have continued but Holmes abruptly cut him off, "No, Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!"
Ten little known facts about relativity:
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
(3) Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
(5) The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
(6) Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
(7) The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
(8) Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
(9) Moving midgets are shortened.
(10) Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.
Albert Einstein - True Story
A reporter once came to interview Albert Einstein. When she arrived at his laboratory at Princeton, she was surprised to notice a horseshoe hanging above the door.
“Professor Einstein,” she said, “surely a man of science like you doesn’t believe a horseshoe will bring you good luck?”
“Of course not,” was his reply. “I think the notion is utter nonsense.” “Then, why is that horseshoe up there?” she asked.
“Because it works whether you believe in it or not,” Einstein replied.
Math jokes
1. Old Mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions
2. A Math professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep
3. 79.48% of all statistics are made up on the spot
4. Statistics is like a bikini; what they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital
5. Did you here about the trigonometry teacher who developed amnesia and lost his identities
6. Yesterday, I heard a joke about decimals, but I didn’t get the point
7. What is 5Q+5Q? 10Q, you’re welcome
8. What do you tell a mathematician on Saturday night?
Don’t drink and derive.
9. Lottery is a tax on people who do not understand statistics
10. Do you know that half of all people are below average.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?”
Ans: Pumkin Pi.
Q: What do you call friends who love math?
A: algebros
What is Algebra
A: Undergarment for mermaids
Q: What does the little mermaid wear?
A: An algae-bra.
(followup-nonmathematical)
Why Do Mermaids wear seashells?
A: Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too large.
What do you tell a mathematician on Saturday night?
A: Don’t drink and derive.
Q: Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
A: Because you can't drink and derive...
What did Zero say to number Eight?
Sigh
“Nice belt.”
Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.
Q: Why wasn't the geometry teacher at school?
A: Because she sprained her angle!!
Q: Why is a math book always unhappy?
A: Because it always has lots of problems.
Dear Math, I am not a Therapist... Solve your own problems!
Your momma is so mean… she has no standard deviation.
A topologist is a person who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
What did Zero say to number Eight?
sigh
"Nice belt."
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who know binary and those who don’t.
Two statisticians went duck hunting. Not being very good, they did not see a duck all day. Just as they were about to leave, a duck flew out in front of them. Both aimed and fired. One shot went two meters to the right of the duck, the other shot went two meters to the left and the duck escaped.
However, they went home very happy, because, on average, they hit the bird!
Two random variables were talking in a bar. They thought they were being discrete but I heard their chatter continuously.
Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
Have you heard about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Elephant x Grape x sin(theta)
Q: What do you get when you cross an Mosquito and a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar!
Q: What's the volume of a pizza of thickness a and radius z?
A: Pi·z·z·a
Explanation: The formula for volume is π·(radius)2·(height). In this case, pi·z·z·a.
Applying For A Job There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench across from a house. They watch as two people go into the house, and then a little later, three people walk out.
The physicist says, "The initial measurement was incorrect."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
And the mathematician says, "If exactly one person enters that house, it will be empty."
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." The barman pulls out just two beers. The mathematicians are all like, "That's all you're giving us? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?" The bartender says, "Come on guys. Know your limits."
Explanation: This is a reference to a converging infinite series.
The limit of this:
from n=0 to ∞ Σ (1/2n) = 1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8 + ... = 2
--
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"
Explanation: This is another hilarious reference to an infinite series — the harmonic series — which is not convergent but instead diverges to infinity.
from n=1 to ∞ Σ (1/n) = 1 + 1/2 + 1/3 + 1/4 + ... = ∞
--
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."
Airport Security (longer version)
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." "So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!" "Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." "And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" "You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
The balloonist says, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're >going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same >position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
**
The flood is over and the ark has landed. "Go forth and multiply," Noah tells the animals.A few months later, he decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "Please, Noah," say the snakes, "we need you to cut down some trees for us."
"No problem," says Noah. He cuts down a few trees and goes home scratching his head. A few weeks later he gets curious and come back to check on the snakes. They now have lots of little snakes and everyone is happy. "What happened?" he asks them.
"We are adders," the snakes explain. "So we need logs to multiply."
Vacation
A mathematician, an engineer, and a computer scientist are vacationing together. They are riding in a car, enjoying the countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working. The mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago. Someone should go back and ask for help." The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it." The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the doors, slam them shut, and see if everything works again?"
***Science (general)***
Why can’t a scientist tell a joke timing.
What's a transistor?
A Priest who wears nun's clothing.
A transistor as a nun who's had a sex change.
An optimist sees a glass half full.
A pessimist sees it half empty.
An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.
Why did the scientist put a knocker on his front door?
Cos he wanted to win the no-bell prize!
There are two types of people in this world:… Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
“Sally, can you spell water for me?” the teacher asked.
“H I J K L M N O” answered Sally.
Her teacher looks puzzled: “That doesn’t spell water!”
“Sure it does”, said Sally. It’s all the letters from H to O!”
Which fairground ride is made of iron?
The Ferrous Wheel
What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium
Summary of Organic Chemistry carbon is a whore
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.
I was going to tell a Sodium and Hydrogen pun But (thought) NaH.
Q: How many molecules in a bowl of guacamole?
A: Avacado's Number
Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.
An Engineer gets home from work very late and sees a note on the fridge from his wife: "This isn't working, I'm going to my mom's."
He opens the fridge, checks the light, grabs a beer, feels it cold and drinks it. And wonders: The fridge works just fine!.
At NIH (National Institute of Health), there is a sign on the door of a microbiology lab that reads "STAPH ONLY!"
Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
A male frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her in a bar?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
***
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a Windows Software engineer were out riding, when their car broke down,and they couldn't get it started. The mechanical engineer suggested that it might be out of gas, but after checking it out he found that it had plenty of gas.
The electrical engineer thought it might be the ignition system; lifted the hood and decided that everything was OK.
The Software engineer said, "Why don't we all roll the windows up, get out of the car, get back in the car and roll the windows down again then see if it starts?"
***
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asked the guard: “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replied: They are three million, four years and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number”, says he tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answered: “Well, the dinosaur bones were 3 million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
***
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The engineer looks out the window and sees a black sheep. He comments: “Look, they have black sheep in Scotland.”
The physicist looks and comments:”From this observation, we can only say there is at least one black sheep in Scotland.” The mathematician then looks and comments: “Actually, from this we can only say there is at least one sheep in Scotland that’s black on one side.”
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measureable distance from the Earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earths surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs – the tallest ones, anyway.
A Biologist, a Chemist and a Statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left. The chemist takes a shot=
and misses 5ft to the right. The statistician yells "WE GOT 'EM!"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
The empirical formula of these jokes are made of Cobalt, Radon, and Yttrium:
CoRnY
Q: What do you get when you mix iron, bromine, uranium, argon, and yttrium?
A: FeBrUArY
Q:What did the rock say to the geologist?
A:Do not take me for granite.
Q: What did one lab rat say to the other?
A: "I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.
Q: What does a sperm do when he meets the egg of his dreams ?
A: He looses his head !
Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes
Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see?
A: A mole of molasses.
Q: What does a teary-eyed, joyful Santa say about chemistry?
A: HOH, HOH, HOH!
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
A chemistry professor couldn't resist interjecting a little philosophy into a class lecture. He interrupted his discussion on balancing chemical equations, saying, "Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!"
Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, "I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them."
Susan was in chemistry. Susan is no more, for what she thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Q: Why is potassium a racist element?
A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.
Q:What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
Engineer: If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
Physicist: If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
Mathematician: If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
Q. What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
A. Barium.
Q:What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?
A:A KNiFe.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!
Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
A question from the audience for a neuroscientist during a recent conference: "Could we have your thoughts on telepathy?"
Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium ... Batman!
(hint: think Batman Theme Song --> Nananananananananan ….Batman)
A man, complaining of headaches, entered a hospital for diagnostic tests. A doctor examined the results for a brain scan and told the patient, "I have bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that you have a serious brain disease and will die without treatment. The good news is that this hospital has developed a new procedure for brain transplants and due to a car accident this morning two 'fresh' brains are available: one is from a taxi driver and the other is from a scientist. The brain of the taxi driver costs $225,000, while that of the scientist is only $29.95." Puzzled, the patient asked, "Why is the scientist's brain was so much cheaper?" The doctor replied, "It's used."
A guy comes to the vet with his parrot: The guy- "whats wrong with it?" The Vet- "It’s dead" The guy- "I want a second opinion!" The vet brings in a cat. The cat sniffs the bird and shakes its head The guy- "noo i want a third opinion!" The vet brings in a dog. The dog sniffs the bird and shakes its head The guy- "ok then I accept that its dead. How much do I owe you"? The vet- "that will be 2100 dollars" The guy- "WHAT!! 2100 telling me, that my parrot is dead!" The Vet-"100 for telling you the parrots dead, 1000 for the cat scan and another 1000 for the lab report"
The Unjust Salary Theorem asserts that scientists can never earn as much as sales people. This theorem is proved as follows. Start by using the physics formula
Power = Work / Time
Now you probably have heard that Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Substitute these tautologies into the formula for power to obtain
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for Money, one finds
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Therefore, the less you know, the more you make.
Question: What is "IT"?
Astronomers do IT all night.
Chemists do IT by bonding.
Newton did IT with force.
Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.
Maxwell did IT with magnetism.
Volta did IT with a jolt.
Watt did IT with power.
Joule did IT with energy.
Ohm did IT with resistance.
Pascal did IT under pressure.
Hooke did IT using springs.
Coulomb got all charged up about IT.
Hertz did IT frequently.
Boltzmann did IT in heat.
Ampere let IT flow.
For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.
Edison claims to have invented IT.
When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.
For Darwin, IT was natural.
Freud did IT in his sleep.
Mendel studied the consequences of IT.
When Wegener did IT, continents moved.
Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.
Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.
Bohr did IT in an excited state.
Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.
Schrödinger did IT in waves.
Bose did IT with partners.
Einstein did IT on a curved surface.
Oort did IT in a cloud.
Hubble did IT in the dark.
Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.
Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.
Theorists do IT on paper.
Wigner did IT in a group.
Richter and Ting did IT with charm.
Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.
Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.
Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.
Feynman did IT in fields.
Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.
And supersymmetric theorists do IT with sleptons.
Answer: IT = science, of course.
Argon walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “sir, we don’t serve noble gasses.”
There was no reaction.
Thanks. Now all the good chemistry jokes "Argon".
This is the last chemistry joke because all the good ones argon.
