These are funny observations about the Engligh Language and Life in General.
They also serve as GREAT one-liner jokes.
Thanks Mainly to George Carlin and Stephen Wright for Many of These
They also serve as GREAT one-liner jokes.
Thanks Mainly to George Carlin and Stephen Wright for Many of These
Things that make you go hmmm... And other one liners
· Is there another word for Thesaurus?
· Why is abbreviation such a long word?
· If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
· Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"
· If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
· Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
· Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
· Why do they put Braille on drive through bank machines?
· Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
· How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
· What was the best thing before sliced bread?
· If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
· What if there were no hypothetical questions?
· Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
· Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
· If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
· Why are hemorrhoids not called “assteroids”?
· If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
· Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
· Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
· What happened to preparations A-G?
· If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?
· Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
· If Fed Ex and UPS merge would it be called Fed UP?
· Why is it that a man who invests your money is called a broker?
· If you put instant coffee in the microwave, would you go back in time?
· What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
· If it is zero degrees outside and the weatherman says it will be twice as cold tomorrow, what will the temperature be tomorrow?
· If your foot falls asleep during the day, will it be up all night?
· Shouldn’t fundamentalism be a religion where the fun comes before the mental?
· Why is it that there are no Walmarts in Iraq; is it because they are all becoming targets?
· Is the Clinton Presidency best summarized as “Sex between the Bushs' ”.
· If Buckwheat converted to Islam, would he be called Kareem of Wheat?
· What’s the speed of dark?
· Is Vuja De- A strange feeling you get knowing you’ll never remember doing this again
· Shouldn’t a near miss be called a near hit?
· Shouldn’t buildings be called builts?
· Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
· What do we say to God when he sneezes?
· Did Adam and Eve have belly-buttons?
· Who hears the Popes confession?
· Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
· If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors
· If you go out shopping for camoflage clothes, how do you find them?
· If you go into a bookstore and ask for the self help section, doesn't that kinda defeat the purpose?
· Why don't they make extra medium shirts?
Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don't have to heat hot water?
Before they invented golf balls, how did they measure hail?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for time, but when they ask where the bathroom is, they don't point to their pants.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?
Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Why do you drive down a parkway but park in a driveway?
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
Incontinence hotline.... Can you hold, please?
I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Why is everything delivered by a ship called cargo but if it's delivered by a car it's a shipment?
Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don't have to heat hot water?
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
Why is it that Noses run but feet smell?
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I went to buy camoflague clothing, but I couldn't find it.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish.
I was driving down the street and passed a gas station, there were 2 signs in the window help wanted and self service so I went in and hired.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny."
24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
· Why is abbreviation such a long word?
· If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
· Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"
· If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
· Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
· Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
· Why do they put Braille on drive through bank machines?
· Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
· How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
· What was the best thing before sliced bread?
· If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
· What if there were no hypothetical questions?
· Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
· Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
· If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
· Why are hemorrhoids not called “assteroids”?
· If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
· Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
· Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
· What happened to preparations A-G?
· If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?
· Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
· If Fed Ex and UPS merge would it be called Fed UP?
· Why is it that a man who invests your money is called a broker?
· If you put instant coffee in the microwave, would you go back in time?
· What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
· If it is zero degrees outside and the weatherman says it will be twice as cold tomorrow, what will the temperature be tomorrow?
· If your foot falls asleep during the day, will it be up all night?
· Shouldn’t fundamentalism be a religion where the fun comes before the mental?
· Why is it that there are no Walmarts in Iraq; is it because they are all becoming targets?
· Is the Clinton Presidency best summarized as “Sex between the Bushs' ”.
· If Buckwheat converted to Islam, would he be called Kareem of Wheat?
· What’s the speed of dark?
· Is Vuja De- A strange feeling you get knowing you’ll never remember doing this again
· Shouldn’t a near miss be called a near hit?
· Shouldn’t buildings be called builts?
· Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
· What do we say to God when he sneezes?
· Did Adam and Eve have belly-buttons?
· Who hears the Popes confession?
· Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
· If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors
· If you go out shopping for camoflage clothes, how do you find them?
· If you go into a bookstore and ask for the self help section, doesn't that kinda defeat the purpose?
· Why don't they make extra medium shirts?
Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don't have to heat hot water?
Before they invented golf balls, how did they measure hail?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for time, but when they ask where the bathroom is, they don't point to their pants.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?
Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Why do you drive down a parkway but park in a driveway?
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
Incontinence hotline.... Can you hold, please?
I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Why is everything delivered by a ship called cargo but if it's delivered by a car it's a shipment?
Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don't have to heat hot water?
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
Why is it that Noses run but feet smell?
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I went to buy camoflague clothing, but I couldn't find it.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish.
I was driving down the street and passed a gas station, there were 2 signs in the window help wanted and self service so I went in and hired.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny."
24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
