"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
-I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
-Half the people you know are below average.
-99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
-All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
-The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
-OK, so what's the speed of dark?
-How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
-Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
-Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
-I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
-I once worked at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near it.
-I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.
1. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
2. I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.
3. I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
4. Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee.
5. Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch. Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.
6. I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.
7. I went to a tourist information booth and said "tell me about some people who were here last year."
8. I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
9. Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.
10. I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
11. When I get real real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
12. I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
13. I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest.
14. When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?
15. I've written several children's books ... Not on purpose.
16. I called the wrong number today. I said “Hello, is Joey there?” A woman answered and she said “yes he is.” And I said ‘can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘no, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.” I said “alright, I’ll wait.”
17. I went to a place to eat. It said "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
18. We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to cook something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run a blender we had to rub balloons on our heads.
19. I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
20. I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.
I was driving down the street and passed a gas station, there were 2 signs in the window help wanted and self service so I went in and hired.
And got out of bed and went for a walk and she said, how long are you going to be gone.. I said the whole time.
Theory of evolution - Darwin was adopted
Went to a drive in a cab… Movie cost me $200
I went to court for a parking ticket and i pleaded insanity
My friend was a clown for ringing brothers circus, when he didn't all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know? Forget it then.
bought a cordless extension cord.
Stop sign.. Hey, I don't believe everything I read.
It doesnt matter what temperature a room is, its always room temperature.
hermits have no peer pressure
whenever I think about the past it just brings up so many memories
theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idea.
its free with any purchase… did anyone buy anything today?
I can levitate birds but noone cares
tourist information booth… tell me about some people that visited last year.
bought an ant farm, don't know where Im going to get trackers that small
a friend of mine does voodoo acupuncture, you don't have to go. Walking down the street , oh
thats much better.
I was doing a seance to reach my grandfather, and then I remember he wasn't even dead
what a nice night for an evening