Welcome to My BmLOG (Humor Log)
My First Internet Business - The 3 Day Colon Cleanse
Introduce my story of getting into the cleanse:
What Ever Happened to Preparations A-G Article
What Ever Happened to Preparations A-G Article
I heard this voice in Meditation One Day...
There's the higher self that has a nice voice, than there's the Ire Self, that is sick of being the nice guy.
My Ire Self Shouting - Do Your Duty B.M...!!!
You need to start a worldwide Movement and begin here in the U.S. (Stagnation).
Well I knew all too well what unhealthy habits were...
Dad and his Once a week trip w/ the WHOLE Sunday Paper.
Dad and His Steely Dan - "Do Your Dirty Work".
Listening to Beetoven, Mozart or Bach is helpful, because they have really the best movements in history.
Irregular Hilarity---
Irony Deficiency
Laughter strengthens the muscles of the small intestine and colon....
Hitchhikers Guide to Your colon
There's the higher self that has a nice voice, than there's the Ire Self, that is sick of being the nice guy.
My Ire Self Shouting - Do Your Duty B.M...!!!
You need to start a worldwide Movement and begin here in the U.S. (Stagnation).
Well I knew all too well what unhealthy habits were...
Dad and his Once a week trip w/ the WHOLE Sunday Paper.
Dad and His Steely Dan - "Do Your Dirty Work".
Listening to Beetoven, Mozart or Bach is helpful, because they have really the best movements in history.
Irregular Hilarity---
Irony Deficiency
Laughter strengthens the muscles of the small intestine and colon....
Hitchhikers Guide to Your colon
Comedy Set --
I was adopted at two days old, needless to say I have a few mommy issues, woman issues. To compound matters I wasn't breastfed and was birthed via a c-section. Not only was I never breast fed, I never saw my mothers vagina coming out... We should all get a chance to breast feed and get a chance to come out a vagina head first and see, ok, I think this knowledge will come in handy one day.
Adopted at 2 days old and but it wasn't until I was 11 my parents pulled out a book, "Why was I adopted?" The book title could have been a little better in not revealing the BIG Twist in the Title. - funny title...
I could never understand when I was young why my parents always dressed my brother and me the same. After that sit down I got it. They wanted my brother to feel a part of the family. I mean being adopted, is easy on the Mother, she was able to work, (add more pregancy stuff).
Some years later, I went to find my real parents because I felt it was fair to shop around. I mean maybe my other pair of parents had more to offer - a trust fund, college fund. Or maybe they ended up adopting my future wife, which is genetically downs syndrome friendly.
They would truly be a confusing family tree & family reunions would get really interesting, because you could look across the room and say, I think I can have sex with her.
Unfortunately to spoil my plans the adoption agency said it was a closed adoption. Because it was a c section, it was really closed. Not only was I never breast fed, I never saw my mothers vagina coming out... We should all get a chance to breast feed and get a chance to come out a vagina. I think when we die, the tunnel of light is a bigger vagina...
Back to the closed adoption - There was one piece of paper, mostly blank.
It had my parents ages (18 and 16). My Parents Ethnicity Finnish and English. And then heriditary diseases. Ulcer and intestinal troubles... Thanks Mom.
Medical history --> Ulcers, malabsorption, Crohns and reflux. And I thought it was only a joke that diarrhea runs in the jeans.
Back to the family I was adopted into.
My brother is gay and came out of the closet... Myself, I finally came out of the bathroom and embraced my initials BM and my desire to start a worldwide movement.... And oddly it took me a lot longer than my brother. The reason is that I make a lot of money selling health products. So being sick is just bad for business. Fortunately for others, the stuff I sell seems to work for pretty much everyone but me.
So if you don't mind, I am going to keep the mike a little high.
And I have consulted many leading numerologists and astrologists (emphasis). Ever wonder why astrology begins with Ass? And this was in opposition to Mars, the fire god of war.
Not something you want urananus to be messing with.
irony is a funny thing... My numerology number is TWO , My initials are B.M. and Uranus is in my midheaven in my chart (considered the most powerful position, and unfortunately its square or opposed to everything. On top of that its in the house that rules your profession in life and the sign is Aries. I don't know if you know this but Aries sounds like air but its actually fire... And My Uranus is in THAT.
But it was in my cards, what can I do... I have the number 2 in spades, though sometimes it feels like clubs "on the river".
It's interesting IBS and IRS look almost indentical, but IBS is far more taxing and I fear the agents a lot more. I do periodic audits to see how things are going, and I definitely get some kind of tax break on corn and nuts. People call me corny and nuts and the proof is indeed in the pudding. I think you could call the IRS and Irritable Revenue Surrender...
Having digestive issues is no fun, I have a gallon of pepto bismol in the fridge, not milk. If you ever had Pepto Bismol, its not that bad tasting, just needs a little something. I found adding some sugar, nutmeg, cinnamin and rum, it makes it taste just like egg nog... almost.
Back in 1997 I went to Mexico and India in the same year... I think it was more than Montezumas revenge, ended up being Montezuma's Fury and Rage - Death curse..
Well things got so bad at one point I was down to 115 pounds and literally couldn't even move.
(which is a problem if you
I almost got a degree in scatology just so my humor would be taken seriously. If you have to have any medical condition for standup, this is one were a lot of jokes come sitting down.
When you spend so much time on the toilet you invest in the best... Padded seats, sirius HD radio, TV, upward water, silk TP.
If there is anyone out there that has digestive issues, I would highly advise against going to either place...
There is a couple things I have figured out (besides not going to India and Mexico)
1. spicy, mexican food - pretty much anything Mexican
2. Mexican tap water is the cure for health. (healthy digestion). That same year I discovered another health epiphany - Raw fruits and salads in India is ALSO a cure for good digestion in case you live in that part of the world.
I think mexican people have a totally different digestion than we (blue eye Aryans do)...
I have a theory that bland healthy American food and tap water gives Mexican painful diarrhea.
3. brown underwear lasts longer --> or as I call them tighty brownies
4.Time passing gas with load noise - sometimes I use an exaggerated cough - It like a good joke, timing is everything.
5. Always carry two pockets of tissue, and travel with a few rolls of paper towels.
6. You can never pack too many pairs of underwear. I usually have a suitcase dedicated to it.
7. I purchase stock in Hanes...
8. When in doubt, just say its Melted Chocolate. To make that work, eat chocolate a lot.
9. Adult diapers if worn properly can make you look good in the right places. Its a special folding technique I learned.
salt water - it assaulted my colon. Went from IBS to FISB is you know what I mean.
Spicy mexican food is my favorite... what a cruel craving... I finally figured out why it seems so good... It's not that it is the best tasting its the contrast between eating it and the aftermath that follows. We can car that Delta X, where the X is a Family Feud X
Needless to say having these issues has made me a bit of a loner for obvious reasons.
If you don't like bowel humor, I offer you my sincere scatology.
Some people say scatological (aka poop) humor is not funny, but I say BUTT it is FUNNy. Especially Fat butts.
Stay at home man-
I am a real weirdo that people fear for no reason, because I am just THAT strange
Combine a fear of germs in public restrooms, with IBS and you get a single male... Or a stay at home man, as I like to call it.
One pot that does it all... Like lord of the pots, it controls everything I eat. Its a nostick so even works with eggs and things you're not supposed to use it with. Lid has a built in strainer for spaghetti - just have to hold it just right so opening is smaller than the noodles.
I do have a full set off pots vaccuum sealed in the attic with all my nice looking but uncomfortable close. By the way Spacebag does really work fantastic for pots as well as clothes.
Being alone , I play with myself A LOT... I play basketball, golf, baseball, tennis, putt putt , football, (kicking field goals, soccer.).
My neighbors think I am a weirdo, but I just let my dogs outside and call there name every couple minutes and it seems a little more normal.
Its actually a lot of fun... And its not that weird, at least I use real balls unlike fantasy.
Oh, and I masturbate a lot too, which is even more fun than playing with myself.
I never talk to my neighbors because I know we would right away get in a fight about the confederate flag...(and just to be clear, I'm a ridiculously obvious out of place Yankee, like an african american graduate of harvard that moved to rural missippi - and that joke pretty much works up til like, today). Thank god its not 1860 in my neighborhood, because there would just be flat out open fire in my direction.
I love the view of my house, so I just walk around circles in my yard.
I am an extemist...
There are pluses and minuses, you can have 100% freedom and well, you have 100% freedom.
Fortunately I have correct bowl grammar... That is I have a colon, but not a semicolon.
And also I don't have to poop in a bag, unless its a really long trip and there are no bathrooms...
When I buy my cars, all they have to say we'll spotproof your interior for.... I'll take it.
I have the luxury to trade in my car when it just gets so bad, even detailing fails.
My last X5, had a broken windshield , not replaced properly (thanks safelite)... An exgirl literally throwing a cherry slurrpee all over me and interior. It was so late I go home took a shower went to bed and cherry slurpee was all I could think about in the morning. My car was never the same after that.
It's like Kobe Bryant's knee, it just never drove the same and lost its appeal. Jack Nicholson wouldn't even sit inside.
POF = POW - Plenty of Whales... SA site so much better.If nothing else it was fantasy football with Pro teams vs High School fantasty football.
Sex is like reverse Pleastville, but the red rose is actually fireworks and after than its all black and white.
I was adopted at two days old, needless to say I have a few mommy issues, woman issues. To compound matters I wasn't breastfed and was birthed via a c-section. Not only was I never breast fed, I never saw my mothers vagina coming out... We should all get a chance to breast feed and get a chance to come out a vagina head first and see, ok, I think this knowledge will come in handy one day.
Adopted at 2 days old and but it wasn't until I was 11 my parents pulled out a book, "Why was I adopted?" The book title could have been a little better in not revealing the BIG Twist in the Title. - funny title...
I could never understand when I was young why my parents always dressed my brother and me the same. After that sit down I got it. They wanted my brother to feel a part of the family. I mean being adopted, is easy on the Mother, she was able to work, (add more pregancy stuff).
Some years later, I went to find my real parents because I felt it was fair to shop around. I mean maybe my other pair of parents had more to offer - a trust fund, college fund. Or maybe they ended up adopting my future wife, which is genetically downs syndrome friendly.
They would truly be a confusing family tree & family reunions would get really interesting, because you could look across the room and say, I think I can have sex with her.
Unfortunately to spoil my plans the adoption agency said it was a closed adoption. Because it was a c section, it was really closed. Not only was I never breast fed, I never saw my mothers vagina coming out... We should all get a chance to breast feed and get a chance to come out a vagina. I think when we die, the tunnel of light is a bigger vagina...
Back to the closed adoption - There was one piece of paper, mostly blank.
It had my parents ages (18 and 16). My Parents Ethnicity Finnish and English. And then heriditary diseases. Ulcer and intestinal troubles... Thanks Mom.
Medical history --> Ulcers, malabsorption, Crohns and reflux. And I thought it was only a joke that diarrhea runs in the jeans.
Back to the family I was adopted into.
My brother is gay and came out of the closet... Myself, I finally came out of the bathroom and embraced my initials BM and my desire to start a worldwide movement.... And oddly it took me a lot longer than my brother. The reason is that I make a lot of money selling health products. So being sick is just bad for business. Fortunately for others, the stuff I sell seems to work for pretty much everyone but me.
So if you don't mind, I am going to keep the mike a little high.
And I have consulted many leading numerologists and astrologists (emphasis). Ever wonder why astrology begins with Ass? And this was in opposition to Mars, the fire god of war.
Not something you want urananus to be messing with.
irony is a funny thing... My numerology number is TWO , My initials are B.M. and Uranus is in my midheaven in my chart (considered the most powerful position, and unfortunately its square or opposed to everything. On top of that its in the house that rules your profession in life and the sign is Aries. I don't know if you know this but Aries sounds like air but its actually fire... And My Uranus is in THAT.
But it was in my cards, what can I do... I have the number 2 in spades, though sometimes it feels like clubs "on the river".
It's interesting IBS and IRS look almost indentical, but IBS is far more taxing and I fear the agents a lot more. I do periodic audits to see how things are going, and I definitely get some kind of tax break on corn and nuts. People call me corny and nuts and the proof is indeed in the pudding. I think you could call the IRS and Irritable Revenue Surrender...
Having digestive issues is no fun, I have a gallon of pepto bismol in the fridge, not milk. If you ever had Pepto Bismol, its not that bad tasting, just needs a little something. I found adding some sugar, nutmeg, cinnamin and rum, it makes it taste just like egg nog... almost.
Back in 1997 I went to Mexico and India in the same year... I think it was more than Montezumas revenge, ended up being Montezuma's Fury and Rage - Death curse..
Well things got so bad at one point I was down to 115 pounds and literally couldn't even move.
(which is a problem if you
I almost got a degree in scatology just so my humor would be taken seriously. If you have to have any medical condition for standup, this is one were a lot of jokes come sitting down.
When you spend so much time on the toilet you invest in the best... Padded seats, sirius HD radio, TV, upward water, silk TP.
If there is anyone out there that has digestive issues, I would highly advise against going to either place...
There is a couple things I have figured out (besides not going to India and Mexico)
1. spicy, mexican food - pretty much anything Mexican
2. Mexican tap water is the cure for health. (healthy digestion). That same year I discovered another health epiphany - Raw fruits and salads in India is ALSO a cure for good digestion in case you live in that part of the world.
I think mexican people have a totally different digestion than we (blue eye Aryans do)...
I have a theory that bland healthy American food and tap water gives Mexican painful diarrhea.
3. brown underwear lasts longer --> or as I call them tighty brownies
4.Time passing gas with load noise - sometimes I use an exaggerated cough - It like a good joke, timing is everything.
5. Always carry two pockets of tissue, and travel with a few rolls of paper towels.
6. You can never pack too many pairs of underwear. I usually have a suitcase dedicated to it.
7. I purchase stock in Hanes...
8. When in doubt, just say its Melted Chocolate. To make that work, eat chocolate a lot.
9. Adult diapers if worn properly can make you look good in the right places. Its a special folding technique I learned.
salt water - it assaulted my colon. Went from IBS to FISB is you know what I mean.
Spicy mexican food is my favorite... what a cruel craving... I finally figured out why it seems so good... It's not that it is the best tasting its the contrast between eating it and the aftermath that follows. We can car that Delta X, where the X is a Family Feud X
Needless to say having these issues has made me a bit of a loner for obvious reasons.
If you don't like bowel humor, I offer you my sincere scatology.
Some people say scatological (aka poop) humor is not funny, but I say BUTT it is FUNNy. Especially Fat butts.
Stay at home man-
I am a real weirdo that people fear for no reason, because I am just THAT strange
Combine a fear of germs in public restrooms, with IBS and you get a single male... Or a stay at home man, as I like to call it.
One pot that does it all... Like lord of the pots, it controls everything I eat. Its a nostick so even works with eggs and things you're not supposed to use it with. Lid has a built in strainer for spaghetti - just have to hold it just right so opening is smaller than the noodles.
I do have a full set off pots vaccuum sealed in the attic with all my nice looking but uncomfortable close. By the way Spacebag does really work fantastic for pots as well as clothes.
Being alone , I play with myself A LOT... I play basketball, golf, baseball, tennis, putt putt , football, (kicking field goals, soccer.).
My neighbors think I am a weirdo, but I just let my dogs outside and call there name every couple minutes and it seems a little more normal.
Its actually a lot of fun... And its not that weird, at least I use real balls unlike fantasy.
Oh, and I masturbate a lot too, which is even more fun than playing with myself.
I never talk to my neighbors because I know we would right away get in a fight about the confederate flag...(and just to be clear, I'm a ridiculously obvious out of place Yankee, like an african american graduate of harvard that moved to rural missippi - and that joke pretty much works up til like, today). Thank god its not 1860 in my neighborhood, because there would just be flat out open fire in my direction.
I love the view of my house, so I just walk around circles in my yard.
I am an extemist...
There are pluses and minuses, you can have 100% freedom and well, you have 100% freedom.
Fortunately I have correct bowl grammar... That is I have a colon, but not a semicolon.
And also I don't have to poop in a bag, unless its a really long trip and there are no bathrooms...
When I buy my cars, all they have to say we'll spotproof your interior for.... I'll take it.
I have the luxury to trade in my car when it just gets so bad, even detailing fails.
My last X5, had a broken windshield , not replaced properly (thanks safelite)... An exgirl literally throwing a cherry slurrpee all over me and interior. It was so late I go home took a shower went to bed and cherry slurpee was all I could think about in the morning. My car was never the same after that.
It's like Kobe Bryant's knee, it just never drove the same and lost its appeal. Jack Nicholson wouldn't even sit inside.
POF = POW - Plenty of Whales... SA site so much better.If nothing else it was fantasy football with Pro teams vs High School fantasty football.
Sex is like reverse Pleastville, but the red rose is actually fireworks and after than its all black and white.
The Physics of Force
Teaching physics for 5 years and having irritable bowels, believe it or not gave me perspectives on the Universe.
I kinda get the big bang... Though for me its more of a big Dang...
Black holes make sense from an experiential point of view.
Thermodyanamics is all about how heat can create force... I get that.
Entropy, given enough time everything turns to shit... so true.
Warm air is more bouyant that cool air ... that one people around me get.
I can take apart a toilet and put it back together in 2 minutes flat.
What happens when enzymes don't work ... Oh boy, I understand that problem.
Flushing New York - probably a good idea.
I kinda get the big bang... Though for me its more of a big Dang...
Black holes make sense from an experiential point of view.
Thermodyanamics is all about how heat can create force... I get that.
Entropy, given enough time everything turns to shit... so true.
Warm air is more bouyant that cool air ... that one people around me get.
I can take apart a toilet and put it back together in 2 minutes flat.
What happens when enzymes don't work ... Oh boy, I understand that problem.
Flushing New York - probably a good idea.
The Weirdest Resume Ever
Worked for the Defense Department - Computer programming - really bugged me
Quite to Work for NewSkin... Lost 3 grand, but had wonderful skin for a 21 year old.
EPA - Dredging offshore
Then Olive Garden
GNC
Assistant to a Radionics Practitioner - turned out being crazy. Actually lived with her and her psycho assistant. Got really sick with IBS.
So where is the best place to work if you're sick?
A Health Food Store - Funny how a lot of sick people work at health food stores.
Renounced the World.
Full Time Monk/Yogi 4 year - 6 months in India - went there for enlightenment, came back with a tape worm.
Living at Song of the Morning for 4 years AS guest serices manager and resident yoga instructor, I made a lot of spirtual friends, and to this day, I have thousands of friends "in spirit" - aka Facebook friends that occasionally like a post I submit. That is the extant of our friendship and I appreciate each like. Its sorta like a vote that you exist to them and they know who you are or remember you.
Took care of a 93 year old lady
Went to IUP for Masters...Little bit of trivia... It just missed the cut to be Ivy league. That is schools least likely to become Ivy league.
Finished Masters in Physics w/ Thesis on Using Humor**
I am still scratching my head how 5 advisors agreed to my topic... Humor and Laughter in physics, yeah, no Roberts Rule of order on that one, I think we can all agree that's a winner.
Definitely original, but so would doing an experient on the buoyancy of penis pumps.
Taught Math Physics 5 years with Humor (altered a few student surveys).
(Irony - humor research is really not funny at all).
Part Time Elementary Teaching
TV show Health/Wrote Healing Garden/Nutritional Consultations
50 MLM companies all but 2 failed
3 day Colon Cleanse - This was my big breakthrough.. My BM destiny fullfilled.
Whole Body Vibrator - Next breakthrough, allowed me to move to Florida
MRS 2000 PEMF
Best Selling Author
Joke Book and Humorist
I have like for or five versions of this resume I use for different jobs... waiting, health, physics/math, internet marketing, -- humor I leave off all of them.
I tried to humorize my resume once, and never heard back... Such a shame it was really funny and that was my only copy. I did call and ask for it back... Maybe I shouldn't have left my number as 867-5309... Her name was Jenny but I forgot the lyrics to the song, that was actually her number not mine - totally my bad.
A lot of people get into comedy to be a star and make money, to me it seemed like a way to get myself out of trouble by making less...
***Finished Masters in Physics w/ Thesis on Using Humor
I am still scratching my head how 5 advisors agreed to my topic... Humor and Laughter in physics, yeah, no Roberts Rule of order on that one, I think we can all agree that's a winner.
Definitely original, but so would doing an experient on the buoyancy of penis pumps.
Its really tough to get in... if you have no money. They mail you an application and rubber stamp that says accepted if you can make this payment. When I saw the bill, I called the Deans office of Math and Science, and said: This is how much I have... They said , we normally don't do this but we'll accept. The stamp we sent has adustments for the total.
You know how some people want to get into a really really good school? What they don't realize its A LOT more work... My goal was to find the easiest legimate school to get a Masters in physics.
Quite to Work for NewSkin... Lost 3 grand, but had wonderful skin for a 21 year old.
EPA - Dredging offshore
Then Olive Garden
GNC
Assistant to a Radionics Practitioner - turned out being crazy. Actually lived with her and her psycho assistant. Got really sick with IBS.
So where is the best place to work if you're sick?
A Health Food Store - Funny how a lot of sick people work at health food stores.
Renounced the World.
Full Time Monk/Yogi 4 year - 6 months in India - went there for enlightenment, came back with a tape worm.
Living at Song of the Morning for 4 years AS guest serices manager and resident yoga instructor, I made a lot of spirtual friends, and to this day, I have thousands of friends "in spirit" - aka Facebook friends that occasionally like a post I submit. That is the extant of our friendship and I appreciate each like. Its sorta like a vote that you exist to them and they know who you are or remember you.
Took care of a 93 year old lady
Went to IUP for Masters...Little bit of trivia... It just missed the cut to be Ivy league. That is schools least likely to become Ivy league.
Finished Masters in Physics w/ Thesis on Using Humor**
I am still scratching my head how 5 advisors agreed to my topic... Humor and Laughter in physics, yeah, no Roberts Rule of order on that one, I think we can all agree that's a winner.
Definitely original, but so would doing an experient on the buoyancy of penis pumps.
Taught Math Physics 5 years with Humor (altered a few student surveys).
(Irony - humor research is really not funny at all).
Part Time Elementary Teaching
TV show Health/Wrote Healing Garden/Nutritional Consultations
50 MLM companies all but 2 failed
3 day Colon Cleanse - This was my big breakthrough.. My BM destiny fullfilled.
Whole Body Vibrator - Next breakthrough, allowed me to move to Florida
MRS 2000 PEMF
Best Selling Author
Joke Book and Humorist
I have like for or five versions of this resume I use for different jobs... waiting, health, physics/math, internet marketing, -- humor I leave off all of them.
I tried to humorize my resume once, and never heard back... Such a shame it was really funny and that was my only copy. I did call and ask for it back... Maybe I shouldn't have left my number as 867-5309... Her name was Jenny but I forgot the lyrics to the song, that was actually her number not mine - totally my bad.
A lot of people get into comedy to be a star and make money, to me it seemed like a way to get myself out of trouble by making less...
***Finished Masters in Physics w/ Thesis on Using Humor
I am still scratching my head how 5 advisors agreed to my topic... Humor and Laughter in physics, yeah, no Roberts Rule of order on that one, I think we can all agree that's a winner.
Definitely original, but so would doing an experient on the buoyancy of penis pumps.
Its really tough to get in... if you have no money. They mail you an application and rubber stamp that says accepted if you can make this payment. When I saw the bill, I called the Deans office of Math and Science, and said: This is how much I have... They said , we normally don't do this but we'll accept. The stamp we sent has adustments for the total.
You know how some people want to get into a really really good school? What they don't realize its A LOT more work... My goal was to find the easiest legimate school to get a Masters in physics.
Humorous Sales Letter
Humorous "poopon" codes - for discounts...lol..
numerodos
crapnirvana
epicdump
muddyfirehose
chocolatedumplings
buttvolcano
downwarddog
mutant-ninja-terdles
crapnirvana
epicdump
muddyfirehose
chocolatedumplings
buttvolcano
downwarddog
mutant-ninja-terdles
Rear Ends are Back Up.
Lady that bought 13 pounds of fiber.
lot of people to become "a regular kind of guy (or gal).” Without further ado-do… Here it is (and eight more examples to follow).
FUN Fact - Did you know that the average American has three to four bowel movements a week? Ooh, how delightful, you say! Fun fact! Did you also know that America leads the world in colon/rectal cancer and this cancer is the fastest growing form of cancer? (Not so fun fact). The doctors usually recommend surgery for any diseases related to the colon. But who wants to end up with a semicolon? This just ain’t good Body English. It’s not even Bad English (late 80s pop/rock supergroup).
Well, they just found hidden beneath the Great Sphincter the Lost Rolls of Colon Health. This is the greatest discovery since the Dead Sea Scrolls! These extra-soft double ply papers were thought to have been wiped out during WWII. Preparation H was all that survived and it is a very incomplete formula.
Preparation A is acidophilous and other beneficial bacteria. These “good guys” or intestinal flora reside in your gut and play an integral role in digestion, assimilation, production of vitamins and immune system support. They also keep the Candida Albicans (hear their new hit single here!) Fungus in a healthy balance. Now, if you have ANY history of using antibiotics or if you eat a high sugar diet, then it is recommended that you take a good probiotic supplement supplying several billion good bacteria. So start dropping acid-o-philus (into your belly) and you will feel high, and well cultured.
Preparation B is Bentonite, and other herbs that pull incrusted fecal matter (which I call crustaceans) out of your colon. (Try talking about this on a first date, it’s a way to break the ice!) The average person has about ten pounds of fecal matter that is cemented to the inside of their colons. This results in constipation (latin root meaning constant patient) and autointoxication. Bentonite is electrically charged to remove the “crustaceans”. Other herbs that help are marshmallow root, slippery elm, activated charcoal and fiber (See preparation F). So remove the crustaceans before they harden and clam up you up. They are like barnacles that cling to your colon and make it hard for your ship to move. So if you have Ben-tonite, you won’t be gone tomorrow.
Preparation C is Casacara Sagrada, Senna, Aloe Vera, and other herbs that increase regularity. It is so important not to get down on your dumps. Having three bowel movements a day is one of the most important ingredients for good health. Fill up the bowl!! Casacara Sagrada is probably the most powerful natural laxative and it is non-addictive. It contains a compound called imodin that stimulates peristalsis (the wave-like rhythm in your colon). Take as much of these herbs and fibers as is needed to compose three movements a day and your life will be a symphony of health. Maybe that’s how Mason Williams wrote “Classical Gas”!!
Preparation D is the Diet. A high fiber, low cholesterol diet is recommended by the American Cancer Society, and the American Heart Association to greatly lower your risk of heart disease and cancer. Foods that are high in fiber include basically all fruits, vegetables, whole grains, sprouts, beans, legumes, seeds and nuts. Now meat and dairy products are high in cholesterol and have NO FIBER! These foods clog our pipes and drain our energy. Another “case-in” point is that the “casein” protein found in dairy (especially cheese) makes one of the strongest wood glues known to man. Also the lactose sugar in milk and cheese is hard to break down and can produce gas or “dairy air” out your bottom. The other colon stopper is white flour, known by the alias WHEAT FLOUR. WHEAT FLOUR IS WHITE FLOUR. It must say 100% Whole Wheat. So in summary, try to cut the cheese and prune the refined flours.
Preparation E is Exercise. Cardiovascular exercise is a great cathartic, because it gets you pooped out. It literally stimulates motion in the colon so you can be a regular kind of guy. So move your butt if you want good movements. Hatha yoga (especially inverted poses) is also wonderful for toning and strengthening the colon. If you say your yoga class was crappy, in this case, it might be a compliment!
Preparation F is Fiber. Fiber is one of the most important supplements we can take to create a healthy colon. At least 30 grams a day is recommended. I feel that flax and apple pectin are the two best fibers, but psyllium is also good (just be sure to take psyllium with a lot of water on an empty stomach). Also try oat bran as a hot cereal. It is higher in protein, fiber and nutrients than regular oatmeal. So Flax your Pectin to pump up your bowel muscles and pump out the waste. Your next trip to the toilet may be a great adventure now that you know all this!
Preparation G is GO! This means when you got to go, for your health’s sake GO! We Americans have trained our colons to stop moving. One of the reasons is that from an early age we have been taught that pooping is dirty and improper. The other reason is that bathrooms are becoming more inaccessible or we are just too busy to go. This has resulted in a country full of nervous rectums too afraid to poop.
Finally, Preparation H was incorrectly translated. It should have been preparation H, I, J, K, L, M, O. This is known cryptically as H to O or H20 – WATER! Indeed water is the best solution to any colon problem. Drink half your body weight in ounces a day (one gallon = 128 ounces) of purified, ionized or good spring water.
So, after that crappy sermon, now you know the true path to keeping a healthy and clean colon. If you follow these eight commandments, you may go through purge-atory, but in the end you will regularly take your seat on the pearly throne of health. But if you break these commandments, then the bowels of your health will be eternally dammed up!
Lady that bought 13 pounds of fiber.
lot of people to become "a regular kind of guy (or gal).” Without further ado-do… Here it is (and eight more examples to follow).
FUN Fact - Did you know that the average American has three to four bowel movements a week? Ooh, how delightful, you say! Fun fact! Did you also know that America leads the world in colon/rectal cancer and this cancer is the fastest growing form of cancer? (Not so fun fact). The doctors usually recommend surgery for any diseases related to the colon. But who wants to end up with a semicolon? This just ain’t good Body English. It’s not even Bad English (late 80s pop/rock supergroup).
Well, they just found hidden beneath the Great Sphincter the Lost Rolls of Colon Health. This is the greatest discovery since the Dead Sea Scrolls! These extra-soft double ply papers were thought to have been wiped out during WWII. Preparation H was all that survived and it is a very incomplete formula.
Preparation A is acidophilous and other beneficial bacteria. These “good guys” or intestinal flora reside in your gut and play an integral role in digestion, assimilation, production of vitamins and immune system support. They also keep the Candida Albicans (hear their new hit single here!) Fungus in a healthy balance. Now, if you have ANY history of using antibiotics or if you eat a high sugar diet, then it is recommended that you take a good probiotic supplement supplying several billion good bacteria. So start dropping acid-o-philus (into your belly) and you will feel high, and well cultured.
Preparation B is Bentonite, and other herbs that pull incrusted fecal matter (which I call crustaceans) out of your colon. (Try talking about this on a first date, it’s a way to break the ice!) The average person has about ten pounds of fecal matter that is cemented to the inside of their colons. This results in constipation (latin root meaning constant patient) and autointoxication. Bentonite is electrically charged to remove the “crustaceans”. Other herbs that help are marshmallow root, slippery elm, activated charcoal and fiber (See preparation F). So remove the crustaceans before they harden and clam up you up. They are like barnacles that cling to your colon and make it hard for your ship to move. So if you have Ben-tonite, you won’t be gone tomorrow.
Preparation C is Casacara Sagrada, Senna, Aloe Vera, and other herbs that increase regularity. It is so important not to get down on your dumps. Having three bowel movements a day is one of the most important ingredients for good health. Fill up the bowl!! Casacara Sagrada is probably the most powerful natural laxative and it is non-addictive. It contains a compound called imodin that stimulates peristalsis (the wave-like rhythm in your colon). Take as much of these herbs and fibers as is needed to compose three movements a day and your life will be a symphony of health. Maybe that’s how Mason Williams wrote “Classical Gas”!!
Preparation D is the Diet. A high fiber, low cholesterol diet is recommended by the American Cancer Society, and the American Heart Association to greatly lower your risk of heart disease and cancer. Foods that are high in fiber include basically all fruits, vegetables, whole grains, sprouts, beans, legumes, seeds and nuts. Now meat and dairy products are high in cholesterol and have NO FIBER! These foods clog our pipes and drain our energy. Another “case-in” point is that the “casein” protein found in dairy (especially cheese) makes one of the strongest wood glues known to man. Also the lactose sugar in milk and cheese is hard to break down and can produce gas or “dairy air” out your bottom. The other colon stopper is white flour, known by the alias WHEAT FLOUR. WHEAT FLOUR IS WHITE FLOUR. It must say 100% Whole Wheat. So in summary, try to cut the cheese and prune the refined flours.
Preparation E is Exercise. Cardiovascular exercise is a great cathartic, because it gets you pooped out. It literally stimulates motion in the colon so you can be a regular kind of guy. So move your butt if you want good movements. Hatha yoga (especially inverted poses) is also wonderful for toning and strengthening the colon. If you say your yoga class was crappy, in this case, it might be a compliment!
Preparation F is Fiber. Fiber is one of the most important supplements we can take to create a healthy colon. At least 30 grams a day is recommended. I feel that flax and apple pectin are the two best fibers, but psyllium is also good (just be sure to take psyllium with a lot of water on an empty stomach). Also try oat bran as a hot cereal. It is higher in protein, fiber and nutrients than regular oatmeal. So Flax your Pectin to pump up your bowel muscles and pump out the waste. Your next trip to the toilet may be a great adventure now that you know all this!
Preparation G is GO! This means when you got to go, for your health’s sake GO! We Americans have trained our colons to stop moving. One of the reasons is that from an early age we have been taught that pooping is dirty and improper. The other reason is that bathrooms are becoming more inaccessible or we are just too busy to go. This has resulted in a country full of nervous rectums too afraid to poop.
Finally, Preparation H was incorrectly translated. It should have been preparation H, I, J, K, L, M, O. This is known cryptically as H to O or H20 – WATER! Indeed water is the best solution to any colon problem. Drink half your body weight in ounces a day (one gallon = 128 ounces) of purified, ionized or good spring water.
So, after that crappy sermon, now you know the true path to keeping a healthy and clean colon. If you follow these eight commandments, you may go through purge-atory, but in the end you will regularly take your seat on the pearly throne of health. But if you break these commandments, then the bowels of your health will be eternally dammed up!
Hi Mike,
Wow, its great to hear from you. The great cosmic joke somehow brought us back together. Remember the Big Dang. Well remember we live in a material world to get more material, so let's laugh til it hurts. And our diet shall consist of copius amounts of Chuckles and Snickers (organic of course). Keep me posted on your visit to the Ranch Dressing Retreat.
Thanks for the jokes. I am creating a new folder labeled "oh no here's another one".
****O.K. Drumroll please*******
Well here's the mother load, the holy grail of removing that "big brown noodle" in your tummy. That's right, you have one too. Poke your belly like the Pillsbury doe boy and you'll hear it giggle back.
Anyhow, I just finished the cleanse so I'm a little pooped out today, but before the cleanse I was really down on my dumps, but I have to say this product literally blew me away. Listen, we're friends so I can share that I was a nervous rectum before taking this… butt no more thanks to Super Colon Blow (aka So Easy Cleanse).
I have given up my macaroni-biotic diet for a new vision...raw foods forever. I even have a sermon, a sermon that will flush out the brown demons and remove bad body English forever...Bad body English is what the doctors do to make your colon a semicolon. O.K. enough, here is my sermon on the mount of you know what:
If you do not do this 3 day colon cleanse, the bowels of your health will be Eternally dammed up.
I am selling it to my friends at wholesale which is 130 clams. But for you, its $200 ---just kidding, the total with with shipping and handling and bad jokes is ....drum roll
For one day only....is....
$130 ....that's it. For only $43 a day (just a little more than the price of a gallon of Starbucks coffee) you can let go of "The Mother Load", "The Big Enchilada", or what natural doctors call "Aunt Gertrudes Fudge brownies". Though it has been called the mucous plaque or mucoid plaque by some.
Imagine what you would pay for an intensive 30 day cleanse at the Hippocrates Institute...just to get that damn thing out....probably $3000+++ when its all said and done..And they don't guarantee a big crap like I will.
In fact, I am so sure that you will have the biggest dump of your life that I am offering a double your crap back guarantee. If you are not happy, just scoop up your disappointment and express mail it to me and I will happily return DOUBLE your crap...no strings attached, no B.S., no questions asked...
Hey what do you have to lose except perhaps a big pile of shite.
If you act fast I will include a pack of fresh underwear and a bathroom wall protection tarp to protect against dangerous squirts and splatters.
If the cost is still too much, try this affirmation:
Everything I eat turns to money and my drawers are full of cash!
One more time...Everything I eat turns to money and my drawers are full of cash!
O.K. seriously,
The system includes three boxes, one for each day. You basically drink wheatgrass morning and night and three delicious shakes during the day. Honestly (no crap) they are good...Chocolate, strawberry and cereal. They are very thick and when I did it I had good energy and was not hungry...no harsh herbs, no bentonite, no enemas, no colonics....
JUST THE MUCOID PLAQUE......BABY!
After three days of dairy free milk shakes shakes I dropped the A-bomb on hero-shite-ma. I actually felt like a hero standing over my defeated enemy. So check out www.rawfoodforever.com to see my story and one other.
I am looking forward to your shite story and please do carry a digital camera with you in case it happens "out of shop".
I will be starting an online photo gallery. If you could hold it up and smile like those fishing pictures, that would be great.
So relax, drink delicious shakes and "the package" will be delivered and it will certainly be a big splash. Happy crapping!
Here's to taking a load off!
Cheers!
B.M. (Bryant Meyers)
1313 Big Dump Drive
Flushing, NY 90120
phone: 231-750-9202
website: www.bryantmeyers.com
in progress www.gotpoop.com
P.S. (Poop Story)
Remember, sometimes life's a crap shoot, and when it hits the fan, make sure you're prepared.
Also on www.rawfoodforever.com Myles Saputo shares his shite story. His was all one connected strand as you can see. He was able to auction it off at the Maui Art Festival...Title of the display is "Where did that big brown noodle come from?"
When there something strange
In your toilet bowl
Who ya gonna call
CRAP BUSTERS
More later as the lyrics fill in.
Bombs Away!
Well here's to your new Colon...
Wow, its great to hear from you. The great cosmic joke somehow brought us back together. Remember the Big Dang. Well remember we live in a material world to get more material, so let's laugh til it hurts. And our diet shall consist of copius amounts of Chuckles and Snickers (organic of course). Keep me posted on your visit to the Ranch Dressing Retreat.
Thanks for the jokes. I am creating a new folder labeled "oh no here's another one".
****O.K. Drumroll please*******
Well here's the mother load, the holy grail of removing that "big brown noodle" in your tummy. That's right, you have one too. Poke your belly like the Pillsbury doe boy and you'll hear it giggle back.
Anyhow, I just finished the cleanse so I'm a little pooped out today, but before the cleanse I was really down on my dumps, but I have to say this product literally blew me away. Listen, we're friends so I can share that I was a nervous rectum before taking this… butt no more thanks to Super Colon Blow (aka So Easy Cleanse).
I have given up my macaroni-biotic diet for a new vision...raw foods forever. I even have a sermon, a sermon that will flush out the brown demons and remove bad body English forever...Bad body English is what the doctors do to make your colon a semicolon. O.K. enough, here is my sermon on the mount of you know what:
If you do not do this 3 day colon cleanse, the bowels of your health will be Eternally dammed up.
I am selling it to my friends at wholesale which is 130 clams. But for you, its $200 ---just kidding, the total with with shipping and handling and bad jokes is ....drum roll
For one day only....is....
$130 ....that's it. For only $43 a day (just a little more than the price of a gallon of Starbucks coffee) you can let go of "The Mother Load", "The Big Enchilada", or what natural doctors call "Aunt Gertrudes Fudge brownies". Though it has been called the mucous plaque or mucoid plaque by some.
Imagine what you would pay for an intensive 30 day cleanse at the Hippocrates Institute...just to get that damn thing out....probably $3000+++ when its all said and done..And they don't guarantee a big crap like I will.
In fact, I am so sure that you will have the biggest dump of your life that I am offering a double your crap back guarantee. If you are not happy, just scoop up your disappointment and express mail it to me and I will happily return DOUBLE your crap...no strings attached, no B.S., no questions asked...
Hey what do you have to lose except perhaps a big pile of shite.
If you act fast I will include a pack of fresh underwear and a bathroom wall protection tarp to protect against dangerous squirts and splatters.
If the cost is still too much, try this affirmation:
Everything I eat turns to money and my drawers are full of cash!
One more time...Everything I eat turns to money and my drawers are full of cash!
O.K. seriously,
The system includes three boxes, one for each day. You basically drink wheatgrass morning and night and three delicious shakes during the day. Honestly (no crap) they are good...Chocolate, strawberry and cereal. They are very thick and when I did it I had good energy and was not hungry...no harsh herbs, no bentonite, no enemas, no colonics....
JUST THE MUCOID PLAQUE......BABY!
After three days of dairy free milk shakes shakes I dropped the A-bomb on hero-shite-ma. I actually felt like a hero standing over my defeated enemy. So check out www.rawfoodforever.com to see my story and one other.
I am looking forward to your shite story and please do carry a digital camera with you in case it happens "out of shop".
I will be starting an online photo gallery. If you could hold it up and smile like those fishing pictures, that would be great.
So relax, drink delicious shakes and "the package" will be delivered and it will certainly be a big splash. Happy crapping!
Here's to taking a load off!
Cheers!
B.M. (Bryant Meyers)
1313 Big Dump Drive
Flushing, NY 90120
phone: 231-750-9202
website: www.bryantmeyers.com
in progress www.gotpoop.com
P.S. (Poop Story)
Remember, sometimes life's a crap shoot, and when it hits the fan, make sure you're prepared.
Also on www.rawfoodforever.com Myles Saputo shares his shite story. His was all one connected strand as you can see. He was able to auction it off at the Maui Art Festival...Title of the display is "Where did that big brown noodle come from?"
When there something strange
In your toilet bowl
Who ya gonna call
CRAP BUSTERS
More later as the lyrics fill in.
Bombs Away!
Well here's to your new Colon...
