Maybe include a segment about my animals....
Animal Crackers
Alligators
In Florida they use alligators to make handbags.
Isn’t it amazing what they can get animals to do?
Bat
Q: What did the bat say to the diabetic?
A: Nice knawing you!
Bears/Panda/Koala
So a Panda Bear just finished a dinner at a restaurant and the waiter gave him the check. The Panda reaches for his pocket, pulls out a gun and fires at the waiter. As the Panda is walking out the owner says, Why did you do that?! Pandas are supposed to be gentle creatures. The bear told him to look out Panda in the dictionary. The dictionary read, “PANDA: A rare, bearlike mammal (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) of the mountains of China and Tibet (Xizang), having woolly fur with distinctive black and white markings. EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.
V1
Two hikers were walking through the woods when they noticed a bear charging towards them in the distance. The first hiker removed his trail boots and began to lace up his running shoes. The second hiker laughed and said: “Why bother changing out the boots, you can’t outrun the bear.” The first hiker replied: "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you."
V2
The Woods Two guys are walking thru the woods when they see a charging Grizzly Bear. First guy says "Run for it!" Second guy says, "You can't outrun a Grizzly!" First guy says "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU."
Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!
How do you catch a polar bear?
A: You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all around the edge. When the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea, you kick it in the hole.
Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet? A: It lives on ice!
A baby polar bear goes to its mother and asks:
“Mummy, am I a polar bear?” “Why, yes!” She replies
“So I am not a grizzley bear, then.”
“No darling.”
The baby goes to its father and says: “Daddy, am I really a polar bear? Might I be a koala bear, or a black bear instead?”
Daddy bear says: “No! You’re a polar bear, just like your mother and father. Why are you asking these questions?”
The baby bear replies: “Because I’m bloody freezing!” (Or Because I'm F--king freezing for dirtier version).
Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
A: It lives on ice!
Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a baby bear in the front seat. "What are you doing with that bear?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the bear again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that bear to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
Q: How do you catch a fish without a fishing pole?
A: With your BEAR hands.
Q: Why don't bears like fast food?
A: Because they can't catch it!
Birds and the Bees
Bees
Q: Why do bees buzz?
A: Because they can't whistle!
Q: What do you call a wasp?
A: A wanna-bee!
Q: What kind of bee can't be understood?
A: A mumble bee!
Q: Why did the bees go on strike?
A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!
Birds
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?
A: Birds of prey!
Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they forgot the words!
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A: A bird that talks in morse code!
Q: Why do birds fly south?
A: Because it is to far to walk
Buffalo
V1
Q: What did the Father Buffalo say when his boy left for college?
A: Bi-son
V2
Q: What did mama buffalo say when her youngest went off to college?
A: "Bison!"
Butterfly/Moth/Silworm
Did you hear about the two silkworms who got in a race?
A: They both ended up in a tie.
Q: Why couldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: Because it was a moth ball!
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day? Turns over a new leaf!
Bugs
Q: What did one flea say to another?
A: "Should we walk or take the dog?"
Q: What did one girl firefly say to the other?
A (say it with swag): You glow girl!
Q: What was the spider doing on the computer?
A: Searching the web!
Cat
You know that cats have nine lives. But frogs, they croak every night.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.
Q: What is Tiger Woods now changing his name to?
A: "LION Cheetah!"
Q: What does the cheetah say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ?
A: 'Let us prey.'
Q: Why don't cheetahs like fast food?
A: Because they can't catch it!
Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the "spot."
Chameleon
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colour?
He had a reptile disfunction.
Chickens
(this joke is not vegan friendly)
Customer: Waiter, waiter! How do you prepare your chickens?
Waiter: Oh Nothing Special – we just tell them straight out that they are going to die.
Why did the chicken cross the road only 2/3 of the way?
A: He wanted to leave a good impression.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
A: He wanted to lay it on the line!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the referee calling fowls
Q: How do chickens bake a cake?
A: From scratch!
Cows
What comes out of a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled Milk.
Have you heard of the cow who attained Enlightenment?
It was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM !
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
Two cows are in a field. One turns to the other and says: “Daisy, I’m worried, I ‘m afraid we got mad cow disease.”
Daisy replies, “oh there is nothing to worry about, we’re giraffes!”
Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Did you hear that NASA lauched several cows into earth orbit?
It was the herd shot around the world.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
Dolly: I don't believe you
Daisy: It's true, I swear, no bull!
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before
Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A: An udder failure.
Q: What did mama cow say to baby cow?
A: It's pasture bedtime.
Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia
Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A: A MILK DUD!
Q: What happened to the lost cattle?
A: Nobody's herd.
Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He's got no beef.
Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?
A: Ice Cream
A farmer is milking his cow and as he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cow's ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer says, "Hmph. In one ear out the udder."
Deer
What did the male deer say to the female deer?
A: Let’s have some fawn.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye-deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still-no-eye-deer.
Dirty
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?
A: Still no f--ing eye-deer.
Q: Whats the cheapist kind of meat?
A: Deer balls there under a buck!
Dog
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are nine words here. You could send another woof for the same price.”
“But”, the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates?
A: Aware wolf.
Did you here about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
A: He would stay up all night wondering if there was a Dog.
How do you know a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark.
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
Why did the cowboy get a dachsund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy.
Q: When does a dog go "moo"?
A: When it is learning a new language!
My dog has no nose.
How does it smell?
Terrible.
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
A man took his Great Dane to the vet and said to him:
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" said the man.
"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.
A man walking down the street sees another man with a very big dog.
One man says to the other: “Does your dog bit?”
The man replies, “No, my dog doesn’t bite.
The man pats the dog and gets bitten.
“I thought you said the dog didn’t bite,” said the injured man.
“That’s not my dog”, replied the other.
Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.
Playing Chess A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Rottweiler A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
A dog owner takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet examines the dog and pronounces it terminally ill. The pet owner requests a second opinion. So the vet brings his own kitten in, and the kitten examines the sick dog and shakes his head. The pet owner requests another opinion. This time the vet brings in a labrador retriever, who jumps ip on the examining table with the sick dog, sniffs and licks it, and then also shakes his head. The pet owner now convinced, asks how much he owes the doctor. The doctor says he owes $650. The pet owner, surprised, asks why the bill is so high. The doctor replies that the exam was only $50; the additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test.
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him:
"My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well", Said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well", says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?", said the man.
"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.
Duck
Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?
A: They quack up!
[Health] A Duck just finished an exquisite meal at a very nice and healthy restaurant. The duck asked the waiter for his check. The waiter replied, “how would you like to pay for that. The duck answered, “Oh, just put it on my bill.”
[Animals] Two ducks were sitting in a pond, one of the ducks said: “Quack.” The other duck said: “I was going to say that!”
This duck walks into a drugstore and he says, "Gimme some Chapstick and put it on my bill."
A Duck walks into a post office and asks the postman: “Do you have any corn?” The postman answers politely: “No, we don’t have any corn here.”
The next day the duck enters the store again and asks: Do you have any corn?” A bit annoyed the postman answers: “No! We don’t have any corn.”
This goes on for a couple of days. Finally one day when the duck asks: “Do you have any corn?” the postman gets so upset he yells: “NO! For the last time, we don’t have any corn, and if you ask again, I’ll nail your beak to the counter!”
The next day the duck returns to the store and asks: “Do you have any nails?”
The postman ansers: “No.”
Then the duck asks: “Do you have any corn?”
[Spirtuality] Religious Cowboy - Religion
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its beak. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book off the duck's beak, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the duck. "Your name is written inside the cover."
[Recreation] A man in a movie theater notices what looks like an duck sitting next to him. "Are you a duck?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The duck replied, "Well, I liked the book."
Why do baby ducks walk softly?
Cause they can’t walk hardly.
When does a duck go "moo"?
When it is learning a new language.
Elephant
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino? Elephino. (HEll if I know)
How do you get down from an Elephant?
You don't get down from an Elephant, you get down from a goose.
This one is for my Uncle Jack... It's funny to me because I have an Uncle Jack..LOL
If uncle jack helped you off an elephant would you help uncle jack off an elephant
Fish and Sea creatures
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can tuna fish.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can't tuna fish.
There was a sale at the fish market today. I went to see what was the catch.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!!
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
How do you catch a fish without a fishing pole?
With your BEAR hands.
How do you make an Octupus laugh?
With ten-tickles
If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What happens when you drink like a fish?
You piss like a fire hose.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
Pick a cod, any cod!
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Ice Fishing A newfie went ice fishing. Heard a voice." There's no fish there" Gets up, goes a few feet further. Digs a hole and starts fishing again. Again, he hears the voice. "There's no fish there" Newfie looks up, is that you Lord No, said the voice. "Its the Manager of the Arena."
Foxes
Q: Did you hear about the beautful lady that met Medusa?
A: She's now a stone cold fox.
Fox Pick Up Lines
Can I borrow your cellphone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Foxasaurus. If I was a fox, I'd jump in your hole!
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldnt be out in the open!
Frogs
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them
What do you call a talking frog?
A quantum leap.
You know that cats have nine lives. But frogs, they croak every night.
A cat told a frog "time flies when you are having fun" The frog corrected her "Actually it's time is fun when you're having flies!"
Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad.
What do you say to a hitchhiking frog?
Hop in!
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied!
Giraffe
Q: What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?
A: One has hydrolics and the other has high bollocks
Q: What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A: A longshot.
I suppose when you've seen one lion catch a giraffe, you've seen a maul.
Goat
A goat was eating a reel of film and someone asked him how it was. The goat replied, ”The book was better.”
What do you call a redneck who owns 6 goats?
A pimp.
Hippopotamus
A hippopotamus went to the psychiatrist office for a visit. A week later his wife was shocked to have received a bill for $700. The hippo explained, “$100 was for the visit and $600 for the couch I broke.
Q: What do you call a long haired hippo?
A: A hippy
Horse
The pony went to the doctor and said "I have a sore throat."
The doctor said "It's okay your just a little horse."
There was a telephone call for a Shetlyn pony and he replied, “I can’t take it right now, I’m a little horse.
Why couldn't the pony talk?
He was a little horse.
A horse walks up to the bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender sets the drink in front of him and tells the horse, "it's o.k. buddy, you can talk to me. Why the long face?"
Q: What do you ask a sad horse?
A: "Why the long face?"
Q: What did the horse say when it fell?
A: "I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"
Q: Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude?
A: She always said Neigh
Where do most Mormon horses live?
A: Salt Lick City!
Q: What do you call a couple promiscious pony? A: Two Little Whorse
Q: What do you call a donkey with a PHD?
A: A smart ass.
Q: When do vampires like horse racing?
A: When it's neck and neck.
Why are most horses in shape?
Because they are on a stable diet.
Q: Why was the horse naked?
A: Because the jockey fell off.
Q: What kind of horse likes to be ridden at night?
A: A nightmare!
(It like this joke because it has 2 punchlines - one is for women in long marriages).
Kangaroo
Why do mother kangaroos dread bad weather?
Because the children have to play inside.
Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A: A pouch potato!
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
Leopard
Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he is always spotted.
Lion
Q: What's the difference between a tiger and a lion ?
A: A tiger has the mane part missing
Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field ?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'
Q: Why are lions religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Q: What does a lion do on a canoe?
A: Use his Roar
Q: What do you call a lion with chicken pox?
A: A dotted lion.
Q. Why did the lion loose at poker?
A. Because he was playing with a cheetah
Monkey
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A BABOOM!!!!!!
Q: What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
A: It won't be long now.
Two monkeys are having a bath. One monkey says "ooh ooh ooh ooh AAAH AAAH AAAH!"
The other says "Put some cold in, then"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
What do you call a Monkey that can pick up an elephant?
Sir
Q: What does a logger say before he cuts down a tree?
A: Let the chimps fall where they may.
Mouse
Q: What does the mouse say to its mate?
A: "Were like crackers and cheese"
Parrot
A man walks into a pet store and asks the clerk, “I would like a parrot for my little girl.” The clerk replies, “Sorry pal, we don’t do swaps here.”
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella?
Polly-unsaturated…
Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says to the other: “Can you smell fish?”
V1
An young lady inherited a very beautiful parrot when her Aunt died. The girl was surprised to find out that her Aunt had been a very successful Madam and was well known for her sexual appetite. When she got the bird home she soon learned that the bird had quite a vocabulary and that she ended each string of words with the phrase, "I'm a whore." Well the girl was engaged to the son of a preacher and knew that she couldn't keep the bird around once she got married so she discussed the situation with her soon to be husband, after giving the situation some thought he brought the problem to his father. The preacher informed the son that he had a couple of little old ladies in his congregation who also had parrots and that these particular birds spent all of their time in prayer. He called the old ladies and explained the situation. The old ladies invited him to bring the bird to them and felt sure that the naughty bird would benefit from the exposure to the Holy birds. Soon the birds were brought together and as the naughty bird was introduced into the cage with the Holy parrots she exclaimed, "I'm a whore." Upon hearing this the one Holy bird says to the other, "Drop your (prayer) beads Sammy, our prayers have been answered!"
V2
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Bob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive and those words that weren’t expletives were rude.
Bob tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and it got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally in a moment of desperation, bob put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly there was absolute quiet. Bob was frightened that he might have accidentally hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The bird calmly stepped out onto Bob’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.”
Bob was amazed at the changes in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”
V2 - This man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts cursing him and using terrible language and insulting his wife, so finally the man picks up the parrot and throws him in the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the parrot squawking and screaming in there for a while, and then all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. So the man opens the freezer door, and the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you, I forgive you."
And the parrot says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
V3 - Foul Mouthed Parrot This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer. Even from in there, he hears him cussing him out. Then the parrot falls silent. The guy thinks Ohh shit I killed him. He opens the freezer. The parrot hops out saying, " Very sorry for how I spoke to you, sir. I just have one question... What did the chicken do?"
Peacock
There was a documentary on PBS about the mating rituals of peacocks. What a beautiful tail.
Penguin
Whats a penguins favorite relative? A: Aunt Arctica!
Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost!
Q: What do Penguins like to eat?
A: Brrrrrrrritos
Q:What's grey?
A: A melted penguin
What do you get when you cross a penguin with a centipede?
Cold feet.
Pig
Q: Who is the smartest pig in the world?
A: Ein- swine
Q: What do you call a pig thats wrong?
A: Mistaken bacon.
What do you call a pig with three i's
A Piiig
Q: What do you call a pig with no legs? A: A groundhog.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
In the winter a man says to his wife: "Should we get the pig inside, it is freezing out there." "But it stinks", says the wife to which the husband replies: "He will get used to it!"
A piglet got sunburnt, he said "I'm bacon"! "You'll need oinkment on that" said his dad, who was an old boar.
Porcupine
What did the baby porcupine say when it backed up into a cactus?
A: Is that you mom?
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A: a porky-pine
Rabbit/Bunny
Do you know how you catch a rabbit?
A: Hide behind a bush and make noise like a lettuce.
Q: Why did the bunnies go on strike?
A: They wanted a raise in celery!
Q: What did the carrot say to the rabbit? A: Do you want to grab a bite?
Sheep
Where do sheep get their haircut?
A: At a Ba-Ba Shop
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: "Fleece Navidad!"
Skunk
Q: Have you heard the skunk joke?
A: You don't want to; it really stinks!
Did you hear about the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a fart.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a parrot?
A: Something that talks your head off.
Q: How much money does a skunk have?
A: One scent!
Q: What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?
A: Odor in the court!
Q: What did the religious skunk say?
A: "Let us spray!"
A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
Snail
What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
Weeeeeeeeeee!
One day a guy answers his door and finds a snail at his doorstep. The guy picks it up and tosses it into the garden.
Two years later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and finds the same snail. And the snail says, "Hey, what was that all about?"
Snake
After the flood all of the animals left the ark and as they left Noah said unto them, “Go forth and multiply.” But when a pair of snakes heard this they said to Noah, “We can’t do that sir - we’re Adders.”
A snake asked one of his friends, “Hey are we poisonous?” His friend laughed and said, “Why do you ask.” The snake replied, “Because I just bit my tongue!”
V2 - The baby snake says to the mommy snake, "Mommy, are we poisonous?"
The mommy snake says, "Why do you ask?"
And the baby snake says, "Because I just bit my tongue."
Q: Why did the snake's wife file for divorce?
A: Ereptile Disfunction.
Squirrels
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
A: To keep their nuts dry.
Tiger
What was Tiger looking for in the toilet?
answer:Pooh
What 4 animals does a woman need in her life?
A: A mink on her back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in her bed and a jackass to pay for it all.
Turtle
While sliding along through the forest one day, a snail was overturned by a gang of turtles. He lay under a bush, dazed, until another snail happened by and helped him up. “What happened?” asked the rescuer.
“I don’t know!” replied the snail, “It all happened so fast!”
How do you wake up a turtle?
With a slow poke.
How do you give a turtle a flu shot
With a slow poke.
Weasel
At the parade, the colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jone’s platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well, sir, says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”
Whale
Whats the difference between your mom and a blue whale? Ten pounds.
Do you like whales? Cause we can go hump back at my place.
What do you call a baby whale? A little squirt!
Worm
These two worms met in a cemetary. They wanted to discuss something in dead Earnest.
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? - Finding half a worm in your apple.
Zebra
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.
In Florida they use alligators to make handbags.
Isn’t it amazing what they can get animals to do?
Bat
Q: What did the bat say to the diabetic?
A: Nice knawing you!
Bears/Panda/Koala
So a Panda Bear just finished a dinner at a restaurant and the waiter gave him the check. The Panda reaches for his pocket, pulls out a gun and fires at the waiter. As the Panda is walking out the owner says, Why did you do that?! Pandas are supposed to be gentle creatures. The bear told him to look out Panda in the dictionary. The dictionary read, “PANDA: A rare, bearlike mammal (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) of the mountains of China and Tibet (Xizang), having woolly fur with distinctive black and white markings. EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.
V1
Two hikers were walking through the woods when they noticed a bear charging towards them in the distance. The first hiker removed his trail boots and began to lace up his running shoes. The second hiker laughed and said: “Why bother changing out the boots, you can’t outrun the bear.” The first hiker replied: "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you."
V2
The Woods Two guys are walking thru the woods when they see a charging Grizzly Bear. First guy says "Run for it!" Second guy says, "You can't outrun a Grizzly!" First guy says "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU."
Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!
How do you catch a polar bear?
A: You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all around the edge. When the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea, you kick it in the hole.
Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet? A: It lives on ice!
A baby polar bear goes to its mother and asks:
“Mummy, am I a polar bear?” “Why, yes!” She replies
“So I am not a grizzley bear, then.”
“No darling.”
The baby goes to its father and says: “Daddy, am I really a polar bear? Might I be a koala bear, or a black bear instead?”
Daddy bear says: “No! You’re a polar bear, just like your mother and father. Why are you asking these questions?”
The baby bear replies: “Because I’m bloody freezing!” (Or Because I'm F--king freezing for dirtier version).
Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
A: It lives on ice!
Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a baby bear in the front seat. "What are you doing with that bear?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the bear again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that bear to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
Q: How do you catch a fish without a fishing pole?
A: With your BEAR hands.
Q: Why don't bears like fast food?
A: Because they can't catch it!
Birds and the Bees
Bees
Q: Why do bees buzz?
A: Because they can't whistle!
Q: What do you call a wasp?
A: A wanna-bee!
Q: What kind of bee can't be understood?
A: A mumble bee!
Q: Why did the bees go on strike?
A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!
Birds
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?
A: Birds of prey!
Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they forgot the words!
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A: A bird that talks in morse code!
Q: Why do birds fly south?
A: Because it is to far to walk
Buffalo
V1
Q: What did the Father Buffalo say when his boy left for college?
A: Bi-son
V2
Q: What did mama buffalo say when her youngest went off to college?
A: "Bison!"
Butterfly/Moth/Silworm
Did you hear about the two silkworms who got in a race?
A: They both ended up in a tie.
Q: Why couldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: Because it was a moth ball!
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day? Turns over a new leaf!
Bugs
Q: What did one flea say to another?
A: "Should we walk or take the dog?"
Q: What did one girl firefly say to the other?
A (say it with swag): You glow girl!
Q: What was the spider doing on the computer?
A: Searching the web!
Cat
You know that cats have nine lives. But frogs, they croak every night.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.
Q: What is Tiger Woods now changing his name to?
A: "LION Cheetah!"
Q: What does the cheetah say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ?
A: 'Let us prey.'
Q: Why don't cheetahs like fast food?
A: Because they can't catch it!
Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the "spot."
Chameleon
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colour?
He had a reptile disfunction.
Chickens
(this joke is not vegan friendly)
Customer: Waiter, waiter! How do you prepare your chickens?
Waiter: Oh Nothing Special – we just tell them straight out that they are going to die.
Why did the chicken cross the road only 2/3 of the way?
A: He wanted to leave a good impression.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
A: He wanted to lay it on the line!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the referee calling fowls
Q: How do chickens bake a cake?
A: From scratch!
Cows
What comes out of a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled Milk.
Have you heard of the cow who attained Enlightenment?
It was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM !
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
Two cows are in a field. One turns to the other and says: “Daisy, I’m worried, I ‘m afraid we got mad cow disease.”
Daisy replies, “oh there is nothing to worry about, we’re giraffes!”
Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Did you hear that NASA lauched several cows into earth orbit?
It was the herd shot around the world.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
Dolly: I don't believe you
Daisy: It's true, I swear, no bull!
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before
Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A: An udder failure.
Q: What did mama cow say to baby cow?
A: It's pasture bedtime.
Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia
Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A: A MILK DUD!
Q: What happened to the lost cattle?
A: Nobody's herd.
Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He's got no beef.
Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?
A: Ice Cream
A farmer is milking his cow and as he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cow's ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer says, "Hmph. In one ear out the udder."
Deer
What did the male deer say to the female deer?
A: Let’s have some fawn.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye-deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still-no-eye-deer.
Dirty
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?
A: Still no f--ing eye-deer.
Q: Whats the cheapist kind of meat?
A: Deer balls there under a buck!
Dog
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are nine words here. You could send another woof for the same price.”
“But”, the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates?
A: Aware wolf.
Did you here about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
A: He would stay up all night wondering if there was a Dog.
How do you know a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark.
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
Why did the cowboy get a dachsund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy.
Q: When does a dog go "moo"?
A: When it is learning a new language!
My dog has no nose.
How does it smell?
Terrible.
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
A man took his Great Dane to the vet and said to him:
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" said the man.
"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.
A man walking down the street sees another man with a very big dog.
One man says to the other: “Does your dog bit?”
The man replies, “No, my dog doesn’t bite.
The man pats the dog and gets bitten.
“I thought you said the dog didn’t bite,” said the injured man.
“That’s not my dog”, replied the other.
Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.
Playing Chess A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Rottweiler A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
A dog owner takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet examines the dog and pronounces it terminally ill. The pet owner requests a second opinion. So the vet brings his own kitten in, and the kitten examines the sick dog and shakes his head. The pet owner requests another opinion. This time the vet brings in a labrador retriever, who jumps ip on the examining table with the sick dog, sniffs and licks it, and then also shakes his head. The pet owner now convinced, asks how much he owes the doctor. The doctor says he owes $650. The pet owner, surprised, asks why the bill is so high. The doctor replies that the exam was only $50; the additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test.
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him:
"My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well", Said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well", says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?", said the man.
"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.
Duck
Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?
A: They quack up!
[Health] A Duck just finished an exquisite meal at a very nice and healthy restaurant. The duck asked the waiter for his check. The waiter replied, “how would you like to pay for that. The duck answered, “Oh, just put it on my bill.”
[Animals] Two ducks were sitting in a pond, one of the ducks said: “Quack.” The other duck said: “I was going to say that!”
This duck walks into a drugstore and he says, "Gimme some Chapstick and put it on my bill."
A Duck walks into a post office and asks the postman: “Do you have any corn?” The postman answers politely: “No, we don’t have any corn here.”
The next day the duck enters the store again and asks: Do you have any corn?” A bit annoyed the postman answers: “No! We don’t have any corn.”
This goes on for a couple of days. Finally one day when the duck asks: “Do you have any corn?” the postman gets so upset he yells: “NO! For the last time, we don’t have any corn, and if you ask again, I’ll nail your beak to the counter!”
The next day the duck returns to the store and asks: “Do you have any nails?”
The postman ansers: “No.”
Then the duck asks: “Do you have any corn?”
[Spirtuality] Religious Cowboy - Religion
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its beak. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book off the duck's beak, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the duck. "Your name is written inside the cover."
[Recreation] A man in a movie theater notices what looks like an duck sitting next to him. "Are you a duck?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The duck replied, "Well, I liked the book."
Why do baby ducks walk softly?
Cause they can’t walk hardly.
When does a duck go "moo"?
When it is learning a new language.
Elephant
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino? Elephino. (HEll if I know)
How do you get down from an Elephant?
You don't get down from an Elephant, you get down from a goose.
This one is for my Uncle Jack... It's funny to me because I have an Uncle Jack..LOL
If uncle jack helped you off an elephant would you help uncle jack off an elephant
Fish and Sea creatures
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can tuna fish.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can't tuna fish.
There was a sale at the fish market today. I went to see what was the catch.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!!
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
How do you catch a fish without a fishing pole?
With your BEAR hands.
How do you make an Octupus laugh?
With ten-tickles
If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What happens when you drink like a fish?
You piss like a fire hose.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
Pick a cod, any cod!
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Ice Fishing A newfie went ice fishing. Heard a voice." There's no fish there" Gets up, goes a few feet further. Digs a hole and starts fishing again. Again, he hears the voice. "There's no fish there" Newfie looks up, is that you Lord No, said the voice. "Its the Manager of the Arena."
Foxes
Q: Did you hear about the beautful lady that met Medusa?
A: She's now a stone cold fox.
Fox Pick Up Lines
Can I borrow your cellphone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Foxasaurus. If I was a fox, I'd jump in your hole!
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldnt be out in the open!
Frogs
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them
What do you call a talking frog?
A quantum leap.
You know that cats have nine lives. But frogs, they croak every night.
A cat told a frog "time flies when you are having fun" The frog corrected her "Actually it's time is fun when you're having flies!"
Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad.
What do you say to a hitchhiking frog?
Hop in!
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied!
Giraffe
Q: What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?
A: One has hydrolics and the other has high bollocks
Q: What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A: A longshot.
I suppose when you've seen one lion catch a giraffe, you've seen a maul.
Goat
A goat was eating a reel of film and someone asked him how it was. The goat replied, ”The book was better.”
What do you call a redneck who owns 6 goats?
A pimp.
Hippopotamus
A hippopotamus went to the psychiatrist office for a visit. A week later his wife was shocked to have received a bill for $700. The hippo explained, “$100 was for the visit and $600 for the couch I broke.
Q: What do you call a long haired hippo?
A: A hippy
Horse
The pony went to the doctor and said "I have a sore throat."
The doctor said "It's okay your just a little horse."
There was a telephone call for a Shetlyn pony and he replied, “I can’t take it right now, I’m a little horse.
Why couldn't the pony talk?
He was a little horse.
A horse walks up to the bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender sets the drink in front of him and tells the horse, "it's o.k. buddy, you can talk to me. Why the long face?"
Q: What do you ask a sad horse?
A: "Why the long face?"
Q: What did the horse say when it fell?
A: "I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"
Q: Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude?
A: She always said Neigh
Where do most Mormon horses live?
A: Salt Lick City!
Q: What do you call a couple promiscious pony? A: Two Little Whorse
Q: What do you call a donkey with a PHD?
A: A smart ass.
Q: When do vampires like horse racing?
A: When it's neck and neck.
Why are most horses in shape?
Because they are on a stable diet.
Q: Why was the horse naked?
A: Because the jockey fell off.
Q: What kind of horse likes to be ridden at night?
A: A nightmare!
(It like this joke because it has 2 punchlines - one is for women in long marriages).
Kangaroo
Why do mother kangaroos dread bad weather?
Because the children have to play inside.
Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A: A pouch potato!
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
Leopard
Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he is always spotted.
Lion
Q: What's the difference between a tiger and a lion ?
A: A tiger has the mane part missing
Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field ?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'
Q: Why are lions religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Q: What does a lion do on a canoe?
A: Use his Roar
Q: What do you call a lion with chicken pox?
A: A dotted lion.
Q. Why did the lion loose at poker?
A. Because he was playing with a cheetah
Monkey
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A BABOOM!!!!!!
Q: What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
A: It won't be long now.
Two monkeys are having a bath. One monkey says "ooh ooh ooh ooh AAAH AAAH AAAH!"
The other says "Put some cold in, then"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
What do you call a Monkey that can pick up an elephant?
Sir
Q: What does a logger say before he cuts down a tree?
A: Let the chimps fall where they may.
Mouse
Q: What does the mouse say to its mate?
A: "Were like crackers and cheese"
Parrot
A man walks into a pet store and asks the clerk, “I would like a parrot for my little girl.” The clerk replies, “Sorry pal, we don’t do swaps here.”
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella?
Polly-unsaturated…
Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says to the other: “Can you smell fish?”
V1
An young lady inherited a very beautiful parrot when her Aunt died. The girl was surprised to find out that her Aunt had been a very successful Madam and was well known for her sexual appetite. When she got the bird home she soon learned that the bird had quite a vocabulary and that she ended each string of words with the phrase, "I'm a whore." Well the girl was engaged to the son of a preacher and knew that she couldn't keep the bird around once she got married so she discussed the situation with her soon to be husband, after giving the situation some thought he brought the problem to his father. The preacher informed the son that he had a couple of little old ladies in his congregation who also had parrots and that these particular birds spent all of their time in prayer. He called the old ladies and explained the situation. The old ladies invited him to bring the bird to them and felt sure that the naughty bird would benefit from the exposure to the Holy birds. Soon the birds were brought together and as the naughty bird was introduced into the cage with the Holy parrots she exclaimed, "I'm a whore." Upon hearing this the one Holy bird says to the other, "Drop your (prayer) beads Sammy, our prayers have been answered!"
V2
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Bob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive and those words that weren’t expletives were rude.
Bob tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and it got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally in a moment of desperation, bob put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly there was absolute quiet. Bob was frightened that he might have accidentally hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The bird calmly stepped out onto Bob’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.”
Bob was amazed at the changes in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”
V2 - This man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts cursing him and using terrible language and insulting his wife, so finally the man picks up the parrot and throws him in the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the parrot squawking and screaming in there for a while, and then all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. So the man opens the freezer door, and the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you, I forgive you."
And the parrot says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
V3 - Foul Mouthed Parrot This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer. Even from in there, he hears him cussing him out. Then the parrot falls silent. The guy thinks Ohh shit I killed him. He opens the freezer. The parrot hops out saying, " Very sorry for how I spoke to you, sir. I just have one question... What did the chicken do?"
Peacock
There was a documentary on PBS about the mating rituals of peacocks. What a beautiful tail.
Penguin
Whats a penguins favorite relative? A: Aunt Arctica!
Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost!
Q: What do Penguins like to eat?
A: Brrrrrrrritos
Q:What's grey?
A: A melted penguin
What do you get when you cross a penguin with a centipede?
Cold feet.
Pig
Q: Who is the smartest pig in the world?
A: Ein- swine
Q: What do you call a pig thats wrong?
A: Mistaken bacon.
What do you call a pig with three i's
A Piiig
Q: What do you call a pig with no legs? A: A groundhog.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
In the winter a man says to his wife: "Should we get the pig inside, it is freezing out there." "But it stinks", says the wife to which the husband replies: "He will get used to it!"
A piglet got sunburnt, he said "I'm bacon"! "You'll need oinkment on that" said his dad, who was an old boar.
Porcupine
What did the baby porcupine say when it backed up into a cactus?
A: Is that you mom?
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A: a porky-pine
Rabbit/Bunny
Do you know how you catch a rabbit?
A: Hide behind a bush and make noise like a lettuce.
Q: Why did the bunnies go on strike?
A: They wanted a raise in celery!
Q: What did the carrot say to the rabbit? A: Do you want to grab a bite?
Sheep
Where do sheep get their haircut?
A: At a Ba-Ba Shop
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: "Fleece Navidad!"
Skunk
Q: Have you heard the skunk joke?
A: You don't want to; it really stinks!
Did you hear about the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a fart.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a parrot?
A: Something that talks your head off.
Q: How much money does a skunk have?
A: One scent!
Q: What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?
A: Odor in the court!
Q: What did the religious skunk say?
A: "Let us spray!"
A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
Snail
What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
Weeeeeeeeeee!
One day a guy answers his door and finds a snail at his doorstep. The guy picks it up and tosses it into the garden.
Two years later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and finds the same snail. And the snail says, "Hey, what was that all about?"
Snake
After the flood all of the animals left the ark and as they left Noah said unto them, “Go forth and multiply.” But when a pair of snakes heard this they said to Noah, “We can’t do that sir - we’re Adders.”
A snake asked one of his friends, “Hey are we poisonous?” His friend laughed and said, “Why do you ask.” The snake replied, “Because I just bit my tongue!”
V2 - The baby snake says to the mommy snake, "Mommy, are we poisonous?"
The mommy snake says, "Why do you ask?"
And the baby snake says, "Because I just bit my tongue."
Q: Why did the snake's wife file for divorce?
A: Ereptile Disfunction.
Squirrels
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
A: To keep their nuts dry.
Tiger
What was Tiger looking for in the toilet?
answer:Pooh
What 4 animals does a woman need in her life?
A: A mink on her back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in her bed and a jackass to pay for it all.
Turtle
While sliding along through the forest one day, a snail was overturned by a gang of turtles. He lay under a bush, dazed, until another snail happened by and helped him up. “What happened?” asked the rescuer.
“I don’t know!” replied the snail, “It all happened so fast!”
How do you wake up a turtle?
With a slow poke.
How do you give a turtle a flu shot
With a slow poke.
Weasel
At the parade, the colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jone’s platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well, sir, says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”
Whale
Whats the difference between your mom and a blue whale? Ten pounds.
Do you like whales? Cause we can go hump back at my place.
What do you call a baby whale? A little squirt!
Worm
These two worms met in a cemetary. They wanted to discuss something in dead Earnest.
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? - Finding half a worm in your apple.
Zebra
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.